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Forgive me

I was sick and pregnant and that is no excuse. But there I was with an almost 2 year old and another on the way. I thought I was so Godly helping out someone in need. So I starting watching her with a pride in my heart. But You soon humbled me when I was shown how hard it was. Please forgive me of my pride.
I can still remember how she smelled, how she smiled and how she giggled. I still remember how I cared in the beginning. But quickly things began to change. I started becoming bitter to her. Her crying would make my ears sting. Her dirty diapers would make me gag. I'm sure she sensed it too and that did not help her find comfort. I tried, I really tried. I recall my mother telling me that I could have an impact on this little girl. It good be bad or it could be good. So everyday I would try again, only to fail in the end. Please forgive me for my bitterness.
In the end I could do it no longer. This little one was not mine and I could not care for her anymore. The nausea and heartburn made it hard to care for my own daughter let alone another that wasn't even mine. So I let her go, with an unknown future, released to only have to care for my own. Please Lord forgive me for my selfishness.
Time went on and lives moved on. Then one day I saw your face online. You were so cute and looked so happy with your mom. I thought I would be relieved or something. But your face kept popping up over and over on social media. Finally the guilt of how I had thought of you and how I treated you, as just a baby but not my own became overwhelming. So I reached out to your mom to let her know how happy you both looked. But to my horror your mom told me the saddest news I've heard. So sad because it hit too close to home. You had passed away, that sweet face on the page was nothing more than a memory.
Words can not describe the guilt I have! You were not mine, and though I was a young mother at the time, I am now a seasoned mother and the horror of you being gone is gut wrenching. I know you are safe with the Lord, but I can't keep my mind from wandering to how you left this world. How scared you were, how it hurt, how you should not have left this earth with no one you loved around. It is not my job to judge and I ache for your mother. She loved you I have no doubt and in time I pray your passing brings her to the Father. But I can't help but feeling like I dismissed my chance to do more. Knowing that sweet face I see in the picture brings me to tears and pain. With prayer I know in time this guilt will lift and the pain will ebb. I know God has forgiven me for the thoughts of bitterness I held toward you. But up there in heaven, with two of my own, I ask for your forgiveness as well. Because without asking for both the guilt will not leave.
I am so so sorry Cheyenne, please forgive me. God needed you home, I have no doubt of that. Play well little one.

Job 14:5 - Seeing her days are determined, the number of her months are with thee, thou hast appointed her bounds that she cannot pass;

It's not joyful, it's painful

We are taught every Sunday that our church is not the building we meet at, but instead is the people in it. I believe this with every ounce of my being. In Revelations 3: 7-13 the Church in Philadelphia is talked about. This church is the church that will enter heaven and be spared the rapture. In verse 8-10 it states I know your deeds. See I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut. I know that you have little strength, yet you have kept my word and have not denied my name. I will make those who are of the synagogue of Satan, who claim to be Jews though they are not, (Romans 6-8 says we ALL are Jews if our heart are circumcised) but are liars - I will make them come and fall down at your feet and acknowledge that I have loved you. Since you have kept my command to endure patiently, I will also keep you from the hour of trial that is going to come upon the whole world to test those who live on the earth. To me this passage say that this church is not a building, but a collection of the humble believers whose hearts have been circumcised.
So, now, if this be true then don't tell me to be joyful when one of ours leaves the church! It is painful. If we are the heart of the church, then to have someone leave the "church" is to break a piece of our heart off.
This is not to say that the person leaving was not called by God to leave. But for the rest of the heart that loses its piece, it hurts! It would be less painful and much more joyful for the heart to lose a piece to heaven.
But to lose a piece that remains on the earth is heartbreaking! So I will not hide my hurt and pretend I am fine. For my heart breaks to see you go, as if I have lost a lover. For you are a loved one that is no longer there every week with that happy smile that I can lean on or that hurt face that needs me to lean on.
As time goes on this hurt will heal. We will hope to see you here and there. We will pray to the Lord for your blessings to overflow. The heart will heal and a new piece will fill the gap you left, but there will be scar tissue that seals the new person in. The scar will be stronger but also a reminder of what was lost. So for me it is not joyful to see you go, it is painful. Yet in the end I will not plead to God for his will to change for that it futile, but instead trust in him that this will also make me stronger in my faith.

Is it time?

