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Terri Cook
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Leaves change color and fall from the trees...it's like that. Natural rhythms and rhymes of life.
Leaves change color and fall from the trees...it's like that. Natural rhythms and rhymes of life.

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Sweet Summer Solstice Solitude
Sweet Summer Solstice Solitude
terrisunflowery.blogspot.com
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Sweet Summer Solstice Solitude
(Original photo) The longest day of the year always seems significant to me. So does the shortest. I am drawn to these unbalanced days as opposed to the Equinox which are actually quite balanced in the respect of daylight hours but that isn’t what attracts ...
Sweet Summer Solstice Solitude
Sweet Summer Solstice Solitude
terrisunflowery.blogspot.com
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OneVoice
OneVoice
terrisunflowery.blogspot.com
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**
I found this special place near where I live that I can easily walk to overlooking the vast ocean of mountains and plains that I am viewing from a chair I stashed that snuggles neatly into the circling branch of a beautiful dead stag. The walk isn’t really ...
OneVoice
OneVoice
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Four more
4 more days. I am retiring from a 31 year Nursing career. There are many feelings in this. I had a great career. I mean, it wasn’t all that glamorous but I seemed to get to do what I wanted in terms of the different fields of Nursing. I set out with 3 goals...
Four more
Four more
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The Owl
The Owl keeps showing up. I have seen and heard Owl so very many times lately so I decided to  investigate when I found myself communicating with an owl tonight. She or he sang out three Who’s and I answered back with three of my own who’s. It went on like ...
The Owl
The Owl
terrisunflowery.blogspot.com
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What's new with you it asks? I laugh out loud. What is new with me indeed?! For one thing...I cannot control anything in my life!! Oh wait, that of course isn't new but the things that I cannot control are new. New for me anyway. But I ordered a new camping tent today. A new to me...returned to Amazon-new tent. I can't wait to go camping in it. But that isn't the new things-that I cannot control-new things. Those new things are the people and situations in my life that I suddenly and uncontrollably cannot handle anymore. Like.....can not handle like I used to be able to handle. Like I used to be able to sweep under the rug situations and I used to be able to handle-by ignoring/stuffing hurtful things-people that didn't please me for one reason or another. Suddenly and quite uncontrollably I cannot and that part is what is new with me. And somehow in this process I know I am becoming one of those gray haired (albeit colored with purple highlights) women that I used to always admire. I am becoming she who knows herself and won't stand for what doesn't please her. She sounds so ancient and knowing. Can I really become her? That takes me back to the uncontrollable part...I don't think I cannot NOT become her. I don't think I have a choice. But the shouldn't we just be nice and go with the flow part of me comes out of the woodwork...always there...always ready to please. She is getting weaker or just not as loud maybe. Not as loud as the gray haired lady anyway. She is growling with passion and with noise that won't be ignored. I am her and she is me. Together we'll make history. The wind is howling and a cold is settling in. Winter is a time to go within. I am old like the lady. I am old but I have a sound. I am growling with a passion and a noise that won't be ignored. It is a song within me that wants to be shared and sung. A song to be heard and a song to be sung. Much to go inward and reflect upon this windy winter night.
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Sore throat is keeping me from this precious one today. Out the back door busy playing are 3 older boys that endeavor to keep me amused and on my toes. Life is good even on a sick day!
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Pie Love!
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The Rock House

Olive and Ray moved a lot. Not too far from the last place and in fact, each place was a bit of a step up from the last. After the miscarriage Olive and her parents...mostly her mother...began the slow and unspoken process of healing. That is what brought her parents out to help Olive and Ray clean up and move into a rental...a rock house just across the border into the neighboring state of Oklahoma.

While they were going about the tasks at hand, sweeping out the cracks and crevices and washing windows that hadn't been cleaned since the prior renters had moved in several years before, Olive was getting very excited about making this rock house their home. This would be the first "house" they had rented. Mostly they had been in trailer parks or apartments.

Olive loved the yard and all the trees. Since it was early December though all the leaves were scattered thickly across the yard in different hues of brown and yellows. Between the yellows in the rock walls and the yellows sneaking out among the brown in the leaves...Olive's outlook was gradually growing sunny.

Her parents were always cordial to Ray but this was giving them an opportunity to get to know him a little bit. Ray was pretty closed when it came to letting others...especially parental/authority figures...into his inner world. But he appreciated their help and was fairly gracious for a 20 year old son in law.

