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Encyclopedia Blipvertica
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Essential Knowledge for the Twilight of a New Age
Essential Knowledge for the Twilight of a New Age

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to Time Magazine's Swampland blog, former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates believes the US "probably" should have declared war on Iraq before pounding the shit out of it, but that might have dangerously interfered with Congress' partisan dicking around.

Here is a picture of an absurdly grinning Gates head grotesquely pasted onto his body in a macabre parody of life.

More depressing information is available at http://swampland.time.com/2014/01/17/gates-u-s-probably-should-have-declared-war-on-iraq-before-launching-it/
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DENVER, COLO.—Despite blustery snow and frigid temperatures, an influx of humanity has sent Colorado's population soaring into the upper stratosphere during the first week of 2014. Local population estimates for the mountainous, equiangular state, which normally hover about the five million mark, have recently ranged from the billions of trillions to close to infinity, with no end in sight. The reasons for the sudden increase are still extremely hazy, but in the words of one resident, “It's a message from the universe, and we'd better listen.”

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WASHINGTON, D.C.—Citing irreconcilable differences, the Federal government of the nation formerly known as the United States of America announced that it was closing down operations, effective Tuesday at 12:01 AM EDT. Its assets shall henceforward be managed by its parent company, the Federal Reserve Bank of New York, pending the outcome of debt resolution later in the month.

The United States is unique among Western-style democracies for the ability of its government to shut itself down when unneeded, such as during times of impending civilizational collapse. When asked to comment on the situation, a White House spokeswoman was quoted as saying, "Please try your call again, or ask your operator for assistance."

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MOSCOW—Disappointment was expressed by the Russian capital today, after United States President Obama canceled his September meeting with its own presidential counterpart. This action follows the similar disappointment, felt and duly expressed by Obama, resulting from Moscow's recent granting of temporary asylum to the most wanted object of the US, Edward Snowden. A dispirited Kremlin building, its normally bright exterior taking on a sulky gray cast at being snubbed, stood forlorn as both citizens and visitors instinctively gave it plenty of room in passing. A nearby tour guide attempted to cheer his English-speaking flock by making the quip "Two disappointments do not make an appointment," but the subdued laughter ended a few seconds later as a sudden rain shower drenched the group.

The sun shone upon the Swedish capital of Stockholm, meanwhile, as it was announced that President Obama will pay a visit to that country in place of the canceled Moscow trip. Delighted and festive preparations were already in progress, and it is anticipated that a large gift of information is being readied for the guest and his associates.

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LONDON—Doctors at St. Mary‘s Hospital report that a successful breeding in captivity of Homo regalis britannicus has occurred, resulting in a single viable male offspring. Observers and enthusiasts of the species are hopeful that additional mating products will arise from the same pairing, both individuals of which have the desired youth and physical traits considered important for a healthy and aesthetically pleasing strain.

H. regalis once dominated the inhabited world, but their numbers have dwindled due to loss of habitat and lack of genetic variation. Fearing eventual extinction, royal advisors and other breeding experts recently began a series of social and political experiments, designed to entice some H. regalis individuals into mating with other hominid species including H. sapiens. Careful husbandry is required in order to avoid excessive hybridization, leading to over-robustness and anarchic traits. The ideal result will be the restoration of a thriving, yet controllable, H. regalis population that can be used in future trial off-planet colonization efforts.

Critics of the continued maintenance of living H. regalis members insist that they are merely expensive pets, and too much of a drain on the economies of nations who keep them. Proponents argue that the species actually helps such countries because of the tourism and merchandising income generated by its mere existence. Visitors pump large amounts of money into the owner nations‘ economies in order to view living and breeding habitats of H. regalis, even at a distance and when no individuals can be spotted in the wild. Merchandising especially benefits H. regalis owner nations who maintain at least moderately friendly ties with former colonies, who are the largest consumers of species-themed memorabilia.

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LANSING, MICH.—The city of Detroit filed for Chapter 9 protection Thursday. At an estimated market capitalization of $150 billion, it becomes the largest publicly-owned municipal entity to declare bankruptcy in United States history.

Once the industrial gemstone of the American midwest, Detroit has fallen on extremely hard times since the 2009 restructuring of its parent company, General Motors. It now stands largely vacant.

In response to the filing, Detroit has been temporarily removed from the Dow Jones Municipal Average and replaced by Portland, Oregon. It will continue to trade over-the-counter under the symbol XXXDM.

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SHEREMETYEVO TRANSIT ZONE—A wraithlike being of pasty resemblance to former C.I.A. analyst Edward Snowden appeared briefly Friday before a skeptical gathering of human rights activists, most of whom had long abandoned belief in the 30 year-old traitor’s existence.

“Самотестирование завершено успешно,” the Snowdenesque presence assured attendees. “Я жду входа.”  After expressing its desire for political asylum, preferably in a location reachable by some means of travel, it proceeded to wax lyrical in praise of host country Russia’s principled stand on human rights, at which point it was hastily turned off.