I started this journey over two years ago without a reason why. You simply put it on my heart to start and I obeyed. There was nothing to it other than powerful words. And there it sat, saved but put away.
As the time has passed You have pressed me further. Words that only You put on my soul that I put onto paper. I start to get a vision of where You are leading me. But I am human and shrug it off as just being prideful.
People start to read my words. You speak through them what You want me doing. I get excited just to think of the possibility. But You steady my heart by whispering "It's not time."
More time passes and there are words on top of more words. Experiences on top of experiences. Emotions on top of emotions. By this point the collection has grown to more than 20! But doubt clouds my mind, fear of the path makes me stall. You whisper again, "It's almost time."
I am growing now. I am finding my calling. My calling as a bride to my husband, a teacher to our children, a homemaker that keeps things in order. As I learn what You require of me I gain new knowledge. And then, like a butterfly in my chest You tell me, "It is time."

I don't fear their deaths, I fear them dying

Lord, I try so hard to trust in You. To have in You and Your plans. But I fear my children dying, not their death. Death is quick and sudden, but dying, dying can be long and painful.
I have comfort in knowing their deaths will take them home to You. A place where they will know no pain and only peace. Though I may still be here when that happens I will be able to take comfort in that. To know they are saved and returning home is a great joy.
But to have them dying. I don't know if I could bear it. My heart wrenches with even the thought. I see parents having to watch their children dying and my heart feels their pain. They are so strong! You have made them brave for their children. But the pain their children go through makes me question Your plan and my faith. I don't understand why they must suffer for I do not see Your plan in this. The hurt and damage it causes, Your own word says can bring fourth good. Yet I see this tear Your families apart with divorce, resentment, scaring that never heals.
I pray my children grow to a ripe old age, with families and good memories that can not be counted. But if You must call them home, I pray You make it quick. Do not let them feel the pain of dying. For that is what I fear the most in the world.

Not there

I see them over there. A daughter and a mother. They are talking and involved with each other. I see them laughing and my heart is aching.
I know I'm far away, but even when we were close things were the same. I feel I did something wrong. In fact I have done many things wrong. But it doesn't change this hurt I feel. You are not there.
They get up to leave, continuing to talk. They are so close and the support for each other is radiating outward. Tears fill my eyes as I try yet again to accept that this will never be for me. I beg God to fill the gap, but on this physical plane He can not.
The times we can be together as so few and far between. It is never a good time to call it seems. I remember watching you and your mom commune as I wish we could. Tea and lunches were the norm. But you are not there for me in that way.
I do not blame you. You have gently told me that we are different. That it can't be that way between us. That you love me and are proud of me.
So once again I swallow back the hurt and dry my tears. Forever praying you would be more a part of my life. Because I know someday the Lord will take you home and we will permanently be apart on this earth. I will call you up to find you are still not there.

I, his help meet

As I go through this marriage I see what I am to be. A bride is not just a woman and a wife. To be what God has called us to be we must learn to be our husband's help meet.
This is no easy feat. While the world shouts to us of equal rights and we lay claim to stand above our husbands instead of beside. It is no wonder that the role of bride has been lost in translation.
But Adam and Eve were not created at the same time, therefore, we must stop thinking that we are equal. Adam was created from the earth, Eve was created from a part of Adam. God created Eve to fill in the places where Adam needed help and to offer fellowship.
We were created to serve our husbands. A concept that today is not only laughed at but is also looked down upon. But we will not be judged by the world but by the Father. And just as the Bible is the same today, yesterday and tomorrow; so is the role of the bride.
Hearing this may sting your ears. Pour bitterness into your heart. But whether it causes resentment, anger, hardening of your soul, God is clear as to what will happen to you if you disobey Him.
However, if you obey God's role as a bride, you will see it become easier and easier to serve your husbands. Because in serving them they will in turn adore you. They will want to come home to you. They will love you the way Christ loves the church. Your husbands will die for you!
So I am declaring today to be my husband's help meet. I vow to help him when and where he needs it. If he is working when he should be off, then I vow to carry his responsibilities at home on my shoulders. If he requires something of me, then I vow to honor that request. It will not matter whether it is a reasonable or unreasonable request. I will do it with joy. For I am his help meet.
I further my vow to being his help meet by being respectful, obedient, loving and supportive of him at all times. I will fail at times because I am human. But I will always get back up and keep going. Because if being his help meet will mean he adores me enough to lay down his life for me... well it doesn't get any better then knowing that.

