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3/20/17
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My precious Ethan,

9 months ago I lost you. I still struggle with wondering what was so awful that you didn't want to be here any more. Not a minute of the day goes by that I don't think about how much I wish you were here. Things happen that I want to share with you and I can't. I believe that you now are free from whatever clouded what you saw and that you can clearly see how much I loved you then and love you still. No matter what. I always told you that there was nothing in the world that would change that. That was the truth and always will be. I've said to you that I'm not angry with you. Just incredibly sad that you aren't here anymore.

I fill my thoughts with wonderful happy memories with you. There were so many. I love telling people about you. It makes me happy to talk about how you'd do everything with me. You went with me to get my hair done, get my nails done. What boy does that? And I can hear your voice still telling me that you'd go to the grocery store with me. Not because you wanted anything. Just to be with me. I cherish those memories because those are what I have. And I am so grateful that I had the gift of you for the time I was allowed.

As hard as life was at times, I can say with the utmost certainty...I'd do it all over again. Even knowing that the outcome would be the same. You have been the greatest treasure in my life. You were brought to me for a reason. I believe that I was meant to bring what I could to your life while I could. Unfortunately my time with you was shorter than I wanted. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. You will forever be a part of me that nobody can erase. I hope you can look down and see the love you used to be able to see, know it's still there as it always has been, and let it surround you. I miss you every single minute. I will spend the rest of my life being so incredibly proud of being your mom. And just because you aren't here with me, doesn't change the fact that I will always be your mom.

Sweet dreams my angel.

Love,
Mom

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Hanging on…
You know, life was almost perfect…and I never knew or understood how good life was until I lost you.
I blame myself, wanting to be the hero I run through every scenario in my mind where me being there could’ve somehow changed the course of the events that occurred.
You were the real hero, always wanting to fix everything and be there for everyone. Part of me feels guilty for being here without you.
People are kind, they offer condolences but I recognize the terror in their faces…frightened to say the wrong thing.
Someone asked me how I am making it, I replied, “hanging on”.
I look at the Sun, and wonder how come I never savored the moment it lit your face? I walk around feeling so loss, someone so special to me…I had you, and in an instant, you’re gone.
I look at your pictures, that smirk and that smile. I listen to your friends tell the stories I never heard, I never realized how quickly a smile can transform into tears until now.
I cry silently into my pillow, overcome with emotions and memories. I went back to work, and forgot what I was supposed to be doing, wondering how others function when they lose someone. I go to the restroom to compose myself, trying to get it together because tears won’t pay the bills, but if it did I’m sure I’d never have to work again.
I go home and sit in the same place for hours, thoughtless about everything else and before you know it, it’s time to go back to work and I’ve forgotten to eat.
I’m literally sick, depressed, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it another second, minute, hour, day, week, month, year…without you. I wonder if I die would I'll be able to find you.
There’s no cure for this, there’s no rhyme or riddle, there’s no answer and that’s what bothers me most. Why you? I don’t blame God, he gave you life. I blame the devil, because he is the thief in the night that comes quietly unannounced.
Food don’t taste the same, I don’t look at people the same, everyone looks foreign…and when I say foreign, it’s because I don’t see them wearing the pain I’ve been wearing. Happiness is elusive, normality is alien, and misery keeps me company.
People will read this and tell me to hang on…I tried it. They will say one day at a time…but my day ended the day I lost you. I know you’d want me to keep going, you’d say “be strong, don’t be silly”. You’re the only reason I’m barely hanging on. ~Cynthia Williams~

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Missing you 😔💔
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