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my chosen name is Avery and I'm in my 40'S. I am out as a female to male transgender to one of my uncle's and aunt's who helped my mom raise me. My didn't take it well at all.
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people believe being transgender is what ever but fuck htrs but damn even though I must wait there will be pain in changes in understanding them along with emotions that are part of the pack

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I have shared several parts of my story with other communities and people seem to really like and respond to my honesty - especially with things that many feel are personal things. I thought that I would see if any other communities would be interested in it as well. I posted this earlier this evening.....

I still have another post to finish up but wanted to share this. Some are just a paragraph or two and some are teases of stories to come. Feedback, suggestions and feelings ALWAYS welcomed......

I think that that the weirdest thing that I have felt was when I would walk by mannequins. Due to the suppression and repression for many years I was never able to understand what they were saying to me (no I am not CrAZy – well maybe a little :). Its like having your inside start to tell you something and then something I can only describe as “talk to the hand” comes up, pushes it back down and my mind would automatically switch to something else. This is the way most of the things I suppressed happened. As I had become older I learned to deal with things by not dealing with them. I remember thinking about something stressful and that sudden anxiety, not to be confused with an adrenaline, rush would come on. Then, all of a sudden, that voice, “STOP”, “SWITCH” and magically my mind would shift. Then there were other times when it was like those mannequins were speaking a foreign language I wasn’t able to understand. Im not sure when I was able to interpret it but the message was always the same, “that’s what you’re supposed to look like” and with each passing year it just became louder and louder


I remember sitting in my room on that Sunday night, staring at my CD collection (at that time downloading and burning music had become my coping mechanism) and I had essentially made the decision. I said to myself, “if this is what my life is going to be like – forget it!” and that was that. The decision had been made and I began thinking about end of life things. Little did I know a decision to go to Skippers Smokehouse 4 days later would not only change my life but save it.


Ive found perception goes a long way. When I am in public, I carry myself with confidence. No matter what hate comes my way, I match it with happiness and with a high rate of interest. Some might be surprised to know I am actually quite self conscience (at the moment, anyway – hoping). I took well over 500 pictures just trying to find a profile picture. I finally became so fed up that as soon as I walked in the door one night I walked straight to the mirror and took a quick snapshot of myself. Although I am very headstrong, know who I am and what I want out of life, I am also extremely sensitive. The trick is to never show weakness to the haters This is a very tough process and it is emotional. Honestly, I cried twice yesterday (hormone attack :) however even though I was in public, I didn’t show it. It wasn’t the haters. Out of the 500 people I saw, 498 were nasty but 2 were just so kind to me. One of them even said that they never would have guessed I was transgender. She told me that she just thought I was a “very beautiful woman”. I’m sure she knew and was trying to be nice but it was so nice to hear particularly at that moment. As soon as I started to ride away though ………




I do remember as I grew older the easier it became to deny, bury and Id eventually figure out ways to ignore and block everything. I burned a lot (sorry for offense, but this is being truthful) Still though, I knew what was there, but because of the lack of knowledge it wasn’t until I was 18 that I knew for sure. There are many things of which I regret and I try not to think about it now but things may not have worked out like this. In fact, there was a big possibility of me being turned down for HRT. Some of the possible side effects of the hormones can be high cholesterol and high blood pressure – both of which I have. In addition, people on long term pain management are at a high risk for depression and at my level…. I can, I will, and I have dealt with a lot of things in my life. My headaches didn’t develop until I was 22 and I don’t think that after FINALLY finding that key to what was going on with me after 33 years I would have been able to deal with someone basically saying that I didn’t figure it out quick enough. That would have been it for me right there however it could actually have been worse. If I had started to live openly and dress, then how would my family explain to the parents why I wasn’t changing physically? Not that I am naive in believing it would make a difference in a lot of cases but I at least wanted my brother to be able to tell people that I am on hormones transitioning.
I sit and think all the time now what if this didn't happen this way or that way. Would I have ever figured things out? In 2005, I had reached my breaking point - I was DONE. I had completely given up on life. Everyday was becoming harder. I was drinking very heavily by this point. I always had a few beers throughout the day however at this time it was 12 to 14 beers a day easily. That emptiness within me, the growing depression, anger and now the debilitating cluster headaches.
I remember sitting in my room on that Sunday night, staring at my CD collection (at that time downloading and burning music had become my coping mechanism) and I had essentially made the decision. I said to myself, “if this is what my life is going to be like – forget it!” and that was that. The decision had been made and I began thinking about end of life things. Little did I know a decision to go to Skippers Smokehouse 4 days later would not only change my life but save it.
Oh God! Leading a double life, I certainly will never forget - as hard as I try. I cannot help but remember that horrible year I spent my entire home life, sometimes late night car rides or the 3 a.m. mailbox run when I could be the girl I am and every other time HAD to be that empty little, depressed boy. The true worst of it being the times my inside would scream at me, "Go out and show the world who you are". I would ALWAYS be thinking, "Today is the day! I am doing it!". I would get all dressed up, because I gotta represent (not sure why that crossed my mind - ScARy :), and I would get to the front door with my body tingling and so many butterflies a net the size of Texas couldn't catch them all. Id be soooooooo excited as I started to turn the handle thinking, "Here comes, Tina" and then BAM! The reality of it sets in and the indescribable excitement immediately turns to overwhelming depression. Two parents and a teacher right in my little nesting area. The tears would cascade down my face as I began thinking of all the ramifications of being seen. Possible lost business and my family finding out in a way I wouldnt......Now that I think about it, if you subtract the possible implications to the family business, it would have been a lot easier.