The good season

The good season is not like it's brother. It comes in slowly, quietly. It is gentle and subtle. You don't realize it right away. But as you lay awake one night you begin to think about your daily life.
How your mental health and physical health are linked up. They are both alive and energetic with a desire to be the best they can be.
Your marriage has not only healed from the hurts of the brother season of trial; but is growing and strengthening even further. It amazes you to think you both have come so far and yet are continuing to go even further.
The children are healthy and happy. Thriving in their daily routines. Learning and experiencing things that have their entire demeanor light up.
Your church is growing in faith and followers. You are a part of that growth and not just a side liner. Every time you worship there, you have tears in your eyes from the strength of His presence in the room.
The brother season of trials will return again. At some point he will hit hard because that is what he does. He is loud and fast. But that is the way it must be. Our Father is teaching us how to be even faster in using Him to get through them. To hold our ground and not be shaken. Our feet firmly planted in the Word. Brother trial is a time of waiting, stretching, strengthening and growing. It hurts and it always will.
But as promised the good season will return. Slow and steady. You will know you are in that season when one day, you realize if God asked you to come Home... you would ask Him to let you stay where you are for a while longer.

What I see

What I see when I look in the mirror is a meaty woman because I enjoyed food and didn't want to leave this rental without getting a taste of delicious cuisine in this world.
What I see when I look in the mirror is a pregnancy mask that never went away so that I could be reminded on the days I struggle to be a mom, what blessings I have been given and the sacrifice it took to receive them.
What I see when I look in the mirror are sun spots because I enjoyed living life outside. Whether it be the mountains, the beaches or the plains; I wanted to take it all in.
What I see when I look in the mirror and I can't remember what I did yesterday or even that morning it's because I have the responsibilities to care and love for so many, so sometimes it's hard to remember the little things.
What I see when I look in the mirror is something wonderful. I see a woman that is enjoying life to the fullest. Because this home is a rental and nothing more. And when the time comes to go Home I want to look in Jesus' eyes and here, "Well done, you enjoyed your days and lived to the fullest. You enjoyed the things of the world I offered. You were a good steward and loved your children without fault. You took in the beauty of the things my Father created. You cared even when you felt you could not give one more thing to anyone else".
You know what I hope you see when you look in the mirror, my dear friend? That you are beautiful... just like me.

If I only had a day

If I only had a day to live I wouldn't care. One day left and people would morn me and miss me. But then I would be in heaven and be so happy I would never dream of coming back. If I only had one day to live I feel I would do nothing differently, except maybe get my affairs in order.
I have heard this saying over and over. Life is a gift, how would you live your life if it was your last. I tell you truthfully, it would be the same. I would not want to do anything differently because then people would know something was up. People would worry why. And when I died they would be full of sorrow and pain.
So when I hear this phrase it brings no fight to my spirit. But... if you told me my husband or my child only had one more day to live, well that is something worth changing for. So every day I don't look at life as my last. I look at life as if it is one of my loved ones last. Because once they are gone they will be so happy in heaven they will never want to come back. And there I will be, left with a missed chance to be better for them.

Don't Let The Devil Steal Your Motherhood
Strategy #10 - Your relationship with your children

If I were your enemy, I'd work to create division between you and your children. I would seek to dissolve any potential your children and you could make uniting against me. I would scheme to make you operate individually, blinding you and your children from the truth of how much you need each other. Strength in family and unity of purpose… I would not allow things like these to go unchecked.

Opening prayer: Father, we love you and thank you for all you have taught us in these past weeks. Open our hearts once again so that we may finish strong, taking to heart all the weapons you have at our disposal to attack the devil. Help to see how important a Christlike relationship with our children truly is. In Jesus' name, amen.

How the devil plans on hitting you where it hurts: There will come a time, if it has not happened to you already, when your children will say something that cuts you to your core. For me I have
tasted that putrid flavor when Briseis spoke those hurtful words, "Mommy, I don't love you anymore." Wham! Direct hit! She said it so calmly but with full malice. She was only 3 or 4. I was devastated. How could my sweet baby girl, whom I loved so much feel that way about me…already?! Of course I know she didn't understand what she was saying, but she was feeling
something towards me that was not loving.

