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Carrie Heinze-Musgrove (Carrienet)
127 followers -
Tell me your story.
Tell me your story.

127 followers
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Most relationships can tolerate a reasonable amount of stress. It is unrealistic to think that everyone can behave perfectly 100% of the time. Nor should that be the goal of your relationships.

However, it is important to differentiate between what things simply annoy you and are trivial in the relationship, and which behaviors and conditions are absolutely unacceptable.

Deal breakers are behaviors and circumstances that a person is unwilling to or unable to tolerate in a relationship. Since “tolerance” is individual and subjective, everyone has different opinions of what is acceptable. Deal breakers are different for everyone.

Every person should have a list of deal breakers. Period. A clear sense of what’s important to you. An awareness of what you value in a relationship. An internal conception of what is good, beneficial, important, useful, loving, beautiful, desirable, and constructive.

What you personally value is essential to who you are and who you want to be. Your values are the things that you believe are important in the way you live and work. If done right, your personal values help you to determine your priorities and they will tell you if your life is turning out the way you want it to.

When the things that you do and the way you behave match your values, life is typically good. You are satisfied and content. But when these don’t match up with your personal values, this is when things feel very wrong to you. This can be a genuine source of unhappiness.

Without deal breakers, you could find yourself treated any which way. Without personal values, we deny, rationalize and minimize behaviors and as a result, we overlook a lot of things. We miss or ignore the red flags. We disregard the warning signs and most importantly, we miss the opportunity to correct problem early on.

Deal breakers can be signs of incompatibility. The longer an unacceptable condition is allowed to continue, without the ability to correct it, stop it or walk away from it, the more likely it is to become toxic. Sometimes the best way we can express our love is by refusing to tolerate something in a partner that is causing harm or doing damage to them, to ourselves, or to others.

Therapy can assist you in becoming more aware of these important factors in your life. It can teach you how to find your backbone. Your values and deal breakers can be used as a guide to make the best choice in any situation. Some of life’s decisions are really about determining what you value most. Values and deal breakers are a strong guiding force to point you in the right direction.

Tell me your story.

Carrie


http://www.carrienet.com/what-are-your-relationship-deal-breakers/
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Unlimited forgiveness? How many times can you forgive? How many apologizes and I’m sorrys are too many? When does it become unhealthy for you to forgive someone over and over and over again?

Many contend that that we should forgive others because it is good for us. Theoretically, the forgiver is the one who benefits.

But when does your ability to readily forgive others actually become your weakness?

Many of us end up in relationships that repeatedly result in the same behaviors, excuses and apologies we have experienced time and time again. But despite the many times your heart has been broken, the lies you’ve been told, the excuses you’ve heard and the feelings of disappointment and hurt…you forgive.

You forgive. And then the same wrongdoing happens again. You feel hurt, frustrated and angry. You forgave this person once, yet here you are again. Every time they promise to try harder, then ultimately fail. Every incident deteriorates the bond of friendship, family or love that you have with them. Every time stings just a little bit more than the last time.

It’s a vicious cycle.

One of the big problems with forgiving is that so many people don't really understand what forgiveness is or how it works. We think we do, but we don't.

If you are hurt once then you are the victim. If you are hurt twice and don’t make an effort to change things, then you are on your way to becoming an enabler. If you find yourself constantly forgiving, it’s time to take a look at the dance you are doing with the other person. The one that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked, or abused.

The solution to ending the cycle of hurt and disappointment starts with you. There is never a need to continue trusting those who violate your trust. You don’t have to like being around those who hurt you. Through #therapy you learn to give yourself permission to forgive, forget, and let go of the bitterness while enforcing your rights to healthy boundaries.

Tell me your story.

Carrie
http://www.carrienet.com/unlimited-forgiveness/
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Do your struggles define you? All of us struggle in life. Sometimes the struggles are fairly insignificant and other times the struggles are completely overwhelming.

Many of us tend to focus on what isn't working or what's gone wrong in our past. Depression and anxiety seem to exacerbate the fight tenfold.

People mistakenly identify themselves by what they’ve done, what they do, or what has been done to them. Labels such as victim, addict, bipolar, failure, lazy, dumb, divorced, etc., can easily become defining features. The struggle becomes the identity. The struggle dictates who you are. It defines how you see yourself, what you believe other people see, and shapes what you will do tomorrow.

While the past has greatly influenced who you are, it does not define who you are. Your past does not define, limit, or restrict you and whom you choose to be. Your past only has as much power as you give it. Holding on to past failures and letting your struggles get the best of you will hold you back from reaching your full potential.

Let the past serve as your lessons and reminders. Your past failures hold tremendous value if you learn from them and improve yourself as a result. It is what you do with your struggles that make you who you are.

Your goals are ahead of you, not behind you. What you allow yourself to do today, and what you do on behalf of a better tomorrow is in your control. Consciously focus on the parts of your struggle that remind you of how resilient you are. From this perspective, you’ll start to see life as a remarkable and rich experience. The key to healing is finding purpose in your pain.

Tell me your story.

Carrie
http://www.carrienet.com/do-your-struggles-define-you/
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Every day I become a little bit more like my mother… Thank you mothers for your unconditional love, support and sacrifices. May you feel loved, honored and recognized today and everyday.

