Welcome to Fortunes And Cookies with Mama Tran.

Today's cookie is: Oatmeal Ranch.

Today's fortune is: DO NOT TRUST BIRDS.

See you next time!

Good evening, I'm Dovid Hargyle with K38 Local News.

Reports are pouring in of an altered physics zone near Chandler Road, which is approximately 400 meters South of the Event.  Witnesses note that matter spontaneously changes phase in this area, reports beginning early this morning.  Reports range from severe burns from hot liquids suddenly escaping coffee mugs or pots, to floors and walls momentarily liquefying, causing residents to fall through previously solid matter, becoming literally stuck in their own homes.

Sightings of the Bisected Man have increased in the area, but authorities have not confirmed suspicions that his presence has caused this phenomena, or vice versa.  If the Bisected Man approaches your home, please remain indoors, barricade all possible points of entry, cover all windows and mirrors, and immediately contact your local authorities.

More on this, as well as a detailed report on contagious beards, later tonight.

As a reminder, do not, under any circumstance,  look directly at the Event.  And as always, if anyone outside our city is receiving this, we're trapped in a waking nightmare, please send help.

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This is the view from my window today. That's the sky above Trumbolt Avenue. Probably a volcano or aliens.

Keep your cats off my grass.

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This is a K38 News announcement.

A bear has been spotted near the picnic area of Faraday Park. Please do not approach or attempt to feed the bear. Remember to dispose of food waste in tightly secured garbage bins, as bears have a keen sense of smell.

At this time, there is no cause for alarm. Thank you for tuning in to K38 Local News.
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