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Håkon Nordheim
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Anyone know any good sources on running mazes in a dnd game? Describing an unending amount of intersections and expecting the players to map them sounds pretty boring, but "roll int to find the right path"sounds more boring.
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Drank many beers, drew Orchus. Good night.
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In memory of Yolande and crew.

She ended her last voyage just outside the Sea Kings Hand, her deck ablaze and full of the undead remains of her former crew. We mourn Zebon the great, finest fiddler of the seas, his tune ending amid a sea of shambling dead. We remember Yana and Keela, holding the harpy hags at bay with their last raging breaths. We regret the loss of out newest hires, Shinoda and Boc, who proved their mettle just in time to be bludgeoned to death in the line of duty. And last but not least, we pray for the safe return of the crews only survivor, Nibbly Black-eyes the Douche, who escaped in the dingy just before our beautiful ship went up in flames.

But yeah, we really fucked up today.
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Goblin hydra riders.

Take a hydra. Stick a goblin on top of each head. Season to taste. Doesn't have to be goblins but it's my campaign so there.

Thinking about whether to run them as crappy insane goblins desperately trying to wrangle the beast in the right direction, or as elite cavalry with harnesses and lances and stuff.

The crappy variant would be pure chaos, hydra heads constantly confused and attacking everything including the goblins, goblins rolling around each time the hydra loses a head, jumping aboard each time it grows new ones.

The non-crappy one would be an engine of destruction, with goblins protecting the heads with their shields while delivering devastating joust-bite attacks and being all coordinated. They would probably have extra lances and reserve riders to spring into action when the hydra grows new heads.

The party is only level 3 but we are playing a hacked 5E and the PCs can take a hideous beating.
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5e god/domain:

Sky of stone, the screaming spear, the walking mountain
God of strength, war and elephants
Holy symbol: an elephants head, clerics who wear elephant helmets or masks can use them as spellcasting foci

Spells
Lvl 1 thunderwave, heroism
Lvl 3 shatter, enhance ability
Lvl 5 fear, protection from energy
Lvl 7 stoneskin, freedom of movement
Lvl 9 hold monster, cloudkill

Lvl 1: proficiency with animal handling, heavy armor and all kinds of hammers and spears. Advantage on strength checks to push people and things around and strength saves and checks to avoid being pushed around or grappled.

Lvl 2: channel divinity - unstoppable
Nothing can halt the might of the elephant. Use a channel as part of you move. Anyone who takes opportunity attacks against you this turn, tries to physically stop your advance or is hit by your attacks must make a strength save or be pushed to the ground.

Lvl 6: trample.
When you or a friendly elephant successfully pushes someone away or to the ground you can use your bonus action to melee attack them or cast a spell that targets only them if they're still within reach.

Lvl 8: you get an animal companion like a ranger, but it can only be an elephant. You should be riding it. If your setting has mammots or other titanic elephant creatures you can get one at lvl 14.

Lvl 17: elephant avatar
You can become an elephant-god-person hybrid as an action. Gray, leathery skin gives resistance to slashing, piercing and bludgeoning damage. If you're wearing an elephant mask it becomes your face. Tusks give an extra attack(1d8 + str piercing) as long as you move 10ft first. Trunk gives advantage on grappling, and intimidation if you make trumpet sounds with it. If you're not wearing a mask then what the hell are you doing? Elephants that can see you will fight for you and are affected as by a heroism spell. Ten minutes concentration. Long rest blah blah.
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D&D5e subrace: Gourmet elves

Pale, red or brown hair, dress in leather, fur and feathers, sharpen their teeth into fangs. They live in trees and climb like monkeys. They are excellent at working with skin, horn and bone, but suck at woodcrafting and metalwork. They trade fine composite bows and leathers for metal weapons and tools, but distrust metal armor and large wooden crafts. They decorate everything.
Gourmet elves have a strong culinary tradition. They are carnivorous and have no problem digensting raw meat, but they might cook their food or add some plant matter for zest. They love trying out new foods (species) and are often on the lookout for new recipies. Beholder eye with griffon egg omelette. Displacier beast sausage. People pie? Not necessarily stupid though, they won't try to eat you unless they're desperate (or think they can get away with it).

Abilities: +1 constitution
Proficiencies: short and longbows, cooking utensils, double prof bonus to climbing
Special: gourmet elves have a bite attack that deals 1d4 + strength mod damage. At level 6 they can take this attack as a bonus action after a normal attack.
Gourmet elves can recognise species and specific individuals by taste. Enemies can disguise their taste with perfume, spices, bathing in goblin blood etc.
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Sometimes when I need a monster and I'm feeling lazy I just roll on the LOTFP summoning table.
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Ran Stonehell in LOTFP last night. New player enters, never played an RPG in his life. Rolls a fighter, can't afford armor but rolls on the random starting item table and gets drugs. Clearly someone in need of quick cash. Shoots a bunch of hobgoblins in the face, throws a torch and bullseyes their firebomb stash, purposefully steps onto a trapped floor section to get a better shot at the cannibals trying to eat the dwarf, revives unconcious dwarf with the power of amphetamines and very nearly drinks cyanide. Entered Stonehell broke, left with 1760 sp and a spanking new suit of chainmail.
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Please RE-SHARE RE-SHARE RE-SHARE and co-sign my permission is granted to put this on blogs, forums etc
(I'm sick in bed, so Zak wrote the following):
This is a notice that any and all individuals who endorsed, contributed to, or passed on (via tweet, Google+, blog, Tumblr etc), the Tom Hatfield Fail Forward article (July 31, 2014) about me  (which contains multiple assertions that are provably inaccurate and defamatory*) with positive or no comment was, by malice or negligence, harassing or contributing to harassment of both Mandy Morbid and I (especially considering Mandy was in a hospital being hooked up to a feeding tube at the time). The same goes for anyone endorsing or passing on any of the false and defamatory assertions in it.
This means that if anyone who contributed to this harassment is ever employed by WOTC in any way for any fashion, WOTC and everyone else should consider this a harassment complaint against them. This also goes for anyone working at the  +Pathfinder Roleplaying Game  .
Hiring any of these individuals will be considered to be ignoring charges of harassment against an LGBT disabled immigrant individual and her primary caregiver during a vulnerable time and hiring a known harasser .
This notice is in effect against every single individual who endorsed the article until such time as they publicly apologize and let me know they've done so.
+Mike Mearls  +Greg Bilsland  +Dungeons & Dragons +Dungeons & Dragons Online 
I ask any other members of the community who have witnessed this harassment to co sign this letter by hitting +1 or commenting below.
-Zachary Z Smith

--------
*
http://www.dndwithpornstars.blogspot.com/2014/08/how-dungeons-and-dragons-is-totally-not.html
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Tech priest of Mars.
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