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We Get to start fresh every day. Let go of the crap, it can't be changed. However how you deal with life can Have hope.

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Trail of Lights in Austin Texas "Christmas Music":

Merry Christmas

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i've riden the bipolar coaster for decades. I was a good patient, taking meds, doing therapy, but STILL I saw wreckage in my wake. Damaged relationships, facing the same problem over and over again. Feeling isolated, hurt and like a POS.
I was treating my disease, but not Linda. Crazy isn't the end of all personal issues. Sometimes it's the tip of the iceberg. Think of the coping skills you used to survive before treatment. They don't just magically go away.

Face it, we all know there are dark places we deny inside of us. We pretend they don't exist. Facing the demons, saying it out loud makes it real, and nobody wants to be that guy.

I had an incredible opportunity for a last chance at love and happiness. I dropped everything (my kids are grown and gone) and moved 1200mi to live with my former lover... circa 1983. I decided to take advantage of the chance to fix Linda. All of her.
I asked God to help me see my reality. Who Linda really is, good, bad and ugly. My truth was ugly indeed. It was 57 years of programming learned from my mother, and hers before then. I vowed to stop the curse here. I spoke the hidden truth and stared down my personal "demons". In doing so I found the strength to conquer all of them. I knew that my new relationship would suffer the same defeat if I left this undone.

It's the "how can you expect a new result if you keep doing the same things?" Einstein calls it insanity. I'm crazy enough already. And I've less years ahead of me so there's no time to waste.

My special talent is to be the victim, all the time. Poor me. Help me.. Feel sorry for me. I always had a great excuse to fail, or simply not to try. It wasn't my fault.

But it manufactured it by twisting every situation so I ended up being the victim, when in reality I was usually the PROBLEM. Brilliant, destructive and unhealthy to everyone around me. The damaged relationships, lost friends, time wanted in depression and isolation instead of living life.

Solution is my personal BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION PROGRAM. I learned the skills in therapy as I was in denial. Now it was time to employ them. So, with every single word, reaction, decision and action I have a little war between good and evil to make sure my behavior is healthy and not destructive. Not easy. Sometimes I have to remove myself from the environment to gain perspective, and weigh all possible actions /answers and results to decide what to do. Exhausting and worth it. It's about 2 years and the correct choices come naturally more often, and my relationships are showing a difference. Yes, I handed out many bricks to my loved ones, and it takes patience waiting for the walls to come down. I'm accountable, I'll wait.

MORAL OF THE STORY IS KNOW YOURSELF. FACE THE UGLINESS AND CURE IT. don't just mask a symptoms and leave the cancer to grow. Remember, especially if you suffer from mental illness, you developed these behaviors to cope and survive. Now you've bravely faced your illness and sought treatment, keep going on and repair the damage you did living before treatment. Sometimes it's just you.

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