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Mark Laba
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Hamburger Helper Hand
"Yes, yes, that's it, faster, no slower, now faster, wait, wait, not so hard, don't squeeze, just stroke, yes, yes, that's it, oh shit, oh god, oh shit, yes, now yank on it, that's it, yank it like you just caught a ten-pound rainbow trout, yeah, yeah, oooh...

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Cap'n Crunch
"Stubing. Captain goddamn Stubing!" Cap'n Crunch cursed that name. It was Stubing who got him into this situation in the first place. Once, he had sailed the seven seas battling evildoers like pirate Jean LaFoot and Neck-Goiter Pete and now he was steering ...

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Jolly Green Giant
Ironically, the Jolly Green Giant was neither jolly, green or even big. In fact he was sad, jaundice-yellow and rather puny. Born into abject poverty, life was tough in the Valley for his parents, Fred and Gerta Untsmeyer, local farmers who watched crop aft...

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Pillsbury Dough Boy
"Poke me one more fuckin' time and I'll waste you, kid." "Jesus. Okay, cut. Hey, kid, take a break. Go over to the food table there and grab some snacks. I'm just going to have little talk with the Doughboy here." The director got up from his chair, eyes bl...

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Skippy the Peanut Butter Squirrel
It all began with that incident in the park. It was a moment Skippy the Squirrel would never forget and was perhaps, the turning point in his life that helped him become the successful rodent that he is today. The fact that a homeless man, a man who could b...

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Skippy the Peanut Butter Squirrel
It all began with that incident in the park. It was a moment Skippy the Squirrel would never forget and was perhaps, the turning point in his life that helped him become the successful rodent he is today. The fact that a homeless man, a man who could barely...

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