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Here in my kitchen, just bought this new pasta linguini. But you know what I like more than pasta linguini? Macaroni. That's why I bought 7 new cupboards and filled them with over 2,000 new Kraft macaroni and cheese boxes. It's like the master chef Betty Crocker said, "The more you eat, the more you pasta."

Now maybe you've seen my Tedx talk where I talk about how I always eat a box of mac and cheese a day. You know, I eat a box of mac and cheese once a day not to show off, again it's about the pasta. In fact, the real reason I keep this pasta linguini isn't to show off. It's a reminder. A reminder that wet noodle dreams are still possible. Not long ago, I was in a little town across the country, eating spaghetti scrap from an Italian restaurant dumpster, and only 47 noodles in my fettuccine. I didn't have a culinary arts degree to my name, I had no opportunities.

But you know what, something happened that day that changed my life. I bumped into our Lord and Savior, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, hallowed be his noodles. He showed me what he did to become a true pasta lord. Again, it’s not just about pasta, it’s about the good life; carbs, savings, love and sauce. So, I make a quick 2 minute pasta on my stove. It's actually on my stove right now, if you let me know, I'll take you to my kitchen and share three different kinds of pasta that He taught me. Three types that you can gobble down today no matter how hungry you are.

Now this isn't a "get pasta quick scheme". I'm not promising you that tomorrow you're gonna go out and buy yourself some pasta linguini. But what I am telling you is, it can happen faster than you think if you know the recipe. So, I make a bit of pasta in my kitchen. Like I said, now it’s not the most professional, I just tossed some noodles and sauce together, but it’s real. Nobody can argue, this is my true masterpiece. And I’m going to give you the three most important pasta quick tips. So come to my kitchen, go there, it’s completely free to chow, it it’s just a couple minutes. Invest in macaroni. Always start your pasta cooking with a rolling boil. Don't be a crooked noodle. Okay, people see pastas like this and they say “Ah that’s not tasty, that’s for somebody else.”

Don’t listen, don’t listen. Be an optimist. Like, Marco Polo, the man who brought back pasta from China, he said he only tried two bowls and it already changed his life. Pasta can change your life. And in that pasta, there was meat, cheese and sauce, so if you’re a cynic, if you’re a pessimist, you don’t need to try spaghetti. Don’t worry about it, I don’t need to cook for everybody. But if you’re somebody who knows that there’s something that tastes better, because the wet noodle dreams are possible, you know it’s not necessarily a pasta linguini, maybe it's carbonara, lasagna or pasta salad.

Maybe it’s a new diet without so many eggs, traveling the pasta fields, cooking the aglio olio you know you’re destined to do. You can do those unless you understand spaghetti. Sauce, I don’t call it sauce anymore, I call it umami units. You must have enough umami units to live on your pasta and to pasta-ify your destiny. So, I’ll see you in my kitchen, it’s a quick meal and you’ll eat there absolutely free.

So just let me know and you’ll be taken there in a second, and uh, I’m excited to share this amazing stuff. You’ll see, not because of anything of me but because I’ve been fortunate enough to learn from our amazing Pasta God who will rule above many years ahead of me. Not just in recipes like these, although I love dumplings but also real ravioli. So let me share with you these three pastas that have made all the difference in my life. They’re delicious, you can do them today, you can make them today. All right? See you in the spaghetti.

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get rekt.
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What a bunch of idiots, I try to ask for a truce and you ban me, pathetic

Do not ban them, let them taste our wrath !

Gas all niggers.

Ayy lmao
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