Ahhhhhh, telling the family. This will be an exciting piece of trauma to tell.............

Ive been really, REALLY pressed for time lately. These are my comments from part of a discussion that I had with a friend.

Brainwashed. Exactly what I was until that, “A-Ha” moment when I had no other choice but to deal with it because, at that point - there was no way back. Once it happened and all the lights were on. Though the horrible, depression I suffered with for years because of the emptiness in me had lifted, it was only a matter of time before the depression would return for much different reasons. I remember after the endless hours I spent thinking and coming to all the realizations of things that I buried. I think I feel worst at the fact that I should have said something when I was a young child but was so confused and so ashamed. Regret. I do remember as I grew older the easier it became to deny, bury and Id eventually figure out ways to ignore and block everything. I burned a lot (sorry for offense, but this is being truthful) Still though, I knew what was there, but because of the lack of knowledge it wasn’t until I was 18 that I knew for sure. There are many things of which I regret and I try not to think about it now but things may not have worked out like this. In fact, there was a big possibility of me being turned down for HRT. Some of the possible side effects of the hormones can be high cholesterol and high blood pressure – both of which I have. In addition, people on long term pain management are at a high risk for depression and at my level…. I can, I will, and I have dealt with a lot of things in my life. My headaches didn’t develop until I was 22 and I don’t think that after FINALLY finding that key to what was going on with me after 33 years I would have been able to deal with someone basically saying that I didn’t figure it out quick enough. That would have been it for me right there however it could actually have been worse.

I think what really decided things for me was just the knowledge that I would never be happy, complete or at peace unless I transitioned and to be honest – I have NEVER looked back. I knew it was time to make the phone call one morning after I had been lounging about for 3 days after working 4 very long days in the blazing sun. When I walked into the bathroom to start the shower it was then I realized I hadn’t shaved recently. Seeing the facial hair did it! I became physically ill and actually gagged when I saw myself. I called A therapist that afternoon.

I had spent the previous year or so figuring out what all the consequences were going to be and I have to say, many things I thought were going to happen, didn’t or didn’t happen the way I thought they would. Things such as telling certain family members. Now, I think we all just get hung up on thinking the worst case scenario is whats going to happen with every person. I never married or had any children so I can only imagine what that’s like. Its not that I didn’t want to but I gave up on relationships a long time ago. <This was partially due to my headaches but was also as a result of - lets just say I had intimacy issues. Ill say in large part I had become tired of making excuses, as I did through my entire adolescence. In all parts, however, it just did nothing for me. Of course, this led to so much confusion because I knew my attraction was to women. I had thought about and really confronted my sexuality early on in my life and its something I always knew. So what am I? >
I have a pretty big family and as I mentioned before my family owns and operates day care centers making things so much more difficult. Having a family known in the community impacted my transition in many ways since I tend to put the needs as well as what’s best for others before my own. Everything had to be done in a certain order. I didn’t even live 100% openly until a couple months ago. When I went to get my gender legally changed.
I spent most of my free time with my brother at his house with his 2 daughters. Like I said, I never had children but my niece KK (now about to turn 8) has always been like a daughter to me and called me, “daddy” a lot growing up. Losing her would have KILLED me and so did having to prepare for it. I never realized just how much time we had all spent together until I decided to start this process. I thought when I told him his response would be, “Dude, I have a business, a family and I just cant…..”, which would have in some ways been easier than what I got. I believe it was along the lines of, “I don’t believe you and no matter what, Ill never believe you”. Most in my family are of that mindset because I never acted like a girl, because they never saw it and because I was 33 when I finally spoke up. My brother is the only jackass who will say it though. Ill save the story of what he thinks it is and some of things he said to me for another time.

When it comes down to the hate, I won’t lie, it’s everywhere and dealing with it all depends on the person. I wouldn’t recommend taking on the world like I am doing my best to do  but at the same time you can’t run away. The key is to show that it doesn’t bother you – even if you are screaming on the inside. Think about this if you get looked at with a nasty face: When you boil it down, who is REALLY the tough one with more guts? I’m sure everybody would agree that this is the hardest thing they have ever done – I know it is for me.

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7/7/16
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Welcome to Transgender Day of Action.... #TransSolidarity #TransLivesMatter #TransPower #RadicalTransLiberation 06/24/2016

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As the moderator I do apologize for slacking off a bit as I did not predict rapid growth. However, rest assured I will be moderating this group actively herein.. Meanwhile 06/24 was TDOA and 06/26 was pride in NYC. Big deal. How'd everyone fair.

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