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Hello America, it’s me again, President Rump. Did you see the protests of my inauguration? They were something else, weren’t they? Like that old guy said, I got more fat women to move in one day than Michelle got to move in 8 years. Heh, I like that, I think I’ll copyright it. Anyways, The Immaterial Girl, Sad-Donna moaned and whined about blowing up the White House. That loser couldn’t even blow the Hillary voters she promised she would. So, I’m certainly not worried about anything that comes out of her mouth. Besides, I’m sending the Secret Service after her.

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Hello America, it’s me, President Rump. So, some of the pathetic, loser media have been making an issue of my late-night tweets. Listen folks, I run my many, so many businesses during the daylight hours. Now that I am President, I will be running the country in the daylight hours. That leaves the nighttime hours to be able to focus on responding to the many, many terrible people out there who have nothing better to do than to bash and insult me. So, why don’t I start tweeting at say 6pm or so? Because, 3am is lunch time in Russia.

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Hello America, it’s me again, President Rump. Listen, since I’ve been President, all the lying disgusting loser media has decided to pick a war with me and my henchmen. If you want a war, then I’ll bury you! That’s right, I’ll fight from the bully pit, throw shade from the Offal Office and sue the crap out of you! You will regret the day your parents laid eyes on each other and bumped uglies to spawn your pathetic, miserable, sad excuses for a life. And I can do it forever, because I’m rich. I’m coming for you, Sesame Street urchins.

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Hello America, it’s me, President Runayld Rump. I have just told my cabinet that I want to institute a tax. I know, I know, earlier I said that taxes would be cut under my administration. I lied. Face it, taxes are necessary. Very necessary. How else am I going to afford all the luxuries for my closest advisor, Bianca Rump? Anyways, this tax will only affect those filthy nasty peons who nobody likes. I figure, hit them in the wallet and maybe then they will get the message that we don’t want them here. I called the Mexico Boarder tax.

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Hello America, it’s me President Runayld Rump. So, the low-life, lying losing mainstream media is still at it. They are trying to make an issue out of everything. The latest is about MLK’s bust. Now really, this is going too far, way too far. I want everyone to know that when it comes to the bust of MLK, then I proudly show it off. I have that bust on display prominently in the White House. There is no way that I would not show it off. It is very important to me. Melanoma Lydia Kamporav’s bust is an absolute treasure.

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Hello America, it is I, Runayld Ray Rump. Soon, America will begin a new error of government lead by me, Runayld Rump. So, join me, Runayld Rump in the task of putting the very sad, very disgusting, dishonest fake media loving liberals back across the borders of the truly great nation so they can be forced to build the walls to keep us apart from each other, with them on their side and us patriotic American flag loving patriots here, in America making America great again here on our side. I promise the next four years will be yuge! Yuge.

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Hello America, it’s me again, President Rump. I want to set the record straight about all the very disgusting fake inauguration attendance numbers. The lying mainstream fake media are using their own facts that are truly sad. My Official Spokesperson, Shun Sphincter, has provided you with the true Alternative facts regarding how many of my minions were in attendance. It was a lot. No, really it was a yuge number of them. I personally stopped counting at 20, but believe me, there were a LOT more. More would have shown, but the Opposition told them the inauguration was next week.

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Hello, it's me, Runayld Ray Rump again. Just a YUGE reminder to everyone, on J20 I'll be the next president of all of US. I can't wait, it's going to be great. No more jet fuel bills for the next 4 years. Fantastic. Also, my Internet and phone bill? Paid for. Thanks to all you little people for making this happen. Something else I wanted to share with you. Did you know that for the first time in 8 years it's really going to be a White House? No, it's true, a White House. It's going to be great. GREAT!

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Hello, my name is Runayld Ray Rump. Over the next 4 years I'll be giving it to you straight and hard. My viewpoints that is. And you're going to take it. Why? Because I'm the President. I'm YUGE, and I'm great. I'm the greatest Rump of all. I was walking in the white house the other day and they said "Look at that Rump, he's Yuge, he's the greatest Rump of all." No, it's true, that's what they said, not me. Very great. Very great. If you don't like it, too bad. Sit down, shut up. I'm not going anywhere.

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It's me Runayld Ray Rump. I want to talk to you about being successful. No one knows more about success than me. No one. This country is all about success, and I am the most successful. People are always saying how successful I am. Very successful. Yugely successful. And do you know why I'm successful? It's because of my success. No, it's true, I'm successful. I'll give you two reasons. Because I'm rich. Very rich, and powerful. Very successful. And I have a big caddy. A big black caddy. It’s armored and has flamethrowers and shotguns. And, it's really Yuge.

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