They were by chance all in the same room when it happened. Olive had felt a few twinges in her pelvis while washing the windows earlier but this one was strong and it doubled her over in a matter of seconds. Everyone stopped what they were doing and stood watching her. She straightened up, looked at each one of them wondering what in the world was happening to her and hoped that they could somehow explain this pain wracking through the middle of her body. It started coming in waves and it was clear that something was wrong and that the activities of the day we're going to need to be put on hold for a little while.

It was decided that Ray would take Olive to the emergency room since it was a Sunday in 1981 and there were no such things as urgent care clinics then. Although her mom thought she might just be constipated they were also starting to fear appendicitis and decided she needed a doctor to evaluate this sudden pain and cramping. An inconvenience for sure but hopefully they would be back to the rock house in an hour or two. Maybe it was nothing...

The doctor in the emergency room ran a few tests and took an X-Ray. When the results came back he wanted to speak with Olive alone. He started asking her questions that seemed to have nothing to do with her pain. Yes, her last period was two weeks ago...yes, she was sure. NO, of course she wasn't having an affair...what does that have to do with anything anyway...but NO, she had never had sex with anyone else since meeting Ray over a year and a half ago. Why was she getting asked all these mysterious questions and why did this doctor act like he didn't believe her?

Finally, he told her that her pregnancy test was positive and that he thought she was lying about having a period two weeks ago. Starting to believe her he now thought it was a false period because she was definitely pregnant. WOW she thought...I am pregnant. That is wonderful...except why all this pain? The doctor wanted to repeat the pregnancy test and send her to a nearby hospital. It seems that the pain may mean the fetus was not where it should have been.

She and Ray drove three small towns away to go to the hospital where she had had the miscarriage 5 months ago. Surely this was going to be a better outcome this time but when they arrived at the hospital her doctor there told her the pregnancy test was negative. He was not convinced either way though so he wanted her to do another test now that she was in his care.

The next morning the doctor's nurse came in to tell her that she was indeed pregnant and that the baby was fine. She sighed with relief. What wonders and surprises. Maybe now they could go back and finish moving into the rock house. But the doctor wanted to run more tests...

Olive was confused at this point. She still had the pain coming in waves but they medicated her and it went away. She was fine and she was pregnant again and she had a new home to move into...couldn't they just leave?

The next serial pregnancy test came back negative. Wait...what? How can that be? THe nurse just told Olive that she was pregnant and the baby was fine. How can it be negative now? Olive was crushed, confused and hurting again. The pain was back and coming on strong again. Ray was getting frustrated with all of this craziness and asked to speak to the doctor once and for all.

Her doctor came in and sat down on the side of the bed. He was a very nice man Olive thought and seemed genuinely concerned. He apologized that Olive had been told that the baby was fine. In fact he said that IF there was a baby that it indeed was not fine. He wanted to do one more pregnancy test and if it came back positive he said he wanted to take her to surgery. Surgery. He would need to find out where the baby was and likely remove it along with her Fallopian tube and possibly her ovary. That could make it harder to conceive in the future...

Olive went to sleep that night with a heavy heart. The pregnancy test was positive and this time she understood that that was bad news. The next morning found her being wheeled off to surgery to have her Fallopian tube and the tiny little baby growing inside it removed. The good news, the doctor had said, was that the ovary was spared and that would make it less difficult to conceive in the future than he had first thought. All she had to do was heal from the surgery and go back to her life and eventually she would get pregnant again...she would see.

She was in the hospital for a week recovering. She had so much pain after surgery that it took physical therapy to get her moving down the hall and well enough to go home. She felt so depleted, so defeated. When it was time to discharge her she went "home" to her mother in law's home and not the rock house. They weren't going to get the rock house after all...not since this happened. Olive wasn't going to be able to go back to work for another few weeks and they decided to just stay with Ray's mom. It was heartbreaking...all of it.

Olive had a hard time healing. She never expected the surgery to hurt so much. She knew everyone thought she was just a big baby but it hurt and she wasn't sure which hurt more...the scar of surgery or the scar of losing a baby that she never even got to know she was carrying. There was no time for bonding like the 10 week pregnancy in which she had bought furniture, clothes and diapers for. This pregnancy didn't even seem real except that it was and that it was no more.

Whenever Olive sees a rock house today she remembers that time and the loss she...and Ray endured. The sunny yellow rocks in a sunny yellow yard of sunny yellow leaves...that is the memory she prefers now.



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