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Damn funny jokes
Simply the best page to make you laugh until you crack your ribs
Simply the best page to make you laugh until you crack your ribs

Damn funny jokes's posts

Judge: "Have you anything to offer to this Court before I pass sentence?"

Defendant: "No your honor, my lawyer took every penny."

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Little Johnny loves gambling and
his wayward mother saw nothing
wrong in it.
One day his father got a new job
so his family had to move to a
new city.
Johnny's daddy thought '' I'll need
to stop Johnny's gambling habit
before he takes it to his new
school ''.
So he called the teacher and said ''
My son Johnny will be starting
your class tomorrow but he likes
to gamble so u'll have to keep an
eye on him ''.
The teacher replied '' Don't worry
sir, I can handle it ''.
The next day Johnny walked into
the class, gave the teacher an
apple and said '' Hi, my name is
Johnny ''.
The teacher replied '' Yes, i know
who u are ''.
Johnny smiled and continued '' I
bet u ten dollars, you've got a
mole on ur butt ''.
The teacher thought she could
break his gambling habit so she
took him up on the bet.
She pulled her pant down,
showed him her butt and there
was no mole.
That afternoon, Johnny went
home and told his father how he
lost ten dollars to his teacher.
So his dad called the teacher and
said '' Johnny said he bet u ten
dollars that u had a mole on ur
butt and he lost? ''.
The teacher replied '' Yes sir, and i
think i broke his gambling habit ''.
Johnny's dad laughed and said ''
U've broken nothing, he bet his
mother hundred dollars this
morning that he'd see ur ass
before the day was over ''.

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.
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