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Milford MCclusky
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I'm 1/4 Irish and 3/4 Ozark Hillbilly
I'm 1/4 Irish and 3/4 Ozark Hillbilly

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Cop Deterrent

By Milford A. MCclusky

Hey folks Milford here,  You all know too well the feeling you get when you get pulled over by the police ?
Well,  I was driving  through a little town in Arkansas not really paying  too much attention which is normal for me. I was  doing  50 in a 35mph zone  all the sudden  out of no where  lights were flashing in my rear view mirror I am thinking  Crap! 50 in a 35 not good,  Suddenly  I remembered that I still had a gag gift that some friends  had  purchased at Spenser’s store. There was a can of Fart Spray still in the bag on the floorboard, OH YES ! The light bulb of a brilliant idea floated above my head or …so I thought. Quickly as I am pulling over I sprayed the fart spray liberally inside the car forming a toxic cloud of stench that I had not even fathomed in my wildest imagination , as I stopped the car my eyes are tearing up I’m coughing and gagging . The Cop stepped out of his car and  began to approach  my vehicle, I roll down my window and I could see the yellow toxic cloud exiting my car like a smoke bomb as I’m coughing and crying . The cop gets close to my driver side window and I heard him saying  “Sir do you know how fast you were ……LORD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL?” as he is waving his arms frantically in front of his face.  I looked up with a tear filled face and said “OFFICER I REALLY NEED TO GO TO THE RESTROOM!” He responded  “ YOU DAMN RIGHT YOU DO!” He said” there’s a gas station about a mile ahead just Go!” He followed me with lights flashing all the way to the station as I jumped out to run in to the restroom he watched me go in then turned off his lights and left . Whew! This was the only time I ever got out of a ticket and it wasn’t pretty . Do not attempt this folks I guarantee it won’t work twice!

By Milford A. MCclusky

I’ll tell ya folks I have been more wound up than a burlap sack full of bobcats
Recently the wife told me we should go down to a certain restaurant what has them
Throwed’ rolls and enjoy a family night out. So me being the “whipped hubby”I reluctantly agreed.
Well everything went real nice for awhile, then like it was on cue it all started. This restaurant was one of them all you can eat joints “you know the type where you walk out with your shirt untucked and the 4th button of your shirt straining to maintain control” anyway they brought the food around in buckets and platters and then someone would holler “ HOT ROLLS?” and some teenager would throw a roll to ya.
Well bout’ halfway through the meal my little stepdaughter got caught up in the throwed roll frenzy and suddenly raised her hand . I was busy tearin’ up some mashed potatoes and really involved in my meal when all of the sudden BLAMMO!! The side of my face got spun around like that girl on the exorcist.
My glasses got knocked off and landed in my wife’s mashed potatoes corn got flung all over my little son
And my glass of iced tea wound up in my lap. All I could stammer out was “What the @ %!” my sons crying, my wife is looking at me with eyes as big as saucers, and my stepdaughter still has her little hand in the air. I was trying to see what happened course without my glasses it was useless and my wife said “oh honey your face” I said “What about my face?” She said “Its all red and kinda shiny” Evidently a roll had been throwed so hard that it hit my face and left Butter Burns on the side of my face. Well by then I was just plain mad. I spun around to see this kid ducking down by the roll tray. I hollered out “who in the @%! Hired Nolan freaking Ryan to toss out rolls. You could have heard a pin drop in that room I just couldn’t believe that I got struck by a roll that hard, it was like a hundred mile per hour fastball pitch. With butter beginning to seep into my eye causing burning and blurred vision I attempted to find that roll. My Wife looked up and said “ARE YOU SERIOUS!”. Our family motto when things are happening or about to happen, I quickly located the UFO and promptly throwed it back at him. Instead of offering us an apology or a free meal they decided we should pay for our meal and be lucky they didn’t call the cops for causing a disturbance. I couldn’t believe this ,but my wife feeling already embarrassed asked me to let it go and leave. Now me I was mad enough to whup somebody and I think it was headed there pretty fast. But I said fine and grabbed my coat muttering under my breath that “ If it hadn’t been for my face getting in the way they would have had to call 911 for my stepdaughter” So the lesson for the day is if your wife decides to rope you into a nice family supper
At a throwed roll place Skip it and go to McDonald’s drive thru , she’ll get over it eventually.

This is Milford with another moment of “ARE YOU SERIOUS!”
Till next time
Have a Good en’

wonderful thing about Alzheimer's the sex never gets old..and you are with a strange partner every time.

Hey, Milford here Just been watching wildlife shows, If  a critter is so dangerous that it can kill 50 people with an ounce of venom, Then why would these so called wildlife experts poke the damn thing with a stick and piss it off??

Hey , Milford here just watchn' wildlife shows Man why if something is so dangerous it could kill 50 people with an ounce of venom would you poke the thing with a damn stick and piss it off???
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