CULTIVATE THE CYCLE OF UPLIFTING COMMUNICATION
Excerpt from” How to Really Love a Woman” by Sasha Lessin, Ph.D. and Janet Kira Lessin
Here’s Hampton-Turner’s cybernetic mode of how lovers or friends. You and they grow from interacting. In this model, honest communication improves relationships. Take turns with intimates completing the CAPITALIZED sentences. Write up the completions you each say.
When you confront your intimates and take to heart what they say, you help each other grow. You feel loved and make your choices based on love. You accept, adore, cooperate and share more. The more you share, the more you develop judgment, competence and individuality and actively show these to your intimates, who lovingly yet honestly share reactions. Use this feedback to raise your consciousness so you perceive with greater clarity, develop your individuality further and make better choices.
Commit to intimates whom you accept, people who lovingly challenge and enhance you.
Challenge is critical; in the heat of intense, authentic emotional confrontation you give each other the feedback each of you needs to understand how you affect each other, the feedback you need to become more loving.
You risk your vulnerability with the intimates you commit to--they could reject or accept you and your growth. Stop seeing things only your way and open to your intimates’ opinions. Care about their development.
Learn from each other, cooperate, and make ever-more growth-enhancing choices, based on the loving energy you share. Embrace the cycle with your intimates and raise your sophistication as you learn from their experience and feedback. Your growth simultaneously contributes to theirs. As you mature from their feedback, you can give the greater love, acceptance, cooperation and feedback they need.
You and your partners grow when you cultivate the cybernetic communication cycle. You spiral up when you let each other go separate directions around the outer rims of the cycle wheels in the diagram that accompanies this blog. When you reach the shared rim in the middle of the chart, where clockwise merges with counter-clockwise, you care about each other's growth. On the shared rim, you confront and take to heart what they say. You help each other grow. You feel loved and make your choices based on love. You accept, adore, cooperate and share more.
Develop judgment, competence and individuality and actively show these to your intimates, who lovingly yet honestly share reactions. Use this feedback to raise your consciousness so you perceive with greater clarity, develop your individuality further and make better choices.
Your growth simultaneously contributes to your intimates’ growth. As you mature from their feedback, you can give the greater love, acceptance, cooperation and feedback they need. Each time you complete a cycle--choice, commitment, vulnerability, encouragement, synergistic learning and use of each other's reactions--you raise your consciousness.
In the exercises to follow, you and your intimates experience each of the steps in the communication cycle. You learn to choose, see, feel and enjoy each other, assert yourselves, know you can share. You commit and risk; let love affect each of you. You celebrate your individuality, similarity and universality. Cooperate and encourage each other to learn and grow by just completing the sentences. All-in-all, the exercises and the communication cycle teach you to use each other’s views to better yourself and mutually make more.
To start the cycle, each says:
"I LOVE YOU."
"I WANT YOU AS MY INTIMATE/MATE/LOVER/FRIEND [Choose which]."
"I'M GLAD I'M YOUR INTIMATE/MATE/LOVER/FRIEND."
"I WANT A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU."
"I WANT MUTUALLY DELIGHTFUL RELATIONS WITH YOU."
See, Feel, Enjoy
Sharpen your awareness lest you dull yourself. Understand and value each other as contradictory, multi-faceted and complex. Tolerate and sympathize; be reasonable and sensitive. Love while you see and accept each other's flaws.
Seek to know each other, but avoid prying. Show respectful regard for each other, neither indifference nor interrogation.
Share your changing opinions with your intimates, even if it's risky. The alternative is to say what you think they want to hear. The cost of that is they can relate only to your lies. Inside, you feel unknown and unloved. And you torture yourself for lying.
Know You Can Share
You can cheer your intimates with words. Or do the opposite. Some kind, gentle words cost you little and mean a lot.
Get involved with, care about and commit to your mates, lovers, friends. Say what you see. Help them grow. And grow up.
Say to each, "DEAR INTIMATE/MATE/LOVER/FRIEND, I COMMIT TO YOUR WELL-BEING AND GROWTH." "I SUPPORT YOU IN YOUR GOALS."
Risk: Let Your Intimates Love Affect You
Declare your ideas, especially about yourself. Let your intimates influence what you think and do. Bend, adapt, and trust. Weigh the risk of sharing against the return of more intimacy. Share only when you and they feel trust.
Finish this sentence with each other as many times as you can:
"YOU DON'T KNOW I ..."
What do you dread divulging? Magnify your fear and finish:
"I HAVE SECRETS SO BAD THAT IF YOU KNEW YOU'D ..."
If your intimates can cope with those, complete these:
"IT'S HARDEST TO TELL YOU..."
"I RISK OUR RELATION BY REVEALING ..."
Celebrate You're Singular, Similar & Same
When you tell the truth, you and your intimates learn you're different, similar and just alike. Singular, similar, and the same. Delight in your differences. Similarities let you feel close. Your sameness is your spiritual unity, the wholeness of parts joining.
Complete to each other:
"WE VARY IN THESE WAYS ..."
"I ENJOY THESE DIFFERENCES ..."
"I SEE US SIMILAR INASMUCH AS WE BOTH ..."
"I IDENTIFY WITH YOU WHEN ..."
"OUR SOULS CONNECT WHEN ..."
Grow Encouraging Each Other
Find new meanings together. Reach out to help each other meet needs. Encounter with care and mutual respect. Recognize you are each equal to the other. When you help your intimates develop, you grow. You flower when you tell your thoughts and express your emotions that help the other mature.
Say, " I THINK YOUR STRENGTHS ARE ..." (State some.)
Then switch. Your intimates tell you their assessment of your admirable attributes.
Say, "IF YOU STIMULATE THESE STRENGTHS, FIVE YEARS FROM NOW YOU'LL ..." (Complete.)
Learn from Each Other
Understand and artfully affirm each other. Stop submitting. Don't dominate. Learn from your intimates that you're more than you think.
Complete with each other: "THE MOST VALUABLE THING FOR YOU TO KNOW ABOUT YOURSELF AND HOW YOU AFFECT ME IS ..."
Tell each other, "LET'S WORK TOGETHER AND BOTH GAIN ..."
“HERE’S HOW TO SATISFY ME BETTER...” (finish, show them)
“HOW CAN I SATISFY YOU BETTER?” Then do it.
Use Your Darling's View for a Better You: Integrate Feedback
Mull your intimates’ messages and you mature. Complete to each other:
"WHEN I FIRST SAW YOU, I THOUGHT ..."
"NOW I SEE YOU AS ..."
"YOU'VE MADE ME AWARE THAT TO YOU I SEEM ..."
Mutually Make More
The following brings it all home. Hold hands; look in each of your intimates’ eyes. Take turns completing the cues. If your intimates isn't present, proclaim to a pillow, pretending it's him or her.
"HOW I CHOOSE TO RELATE TO YOU IS..."
"THESE ARE THE PATTERNS WE PRACTICE..."
"WITH YOU I'M ..."
"I SAVOR THESE SIX SUCCESSES SHARING WITH YOU ..."
"I'M HONEST AND CARING WITH YOU WHEN I USE THESE SKILLS ..."
"I PROMISE YOU ..."
"I LET YOU AFFECT MY ATTITUDES WHEN ..."
"I CARE FOR YOU IN A WAY YOU CAN FEEL WHEN ..."
"YOU REACH OUT, CONTACTING ME WHEN YOU ..."
"I FEEL KNOWN AND ENCOURAGED WHEN YOU ..."
Hampton-Turner, C. 1970, Radical man. London: Duckworth.