This is just gonna be a bit of whatever comes to mind, not really concise, nor filled with a specific direction.
I will title this... "Insert Words Here"
I miss my Mom. I miss my Dad. I miss my biological donor of a father.
Right now, I'm in that stage where I admit that I miss my family that has changed energy forms.
I loved all three of those I listed.
From my bio father, who as I get older, I want to know why he made the decisions he made regarding his dying and what happened afterwords. His actions at the end screwed over my sister, and myself. Enough so that, I still have a low level resentment towards his actions. I have half his ashes, and my sister has the other.
I've had them for a very long time now, and my frustration with him should simply of truly abated by now. And most days it's not a real thought, until it is. I think I'm going to have to simply spread his ashes and let it go. There are no direct healthy answers there.
Then there's my Dad. Technically he was my step-dad, but at the end of his life he truly wore that Mantle.
Here is one of the most tumultuous people and period of my life until his passing. When I was younger, I looked up to him. But what I didn't know was how he grew up, nor his jealousy of me with my Mom loving me before loving him. My Mom and him hit it off. He had baggage, she had baggage, they fit together.
But for the majority of my teen years, I experienced significant physical, emotional and mental abuse at his hands. He was certainly a catalyst in my first suicidal attempt. His idea of a funny joke back then could be anything from spiking my drinks with jalapenos, to doing the drive away and stop and wait for you, then drive away again.. all the while you had a sprained ankle.
That last one.. with the stop and go, while I had a sprained ankle. That one ended poorly as many other crucial moments before.
I had a sprained ankle, it was pretty bad, and hurt immensely to walk on it, but that didn't stop him from making me come with him to go over to an estate of a relative of his that had passed, with a person he hadn't cared about at all. But he took me there to help clean and work on the equivalent of chores, that needed a go fer. Finally we finish the shit there, and I go to get in the van, he starts laughing and drives a bit down the block, this happens 3 more times. Finally I just simply started to limp walk home 2 miles away.
Now, when I got there, I thought, it would be over, he was a jerk and pushed the joke to far, and I had literally had enough. He drove home after I started walking.
Now when I got there, walked in, and said I was home, well at first it was that calm before the storm, because he was there, and my Mom was there, and now I was there. She asked me why I walked home. And at this point, my ankle had been throbbing, but also by this time, I had gotten so used to physical pain and violence, I was a bit numb to its effects anymore. I said, something that went along the lines Joe wouldn't let me get in the van, and I started...
And he comes flying into the room from another room and at this point I was in the kitchen, and he starts raining down straight up punches on me. He clocked me good in the face and I was trying to back up so I had room to fight back and then Mom gets in the middle of it starts holding on to me as I'm trying open the backdoor so I can get outside and into the yard so he and I could finally have this fucking fight he's been trying to push on me for the last 4-5 years ... and she's holding on to me.. which is making it fucking hard to stop his fists from hitting.. and I pulled away from her and yell I'm not running away, I'm just getting some room to fight him!!
Then I tore free and waited outside ready to go.. if he wanted to beat me in a fight, I was going to give him the fight of his fucking life. The side of my face was hot with pain and bruises that were coming, and I don't know what transpired inside but he never came out. I don't know if he realized how badly he had lost it when he did that. Or not, but I waited...
And I think to a small degree I've always been waiting. It's taken me until my early 40's to not have my heart trip hammer with anxiety when I hear a car pulling into the driveway. The fear that HE was home, and anything and everything can trigger his anger.
Yet years later, I made peace with him. When I was 24, I wrote him a letter forgiving him what he had done to me. Because at the time, I had, had a true epiphany. He was trying to teach me, "How to be a Man", but he was warring with two things, his jealousy of a Mother's love, and the parenting he was raised with.
He was cruel and mean because that's how his father had been to him, he was vindictive and a bully because that's what his Mother instilled in her only child. She was a vicious viper who as luck would have it, hated me as well. I can honestly say, I've known evil people before, she was truly one of them. When she died, a bit of light eked it's way back into the world. He began to mellow out...
Eventually, over the years that followed, I went through my own personal hells, and the damage and lack of coping mechanisms for me as a young person were wholly inefficient, but somehow, I came out the other side.
He could be a cantankerous fuck at times even when things were going good. But in the years before his death, I really grew to love the person he grew into. In the new guy, I had my "Pop".
So exceedingly much of my life in the days of old I was really catching up to try to stay afloat.
This is more or less, just a case of normal depression. The blues, the sorrow that lurks unbidden underneath the surface.
I've got coping mechanisms now. I'm able to rationalize and evaluate information now. I'm missing my family, and in some cases hanging out with my friends.
A part of me wants to run a good story driven superhero game. Same kinda goes for a good Sci-Fi campaign as well. If I do for the sci-fi, I'll probably do it with the system put together by Morrus of ENWorld, his What's O.L.D. Is N.E.W. system.
