Do Not Let The Government Take Charge Of Censor-Ship!
by T. Herman Zweibel, Onion Publisher Emeritus
I am informed by my pathetically subservient Editorial Board that today has been set aside to mark the abomination that is Internette Censor-Ship, an idea that makes me tremble with such indignant jaw-clenching fury that my cast-iron dentures have welded themselves together in rage! How dare any duly elected, appointed, or otherwise acquired set of officials think they have authority over the Internette, whatever the hell that may turn out to be? I may not understand exactly what this "Internette," is, but I am advised by my trembling solicitors that I am not alone in this regard; and furthermore, one does not have to be some rude mechanical sort to understand that speech is the only true freedom and that it must never be constrained by some cowardly and mealy-mouthed perversion of Law.
No, speech must be constrained by wealthy news-paper oligarchs such as my-self! I have been constraining speech with both hands for decades now, and I dare say that no Washington fat-cat could easily outdo me or my fellow fat-cats in terms of censorship! Why, if we allow the Government to play censor, why, then we admit that our system is baseless and corrupt, and like many wealthy news-men who have dedicated themselves to debasing and corruping the system, I have been avoiding that admission for many decades now. So to Hell with the Govern-ment's Censor-Ship! So long as media barons such as I live and breathe, our Nation shall have no need of it!