Edward Snowden is wanted by the United States on a variety of vague charges.  His half-immigrated presence remains trapped in metapolitical limbo within a narrow region of Sheremetyevo International Airport, under the watchful eye of Russia’s Federal Security Service.

Friday’s hastily-arranged meeting commenced at 5 P.M. Sheremetyevo Transit Area Time and lasted approximately 43 minutes.  Members of the press and news media were barred from the event, thus ensuring it worldwide attention.

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EXCLUSIVE: US Spy Successfully Infiltrates Moscow Secret Meeting Room

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION—The Encyclopedia Blipvertica News Team has conducted an exclusive interview with an unnamed source in the U.S. Central Intelligence Agency.  This source has agreed to give us some of the real story behind the recent drama surrounding Edward Snowden.

  EB:  Thanks for meeting with us.  There has been a lot of confusing news out there over the Snowden case, and we're happy that you've chosen EB to help clear things up.

  US:  No problem.  Now that things are winding down, we can be more open about what our man was doing out there.

  EB:  So, are you saying that the person going by the name of Edward Snowden is actually still working for the CIA?
 
  US:  That's only one of his cover names, of course.  After this, that name will be retired.  But absolutely—he's one of our best operatives.

  EB:  What can you tell us about what he's been really doing?

  US:  The main mission was in Hong Kong.  He was getting information for us about some of the banks there.  The people he spoke to were very forthcoming, given what he was trading, and what they thought they knew about him at that point.

  EB:  The information that the U.S. was spying on China?

  US:  Come on, you don't think they didn't already know about that?  We threw in a few extra bits that already came out from WikiLeaks early on, because everyone's forgotten about all that stuff by now.

  EB:  How did it come about that he left Hong Kong and went to Russia?  Can you tell us about the whole passport thing and name mixup?

  US:  Hey, the story worked.  We wanted to get him to Sheremetyevo Airport for one more quick mission.  Everyone has been amazingly cooperative with this whole performance.  And all the time they thought they were "getting back" at us. (air quotes, chuckling)

  EB:  Just the airport?  What was he doing there?

  US:  There is a very secret VIP transfer lounge, which we have been trying to get into since before the Cold War ended.  For the first time, we have gotten a look at the place.  It's been a real eye-opener.

  EB:  So you've seen pictures?

  US:  Oh yes, we've been getting them all along.  It's just an Instagram account.  No, we aren't telling you the name yet. (chuckles again)

  EB:  Is he still in the airport?

  US:  Oh, he's long gone from there, now.  Otherwise I wouldn't be telling you what he was doing there.  He's currently taking a short, well-earned vacation before going on to his next job.

  EB:  What about all those journalists and other people camped out there?

  US:  Some of them are working for us.  The rest should really read this and go home.

  EB:  What about PRISM then?  What can you tell us about it?

  US: (laughs) Do you believe that?  Did you think that was really true?  I'm actually flattered; it was a lot of fun making up those slides.

  EB:  So you made them personally?

  US:  Yes!  Well, my team and I did.

  EB:  Wasn't that all a lot of elaborate effort involved for this?

  US:  We have a lot of money, and a lot of time on our hands.

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Hundreds of Voters Converge on Massachusetts Polls

MASSACHUSETTS—Unseasonably mild weather and an incontinence of civic urge combined to propel voters by the dozens to polling places across Massachusetts for Tuesday's special Senate election primary.  The Democratic race pitted the extremely left-leaning Rep. Edward J. Markey against the moderately extremely left-leaning Rep. Stephen F. Lynch.  A handful of Republicans also competed for the opportunity to enjoy a humiliating defeat in the June 25 general contest.

Massachusetts special elections are a triennial event sponsored by the State Elections Division to raise awareness for candidates of below-average electability.

At 8:03 P.M. EDT, Rep. Markey was officially declared the Democratic nominee with a commanding lead of 4,239 votes to Lynch's 2,711 (14% of precincts reporting).  He will face Marathon survivor and former Navy SEAL Gabriel E. Gomez, who amassed an impressive 6,042 Republican votes (87% reporting).

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VATICAN CITY—Pope Benedict XVI⁻ tweeted an oblique farewell to his 1,622,248 followers today and exited the Papal Palace amid cheers and celebration.  His resignation officially takes effect at 8 P.M. Vatican Time (2 P.M. Eastern/1 P.M. Central).

The pope’s decision to retire in this fashion is extremely irregular and carries significant theological and safety concerns.  There is no known procedure for reversing the papal consecration process, which binds heavenly force within the temporal flesh of the host.  The optimal method of resignation by a pope therefore is death, whereupon his mortal remains are interred within a lead-shielded coffin as a precaution against the effects of catholytic decomposition.  The pre-death scenario is decidedly less favorable, and requires the outgoing pontiff, or antipope, to maintain a physical distance of at least 50 meters (164 feet) to risk annihilating with his successor.  This notably occurred in 1294 when Celestine V⁻ and Boniface VIII⁺ inadvertently collided.  The ecclesiovacuum produced by the encounter, called the Great Schism, lasted for two centuries and necessitated the temporary relocation of the papal residence to the city of Avignon, France.
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