1. Our kids against us: The first attack as we have seen from above will sadly be from our children. Because they are not fully able to comprehend what love is, let alone Christlike love, he will put on their tongues phrases that will cut us to our soul. It will leave a small wound, nothing our Father can't heal, but a wound non
the less.

2. Us against our kids: This can't be right, can it? Us be against our children, the ones we gave life? The ones whom we held their heads in the palms of our hands they were once so small. But the devil is conniving, he will put a veil upon our eyes. He will have us harden our hearts to them. As crazy as that sounds that it he ultimate goal. We will say things to them that will hurt them. We will accuse falsely, yell out of sinful rage, hurt their spirit, diminish their joy for life.

3. Sever the bond: Lastly, he will destroy the bond of mother and child. Without God intertwining between our children and us, we will not be strong enough to hold onto the relationship God had in store for us. It will be starved of love, grace, understanding, compassion, forgiveness. Instead it will be consumed with
resentment, hurt, bitterness, anger, frustration, unforgiveness, and hate. After time goes by and wounds continue to be made without either party knowing they are even causing them. At that point the devil has won a huge victory. The pathetic Christian generation we were seeking to create was defeated right before our blind eyes.

Did this scare you? IT SHOULD!!! Satan has no plans for you to love let alone speak to your children in the end. He is here for one purpose in your calling of motherhood. One purpose for your children and you… to lie, destroy and kill ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that pulls you and your children to Jesus. And that is seriously scary stuff. The gospel we believe in was and
is meant to be shared TOGETHER, both the giving and receiving of grace, inspiring each of us to strive for a relationship with our children that shines outwards to others and draws them in.

How to fight back: Get ready to pull out the big gun for our enemy Satan.

1. Prayer… WITH OUR CHILDREN: We have plenty of other strategies that we can pray on our own time. But Satan is after our relationship with our children NOW. Get them in on the fight! Start disciplining them in how to fight back. There is no time to wait. Pray with them about anything and everything. Let them speak from their hearts to our Father even if their prayers are, lets face it, sometimes petty. Be sure, our Father is smiling in love for their words to Him. Let them here our prayers. That is how, as they age they will learn how powerful we can be with God always there.

Philippians 2:2-4 - Make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose. Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but
with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others.

2. Communicate… WITH OUR CHILDREN: "Sticks and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me." I DON'T THINK SO!!! Words do hurt. If they didn't then the statistics for suicide, divorce, etc would be way lower. A friend of mine
had her nephew try to hang himself at the age of 9 because of words. Words can and do hurt. It is the devil's biggest weapon against us. Not only can he influence people to say hurtful things, but even if what they say isn't hurtful; he can manipulate the receiver into thinking they heard something entirely different.
So use his own weapon against him, talk with our children. When something they say is hurtful talk to them about it. Try to find out if the words they are using match the way they are feeling. If they do seek the bible for guidance on how to help them resolve those feelings. If we do this then they will be open with us when we have
said or done something to hurt them.

Hebrews 10:24-25 - Let us consider how to stimulate one another to love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another
and all the more as you see the day drawing near.

3. Strengthen our army: We want to have Satan scared. We want to have his tools against us useless. Because if we can have peace in a Christlike relationship with out children, we are creating witnesses. Now we are moving as one body, with one purpose. Now we have strength in numbers. Our children, like us, were born to be warriors. Each one has a very strategic purpose that God needs them to fulfill. We need to be their commanders. They need to have such a strong relationship with us that when the devil tries to attack they know God and their mothers are right there to back them up. Teach them now! Teach them how to fight Satan right this minute.

Psalm 18:32-34 - The God who equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He made my feet like the feet of a deer and set me secure on the heights. He trains my hands for war, so
that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

Closing prayer: Thank you Father for your ever guiding word. We thank you for blessing us with our children. We want to bring them up knowing you Father. We want them seeking you fervently. You have given us the tools to take back our motherhood and keep it. You have shown us how to strategize a battle plan. We know now that we are not just fighting a random fight. We are fighting for our husbands, our children, our friends, our families, ourselves,
everyone. Keep these teachings close to our heart Lord. In Jesus' name, amen.

Bible Verse for the Week: Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you: be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.



Are you ready mommy? Are you ready to take your weapons into battle and reclaim your motherhood? Reclaim your calling?
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