Long, Angry, Angsty. If you're tired of me complaining, skip it.
Bunch of random threads. I'm tired. Like physically, and mentally tired. 2 days off a week isn't enough. I'm too fat, and it's made me weak, sick, and exhausted. Every fix never lasts. I've been dizzy, and disoriented for 2 days. NOT Sugar. That's fine. It took me 45 minutes to REMEMBER the word "disoriented" yesterday.
Stress. 14 days of uninterrupted work. All last week short handed and covering for folks not in. A trip to the ER for the wife in the middle. A domestic here that required me to sit waiting for a violent break in with a loaded shot gun. Getting dissed by my family so I missed the memorial service for a beloved relative.
Medical stress. My Cardio was very uncooperative about supplying info. Spent 12 hours with no Food/Drink/Caffein on Friday because I couldn't get them to simply TELL me if the appointment I was suppose to be there for was on or not. When I finally got through, I found out it had been rescheduled for next week, at a different facility. I was so hungry, thirsty, and undermedicated by this point I binge ate and made myself sick. It was not a fun day.
Upside to the rescheduled appointment. It will be the full monty, Echo cardiogram and nuclear stress test. Down side, it will cover part of 2 days, 2 UNPAID days. Unless I can convince the HR guy to burn a sick day for this, it will be a painful hit in the wallot.
Pennsic : In short. I DO NOT WANT TO GO. Linda does. very adamantly. IF I could go for a week, I'd be OK with it. Over the course of a week, I could actually relax. We can only go for 4 days. Fr.Sa.Su.Mo
. in the middle. I have no Vacation days left. But that is actually 2 days, because Fr. and Mo. will be spent on set up and tear down, plus driving. We should be saving the time/money for this for the move. But there is SO much more.
I don't LOVE Pennsic anymore. I've been going for 30+ years. I used to go primarily to try and get Laid, Party, hit the merchants, and fight. I don't fight anymore, the merchants have THE SAME shit they have EVERY year, only for MORE money, I don't/can't drink like I used to, and I'm married now. Since the advent of social media, I don't even have the excuse of going to Pennsic to "see" people I only see there. I can chat with most of them any time I want. My age, weight, and health make Pennsic more and more of an ordeal every year. Frankly, I'm kind of ashamed of myself, and don't really want to be around groups of people. ESPECIALLY big groups of people I don't know!! Then there's the drive. It terrifies me. If we loose the van, we are screwed to a degree I can't begin to express. She's an old girl. with A LOT of miles on her. The Problems we had at Pennsic with her last year felt like an Omen or a warning.
I wish to GOD ALL MIGHTY I could find a ride for just Linda.....
Then like all things, there is money. I just had to do something incredibly scary and distasteful. I cashed out our vacation change jar a month early. We usually go a full year, Pennsic to Pennsic. And use that money AT war as spending cash. Prereg caught up to us too fast this year. If we have to prereg, we have to use THAT money. But here's the thing. That change was absolutely THE LAST of anything resembling savings we had. Literally the very last. We have NO emergency money at all now. But wait, it gets worse. There is usually around $250-300 in the jar. There was only about half that. Someone has been hitting it.
That leads to this place. We can't leave yet. We simply have NO OPTION but to stay until the money we are waiting for that we will move on comes in. (I am also terrified to the point of wanting to curl up in a fetal position and die at the prospect of something making that cash NOT appear when we need it) I don't understand how this has happened. We are paying A LOT less in rent than we were at Selden. Bills are about the same. Somehow. we are PROFOUNDLY more broke that we were at Selden. But it's also the living conditions. We NEVER have any privacy. Our Housemates are indifferent to cleanliness. NOTHING will change this. And I'm simply not mentally strong enough to learn to accept this for the 155 remaining days we have left here. The fact that there is at LEAST a light at the end of the tunnel is one of the only things that keeps me from exploding.
But I don't have much hope even for that. The move will make things different, but SO MUCH is going to depend on sheer LUCK, that I have ZERO hope that things will be better.
So, in a few minutes I will begin cleaning the house and doing the dishes. Because seemingly no one else...(Except Linda) gives a shit about it. Because that's how I want to spend my "relaxing weekend" after 14 straight days of work.
We need a real break, we so desperately NEED a real break from this life.