For the one who has lost a mother, for the mother who has lost a child, for the one who longs to be a mom: You are not forgotten this Mother’s Day. You are in my thoughts and I wish you love and peace.

Carrie
http://www.carrienet.com/every-day-i-become-a-little-bit-more-like-my-mother/
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The right tools for the job. Imagine, if you will, you have been placed blindfolded in a field. You are told that your job is to run around this field, but you can’t take the blindfold off. Unbeknownst to you, this field is filled with a variety of large holes. You are given only a tool bag and left to your own devices.

Inevitably, with time, you fall into these holes. While stuck at the bottom, you feel around inside your tool bag to see if there is anything in it that can help you find your way out. To your surprise, all your tool bag contains is a shovel.

So you dig and you dig and you dig. And you dig faster. But the hole isn’t getting smaller as you had hoped; it’s actually getting bigger. And bigger. And bigger.

So, you think to yourself, “Maybe I need a bigger shovel and I could really get myself out of this.”

But here’s the thing….shovels aren’t for getting out of holes – shovels make holes.

All of us do things that leave us feeling stuck, stagnant or feel that we are moving backwards rather than forward.

Often when we are trying to get ourselves out of a hole, such as depression or anxiety, we actually end up digging ourselves further and further into it. Out of our desperation, we quickly fall into believing everyone’s solution for getting out of the hole, only to be buried. This doesn’t mean that there is something fundamentally wrong with you, or that you are always going to do this.

But digging is futile. You’ve already tried all the obvious things. You’re smart. You’ve already done what makes sense to you. Yet you are still in the hole. Perhaps the things you’ve tried simply don’t work. Maybe these so called solutions are actually part of the problem.

Put down the shovels. Step back and put down your old strategies. Allow #therapy to help you make room for new strategies and give you the gift of lifelong tools.

Tell me your story.

Carrie

http://www.carrienet.com/the-right-tools-for-the-job/
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What you allow you encourage. Are you able to stand up for yourself in your relationships?

Whatever you allow or tolerate from others sets the tone for how you are treated. We teach people how to treat us by what we accept. If we don’t speak up about things that make us feel uncomfortable, upset, hurt, etc., we are ultimately consenting to the behavior.

Unhealthy relationships always show signs of deficient boundaries. People who are highly emotional, people-pleasing, argumentative, defensive, highly reactive, overly caretaking, controlling, intrusive and so forth have weak boundaries.

Strong boundaries are mandatory if you want healthy relationships. By setting clear boundaries, you tell others what you will and will not accept in your world. Knowing your limits, knowing what works for you, what doesn’t work for you and being able to communicate it to others is key.

Boundaries are about self-respect. They can include material, emotional, physical, mental and sexual components. If you have difficulty saying no, if you override your needs to please others, if you regularly tolerate disrespect from the people around you, then don’t expect people to change the way they treat you. Why would they?

It is your responsibility to speak up. Standing up for yourself is an essential part of any relationship and even more so in a love relationship. To keep a relationship strong and healthy, learn how to stand your ground.

Fearlessness is not required to be able to set a limit on someone. You simply need a clear understanding that taking advantage your time, resources, energy, love, etc., is not okay. If it continues, there will be consequences moving forward. Assertion is about knowing yourself, your values, and your ability to clearly communicate your expectations to other people while simultaneously maintaining respect for them.

People aren't going to like it when you start saying no if you have always been a doormat. But constantly trying to please other people in the end leads to stress and sometimes depression.

People often say they set a boundary, but it didn’t help. There’s an art to setting boundaries. If it didn’t help, you are probably not doing it right. Boundaries are not meant to punish. They are for your well-being and protection. They are more effective when you are assertive, calm, firm, and courteous.

In addition, many people threaten consequences they are not fully prepared to carry out. Not carrying out the consequences inadvertently makes it clear you don’t mean what you say. Idle threats hurt rather than help the relationship.

#Therapy provides a supportive environment to relearn how to set effective boundaries. Being a doormat is reversible. Self-awareness and learning to be assertive are the first steps. Standing up for yourself when someone disrespects you, treats you poorly, or otherwise encroaches on your mental or physical wellbeing will do wonders for your self-esteem.

Ultimately your boundaries should give you a firm sense of who you are and who you are not. Contact me if you need help setting boundaries.

Tell me your story.

Carrie
http://www.carrienet.com/what-you-allow-you-encourage/
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Is emotional baggage sabotaging your relationships? Emotional baggage refers to the feelings you have about your past and the things that have happened to you. These emotions shape how you see others and how you see yourself. They often have a negative impact on your behavior and your attitude.

Baggage is extremely powerful because it influences how you conduct yourself in relationships. Baggage shapes the types of people you are drawn to. Baggage affects how you think, how you feel and how you behave in relationships.

Even people with the most “normal” upbringings have baggage. You do not need to have experienced severe trauma in order to have baggage. Everyone, everywhere, has baggage.

Despite its widespread existence, we spend a lot of time making excuses for our baggage. We defend our mistakes. We justify our mistakes. We run and hide from our baggage. In actuality, we simply need to accept our shortcomings.

