My cat becomes obsessed with something on the stairs and starts making that crazy sound they make when they're after something. I finally see her paw something and realize it’s a gecko. It’s trying to get away, but not very fast, so I finish what I’m doing before deciding how to catch the thing. No, that was not me becoming rational about things like this in my house. That was me not wanting to deal with it and hoping it would fly out the window, not that any windows would be open because, well, bugs and things.
By the time I get there, both the thing and the cat are at the bottom of the stairs, and I have yet to fully realize that it was half way up the stairs on its way to my bedroom! I call it a thing because the closer I get, it does not look like a gecko, but rather some strange triangle looking tadpole. I have an alien in my house.
It’s a tail! With a brain! The tail is trying to run away from the cat! I can see where it’s been freshly amputated! Before I dissolve into a mouse running in circles (what to do? what to do? what to do?), my brain says, “Glass!” I run to the kitchen, grab a glass, run back to the living room, and imprison the thing. Yay me! Now what? I proceed to find something flat and thin to slide under the glass so I can move and dispose of it. Uh huh. I’m feeling pretty smart about now.
There is no way I will survive an incident where the thing-tail actually touches me, so it takes me at least five minutes to figure out how to now pick up the glass with the paper underneath. I carefully start pulling up and folding the paper all around the glass, as if I’m doing my best Christmas wrapping ever. My hand cannot possibly be on the bottom to hold the paper in place because I might feel the movement from the thing-tail. I strategically place fingers to hold all the perfect folds in place, take a breath, and we have lift off. Quickly, quickly, carefully, quickly I climb the stairs and we arrive at the porcelain palace. I am so proud as I flush, then immediately regret it. Not only do I have to look for spiders, but now I have to worry about the alien thing-tail swimming back up for air at the most inopportune time.
As I go back down to the kitchen and contemplate if I even want to keep said glass, I realize that this is far from over. There is an owner of thing-tail, and at one point he was halfway up the stairs. I feel myself slipping into denial as I go back upstairs to finish getting ready, but the idea that darkness will come at some point makes me go back. The cat is pawing at something on the fireplace. Rejoice! It is downstairs! I resign to lose two glasses today.
By now it’s hiding under my bags of lighting equipment, and I have a flash of horror. Please let them be zipped shut! What to do? What to do? What to do? Quick as a flash, I move the bags and slam down the glass. Big, huge sigh of relief. Even though I previously worked out the “slide something underneath” problem, now we’re on carpet, and alien-owner is much bigger than the thing-tail. With the cat threatening to knock over the glass and release the prisoner, I must think quickly. I start sliding the glass across the carpet, keeping alien-owner inside, except for the few times his feet poked out. Eeeeeeek!
Back on the tile floor, I’m ready to reenact Operation Christmas Wrapping, but it’s much harder because he’s bigger and weighs more. I start slipping into mouse mode, but I plow through. I know that the porcelain palace would shut down forever if I flush, and it suddenly occurs to me that freedom would be the best gift. And look! It’s already wrapped!
I take the biggest breath yet, open the door, and toss him into the yard.
Welcome to my world.