While my Sunday sessions are running great, and the party core level is now 14 for 4 of the party, and 10-12 for the others. I'm looking forward to continuing the game. (D&D 5E, isn't full of Save or Die, or inherently broken spells/abilities/etc) It's a bit refreshing and I can actually see these characters hitting 20th level in their campaign. Though they had a fear that since their characters are going to experience a downtime of about 5 years for several of the characters to level and train, they thought we "Might" interact with another campaign, and that hasn't even crossed my mind. The Emerald Wardens will continue their story for a long time to come. Or they'll die horribly in a dungeon they've been avoiding going into until they felt powerful enough to try it out. ... that was many years ago in their careers now.
Stellaris, is getting an update that brings it much closer in line with some much needed adjustments in the form of the Clarke update at the end of the month. While I think for me the midgame content and significantly advanced diplomatic options of the Asimove update, are where I need to wait before I can go back in.
Total War: Warhammer
I've been vacillating over and over about picking it up now, but from the Steam reviews it's receiving, it's the best version of Total War to date. This probably has my future written over it for now.
Politics, way to much in the way of electoral fraud occurring in areas that benefit Hillary time after time, with exit polls in many areas indicating said electoral fraud, then backing it up with machines that are super easy to hack, and no paper trails... and yet the Clinton supporter, is treating it like this was coming from the nutjob right, instead of half of the democratic party and hordes of independents who want to take the Democratic party into a different direction after the utter failure it's yielded in helping the bottom 99%. I don't understand the Hillary supporter who when they see the polls on the aggregate now, indicating she's losing to drumpf, time and time again and the steady downward driving of her numbers, and they believe she's the best choice.. yet Bernie in those same polls devastate Drumpf by up to 15%... I'm sorry if I WERE a H supporter, I would be shitting my pants right now. Cause the DNC can't rig it for her to win against Drumpf, and she's done a horrific job of pushing away the very people the party needs to win in November and down the ballot. Also, if my candidate were under investigation by the FBI and they Openly counter her talking point about it being a Security Inquiry.. and the head of the FBI says, We're performing an Investigation. I don't know anything about a Security Inquiry, heck what were doing is even in our very Name, Federal Bureau of Investigation. I wouldn't be able to support this person and I would absolutely look to her candidate, and check his numbers out, because I need an alternative.
Its like people setting themselves on fire, and wondering why the flames hurt. We've been warning you, that your candidate has the highest unfavorable ratings of any Democratic candidate since the creation of this type of poll. And you're putting them up against a person who scores 5 points worse.. she's at -20 and he's at -25.. yet there's a candidate who's still fighting who's actually a +13.
There is much more to say on this, and I'm sure I will later. The Oligarchy knows what it wants.. and we the people still haven't learned that the system is screwing us from the beginning and will try to screw us until the end.
Twitch TV, in most cases it's just people playing some video game and a bunch of unclean commenters spewing bile in their channels. Yet, there's a cool channel that I enjoy called Hyper RPG. They've got a few RPG shows they put on, (ShadowRun) on Wednesday's and Battletech/Mechwarrior (Tabletop) on Friday's. They are adding a Superhero RPG on Monday's in the near future, and a bit further down the road, they are adding in a Pathfinder RPG show (also if you are THE BOMB when it comes to GMin'g Pathfinder, go to Paizocon and try out, or look into it, because they are looking for a great GM who lives in the Seattle Area.)
Side Note: To all the guys who keep being dicks about women in gaming, and women in movies, and women in general enjoying whatever the hell they want to enjoy. Will you fucking grow the hell up already. You know you don't try that shit around me, cause I'll slap the taste out of your mouth that your parents should done when you were a kid. Women are as diverse in interest and skill sets as any guy. If you can't handle that.. and I mean this. SEE A THERAPIST. Because you need to. You are treading on some serious fucking ground when you pull that shit. If you don't like a movie because it's an all woman cast of some beloved franchise of your youth.. Then don't see it. If it's a shitty trailer.. call it out for the trailer, but until you see if the movie is actually good or a steaming pile, shut the fuck up.
See from here it's easy to stereotype folks who do this shit as easily as they do it to women. These cowards need to address their underlying fears, and recognize, a friend or a gamer or a person, or a nerd or a geek, doesn't start off with a gender, or an ethnicity or a sexual preference, that conforms to your will. They just happen to be your friend, or a gamer, or a nerd, geek, or simply a person.
Trying to equate women to some lesser status in any capacity is simply offensive.
I'm experiencing a bit of ennui that I personally think is brought on by the fatigue I've been experiencing from Diabetes, and an iron deficiency.
As I said in the beginning, a bit of a rambling mess, and at times cathartic and