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“Marriage is like a deck of cards.”

“How so?”

“In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end you, you wish you had a damn club and a spade.”

“Heavenly Hotel front desk, how may I help you?”

“You need to send someone up to my room immediately,I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out the window.”

“I’m sorry sir, that is a personal matter.”

“Listen here you idiot,the window won’t open and that’s a maintenance problem.”

“Sorry about that, I’m looking for my wife and  I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

“What a coincidence I’m looking for my wife too.”

“maybe, we help each other, what does your wife look like?”

“She’s 24,tall, blonde hair,green eyes,long legs,big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts,a top and no bra. What does your wife look like?”

“Doesn’t matter let’s look for your wife.”

“Do you ever look at your wife’s face when you make love?”

“I did once and saw the anger in her face.”

“Why anger?”

“Because she was watching from the window?”

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
#Funny #Joke #Humor 

There's an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who
kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I
hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!"
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone
who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen."
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the
priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest
arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in
town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen."
The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new
priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at
the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, your
wife fell three times this week."
#Funny #Jokes #Humor

Little Johnny lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Johnny hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Johnnie determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so Little Johnny decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, Little Johnny asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" Little Johnny answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth." His dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

#Funny #Humor #Jokes 

Four guys have been going to the same deer camp for many years. Two days before the group is to leave, Frank’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Frank’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Frank sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire.

“Damn man, how long you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, ‘Guess who?’” I pulled her hands off, and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and pulled me to our bedroom. The room had candles and rose pedals all over. On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed, and I did.
And then she said, “Do what ever you want.”
So, here I am.
#Funny #Joke #Humor

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said.

She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family.":)
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