At the doctor!

A Doctor says to its patient: "I'm sorry mam, but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

The Patient: "What do you mean doctor, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

The Doctor: "Nine now."

A man asks a farmer standing near his field, “Sorry sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.”

The farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead.
And if my bull sees you, you’ll have the force with you to even catch the 4:11 one.”

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course, a house doesn’t jump at all.

The Confession

Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.

"Yes, and two very good leads!"
Roy ;-)

Devil in the Church

Satan appears before a small town congregation. Everyone starts screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.
Soon everyone is gone except for an elderly gentleman who sits calmly.
Satan walks up to him and sais, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replies, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asks, "Aren't you going to run?"
"Nope, sure ain't," sais the man.
Satan asks again, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man replies, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Roy ;-)

A Lesson In Morals

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."
When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."
Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.
Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Roy ;-)

Post has attachment

Post has shared content

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither one of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars -- there's nothing left! This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

She hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

 
The American Dream.

Doesn't every American think about making fortune in the stock Market? Well here is a piece of advise to make that dream come through!

The best way to make a small fortune in the stock market is,...
to start off with a big fortune!

Big Fortune Consultants Corporation
Wait while more posts are being loaded