People tend to either sweep emotional baggage under the rug by pretending it doesn’t exist, or react negatively by withdrawing, feeling hopeless or behaving angrily. Many times people try to deceive themselves into thinking their baggage doesn’t need to be dealt with or that it will go away on its own. Neither one is true.

When you think about your emotional triggers you are better equipped to handle situations that arise. It is important for you to find a sense of hope and a willingness to heal from whatever in your past is troubling you. The key to dealing with emotional baggage is to be aware of it, know it, own it, and handle it so that it doesn’t interfere with important relationships moving forward.

You have two choices: Continue “as is” by dragging your baggage around with you from relationship to relationship (the very reason it continues to accumulate and spill over into multiple aspects of your life), or use the opportunity to learn from your past.

If you have issues, you can still be in healthy relationships. Own your issues and take responsibility, relieving others of the burden of your "stuff." Once you understand your past and your limitations, you can then go to work on them and ready yourself for real, fulfilling relationships.

Contact me for help in keeping your baggage in check so you can have happier relationships.

Tell me your story.

Carrie
http://www.carrienet.com/is-emotional-baggage-sabotaging-your-relationships/
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You can’t calm the storm. How many times have you hit a wall during your life and wanted to quit? Maybe you are there now.

Life can be fairly complicated. Most of us have plenty to manage in our day-to-day lives such as jobs, relationships, family, finances, sleep, health and so forth.

We all seem to have a tremendous amount of unrelenting chronic stress in our lives. Living in prolonged stress and anxiety is uncomfortable. Most would argue that it is really no way to live at all. Yet for many of us, this has become the norm. Everyday is about simply surviving, only to get up and do it all over again tomorrow.

To change your life in a big way, you have to start small. Simplifying your life must involve differentiating between those things you have control over and those things you do not.

A prayer with origins from centuries ago, revised a number of times sums it up best:

“Grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.” ‐ Reinhold Niebuhr

Control is an illusion. You risk exhaustion and burnout by trying to control everything. You also limit your growth and potential. The outside world has the ability to trigger your emotional responses. While you don’t choose to be affected the way that you are, you simply react. Reacting negatively doesn’t keep bad things from happening; it delays your progress.

If distinguishing between what’s in your control and what is not sounds easier said than done, then it’s time for #therapy. #Therapy teaches you how to better invest your time and energy. While you may not have control over specific events, you do have the power to decide how to deal with it. This process is entirely within your control.

Tell me your story.

Carrie
http://www.carrienet.com/you-cant-calm-the-storm/
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Inner Strength How many times have you wished for more inner strength?

Life delivers some paralyzing blows. People often find themselves in less than ideal situations. They surrender to their problems instead of finding the strength to fight.

You are not alone if you are grasping for inner strength and ways to pull yourself out of your crisis and feel “normal” again. Believe it or not, people are not born with inner strength. Inner strength is developed like any other skill. You have it in you. You just have to find it.

Developing inner strength is finding the courage to live according to what you value. It is also being confident enough to establish your own definition of success. Mental strength is being able to manage your emotions, thoughts and behaviors in a positive manner regardless of your circumstances.

But how do you find hope and meaning in life after your world is turned upside down?

The mentally strong are the ones who have tried and tried again even when it seems too difficult. They recognize that doing what is hard is more fulfilling and worthwhile than doing what is easy.

Being strong isn’t just being able to get through the tragedy; it is also preparing yourself for what lies ahead. Strength is not only getting through the situation, but knowing when a situation is bad for you. It’s also being able to walk away from people, places and things that no longer serve you.

Strength isn’t found over night. If you have looked for inner strength without success, it is time for #therapy. Don’t torture yourself any longer. Don’t let your adversities and setbacks hold you down. You are in control of your own destiny and happiness.

Tell me your story.

Carrie
http://www.carrienet.com/inner-strength-2/
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Fear of Rejection. The fear of rejection is widespread. This instinctive emotion paralyzes and hinders us from doing the things we really want to do. Perhaps more than anything else, we fear losing approval from others. Fear of rejection is really our fear of hurt and pain.

In our efforts to avoid these unpleasant feelings, we engage in dangerous and unhealthy behaviors. So, instead of the fear keeping us safe and alert, it causes us to lose the very thing we fear losing.

For instance, we isolate from people rather than risk reaching out. We silence ourselves from friends and family rather than communicating. We reject others to avoid being rejected. Or we bend over backwards to please others rather than practice assertiveness.

Fear of rejection can result in very destructive emotional and behavioral problems such as codependency, clinginess, obsessiveness, manipulation, submission, dangerous sexual practices, self-pity, excessive self-sacrifice, jealousy and anger and rage in relationships.

If you are in this situation, then the sooner you seek #therapy, the sooner you can move on. Fear of rejection and the unhealthy behavior patterns that develop as a result of this fear are very responsive to #therapy. #Therapy helps you become more confident and less afraid of yourself. As a result, you become less intimidated by rejection and become more empowered to love and be loved.

Tell me your story.

Carrie
http://www.carrienet.com/fear-of-rejection/
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