Simply... I'm awesome. In every respect. I was a former spy for the US Government. I was an astronaut, a man, barely alive. But, they rebuilt me. They had the technology. They rebuilt me better... stronger... faster. And they built me a hot girlfriend and a dog, too. I am a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of the innocent, the helpless, the powerless, in a world of criminals who operate above the law and I used to drive a black Pontiac Trans Am that could talk. I boldly went where, well... one person had gone before. I've been a criminal (committed 5 of the 7 Deadly Sins - #3 I did twice) and until recently I was a pimp AND a ho. There are 8 million stories in the naked city, and I am in 4.8 million of them. They are all true. Only the names have been changed, to protect the innocent. I am a Quinn Martin Production. I'm a little bit Denzel Washington, a little bit Ricky Ricardo, a little bit Dale Earnhardt, a little bit John Wayne, a little bit George Clooney, a little bit little Frank Sinatra and just the tiniest bit Rosanne Barr. I'm Batman - I carry things in my belt. I became a Master Chef using just one ingredient - bacon. Sharks have a week dedicated to me. I was a DJ at Studio 54 in NY when I was 4. I gave the Dos Equis "Most Interesting Man in the World" his first job... and I fired him. I found out Annie was OK after she was hit by, she was struck by a Smooth Criminal. I was in the very first televised California car chase and nobody saw it. I am known to do the wop. Also known for the Flintstone Flop. I got jet-set women, who offer me favors, my face is 1000 lip-stick flavors. It's tricky to rock a rhyme, but I got it down on the first day. I did The Mash, The Monster Mash. It was a graveyard smash. Yeah, it's like that, and that's the way it is. I taught Alfonso Ribeiro and John Travolta how to dance and I taught Mr. Miyagi karate. I am what Willis is talkin' 'bout. I know what you did last summer. I killed Kenny because I couldn't understand one fucking word that kid said. Take the fucking hood off, asshole. I'm the Who that Horton heard. I'm the Stig. I'm the droid they were looking for. Not only did I get Jessie's girl, I also got her friend Jenny's phone number (867-5309). They are both bitches. I can see you right now and what you're doing is nasty, especially since you're doing it and reading my profile. I competed in the Olympics and came in 4th in EVERY sport.
A short list of things I'll never do:
never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you.
Actually, if you piss me off, I will do most of those.
You know when you are looking at pictures and there's that one strange person who snuck into the background and ruined the picture? - I paid that guy to do that. Or, it's my wife. She does that (Sorry.) I like NASCAR. Yes, I'm black and I like NASCAR - shut up. Oh, yeah... I'm black. I should have led with that. I was gay for 9 minutes in 1992 and for 6 of those minutes I was a lesbian. Roy Scheider didn't kill Jaws - that was me and it was an accident. In 1984 I set Micheal Jackson's hair on fire during a Pepsi commercial - that wasn't an accident. But I was aiming for Bubbles. I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV. I'm also that 5th dentist who doesn't recommend sugarless gum for my patients who chew gum. I mistakenly invented Daylight Savings Time and the direction "East". I found the survivors from Lost living on Gilligan's Island. I know EXACTLY where both Nemo and Carmen Sandiego are and I'm not telling. I'm the one who took sexy in the first place - stupid Justin Timberlake. Now, I have to hide it again. I wear my sunglasses at night. I ate Gilbert's grape. I told Virginia, "Nope... they lied... there is no Santa Claus". I smacked Chuck Norris right in his face. HARD. I smacked him again when he started to cry about it. I once won an Emmy Award, but gave it back because it clashed on my shelf with my MTV Movie Award for "Best Kiss". I was a Fly Girl on "In Living Color" and when I was younger I was a white guy with red hair. Maybe I should have led with that instead. I thought going black would be an interesting lifestyle choice. Oh... I like to run with scissors. And still Halle Berry won't fucking call me.