how many of you would care if i died...

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I don't know myself and that scares me, I think i'm one way but my anxiety tells me I am another.

I don't deserve love,
I don't deserve pity, vain, caring people around me
I don't deserve to be calm.

Every time i'm around someone I end up ruining whatever I had with them due to the pills I have to take to keep me from passing out near them. I act calm and collected because if you saw me irl...you wouldn't recognize me. I am a broken shell that nobody cares to search, social anxiety is not a PHASE it is a disorder that comes with ages and sticks with you for the rest of your life whether you like it or not. It is a burden and so am I
Today my cousin died it was all my fault, my crush is in a relationship but I still bugged and begged him to date me. Turns out he wasn't gay, just hated my presence so he stopped answering my texts
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I always feel alone, with no one around, even with people there I still get that feeling, like when your sad and get that lump in your throat,or the emptyness in your belly, the stinging pain in your heart that can only get out through tears, but sometimes when you try to cry you can't, I hate that feeling.

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Yes I do (thanks for Thu invite)
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Yes I do

And I ask myself why?
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Definitely

Yes my one sister +circus baby
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