until I allign myself with my heart and soul I think I need to be sober and deal with the boredom straight... so after today nothing im even desperate to give up smoking ciggarettes too... ughh deep breaths and meditation and positive affirmations to fill the hole and void... ive already started the positive affirmation to attract dear lukey.. I keep saying over and over in my head.. lukey loves me as much as I love her and that lukey understands how and why I love her.. ive said it in my head for hours.. it was recommended to say it to myself thousands of times a day.. also letting go of attachment and desperation to be with her.. I read and posted the steps in a previous post.. straight away after reading the steps I already felt better.. it explains how desire can turn into desperation of wanting to be with that special person.. it also explains about how some people when they let go and reevaluate the sitiation the reasons for wanting to be with someone is it truly out of love or desperation for a conquest.. I never really thought about lukey as being a conquest though.. no not really.. I can honestly say its love compassion empathy and understanding .. oh my spirits have been lifted since I read these steps to manifesting lukey into my reality... I can honestly say I was desperate to be with her.. but I never really visualised or told myself that she loves me too far out I didnt have verry high expectations.. I find it hard to imagine and visualise her actually loving me back infinitely the way I love her.. its a big ask.. a higher dimensional and intelligent connection.. psychic.. like I love her so much that I would invite her into my mind to read my thoughts and memories to really know and understand me on a psychic level without barriers.. I know it would be hard for lukey to feel and want to do the same for me it was hard coming to that decision in my head.. but I want a propper spiritual connection and relationship one that lasts our lifetimes and even a connection after death of this world.. and if that means becomming mentally spiritually naked to her than that is what I must be able to offer her 100% honesty trust.. just giving my entire being to her and committing myself to the promise.. I could have fallen for anyone like my past relationships that failed.. but then I met lukey I know that she is my compatiable one.. I can feel it and do crave her except I am not going to live in depression and desperation of being in a relationship with her.. I will keep telling myself that she does love me back as much as I love her even though thats heaps .. it even says to visualise making love to her however my first natural visualization was me and her sitting together talking and she actually put her hand on my leg in an affectionate way.. I think affection like kisses cuddles back rubs and tickles and holding hands are more important than sexual visualizations.. although I can visualise us sitting on a bed naked practicing tantric excersizes.. like staring into each others eyes for hours upon end and placing each others hand on each others chest to feel our hearts beating.. just sensual touching .. not so much genital stimulation but spiritual connection first.. I can visualise playing with her hair too.. just nice cute warm affection.. I have a shit ton of affection to give and now im actually visualising what it would be like for lukey to be as affectionate to me and to love me as much as I love her.. woah its a big commitment what im visialising and desiring.. but only now am I starting to understand and feel good and positive about her loving me back after reading where I was going wrong .. desperation actually repels the situation from happening but desire positive desire can attract.. also learning to love myself too.. dear me how can I expect lukey to love me if I dont even like me.. so im working on self help growth and development of who I am as a person.. yeh.. meeting lukey and desiring to be with her has sent me on a massive journey inside my heart to allign with my desire.. and I dont want to be with her as a conquest or for selfish motives either.. I would just like a kind caring adorable best friend and lover whom we can heal our wounds and scars and also grow spiritually together and experience life together.. companionship .. I know lukey is the one as she has inspired me soo much she'd only understand fully if we tapped into each others minds like that psychic connection I was talking about.. it would be so cool to interconnect with her.. no lies and no secrets kept from one another just purity and honesty.. lol .. if we did interface like that I'd love to see lukey be able to play the drums and bass like me.. an instant information upload.. she would also awaken from the knowledge and experience I could share with her via direct psychic interface... and I wonder what she would be able to show and teach me too.. well she already taught me empathy from meeting her at harrys ten years ago.. so small fragile and something was terribly wrong and troubling her and I didn't make matters better for her either.. she taught me how to seriously take other peoples feelings into account and make the conscious effort not to hurt or upset anyone like that again.. her motivation has also helped me explore how much I could possibly love .. and what it exactly means to love.. oh then the next year when I met her I was really attracted to her in a lover type way.. just the way she ran over to me stood on a railway sleeper so she appeared taller and before we shook hands she appologised for having wet hands.. thats what really got my attention coz whenever id meet someone new anf have to shake their hand I would appologise that my hands where wet due to sweating from severe anxiety.. and just the natural way we both looked into each others eyes.. I saw her pupils dialate while we were staring at each others eyes.. this wasn't just looking into her eyes this was gazing deep into them I nearly got lost in her ocean of blue.. I still can see her eyes the memory is just so clear of that meeting and introduction.. then when we walked away we didn't turn our backs on each other we kind off back away still staring at each other like what the fuck just happened.. oh man.. its just perfect as far as im concerned.. I told yvonne and bubbles I liked her and yvonne said to me.. you know she is still at school.. she also said that lukey was always much different from the rest of that family and yvonne also told me that her first pet was a ferret.. how adorable.. then harry encouraged me to persue her after he got wind of me saying how attracted to her I was.. in his subtle ways he encouraged and inspired this whole journey of love and learning how and to understand what real love is.. I just have to learn to let go of attachment and desperation though but sometimes its just so hard when you havent seen them for nine years and they're the only thing you want that you feel will mend your soul and make you feel okay.. so I do get desperate at times you can feel this weird energy in your guts when it starts to happen then I get terribly depressed for days because I cant see her or be with her and she seems to not want to know me I guess I should stop feeling hurt and keep telling myself if she met me again she would deffinately take a fancy to me to.. I dont have a career or a job or any material possessions in other words superficial things to impress but my time spent unemployed hasn't been entirely wasted. Ive researched alot of things and have some awesome knowledge I would be willing to share with her.. I wouldn't mind working either as long as it was a wholesome fulfilling job like helping to heal people with alternative medicines.. building eco sustainable housing communities.. I would be so keen to volunteer in third world countries building housing and helping put permaculture gardens in.. even volunteer for aboriginal communities... however the world must change dramatically a new social structure based on equality and providing basic human rights to everyone.. id like to work as part of a team or for a proactive organization where we mentor each other and id like to work along side lukey.. hell when we do finally get together maybe we could also be love and relationship counsellors too.. I do have hopes dreams and aspirations I dont really enjoy being unemployed all that much but like I said I want a meaningful proactive job set within a entirely new social structure.. mentors instead of cranky power tripping bosses.. equality and mutual respect for each other.. so yeh.. researching how to manifest lukey into my reality and reading has really given me a whole new outlook and guide to follow.. since I started telling myself that lukey loves me as much as I love her I can already feel a positive energetic shift within... out with attachment and desperation.. hmm its going to be absolutely mind blowing when this all happens... but I know she is the one.. you know when you just know.. and really we are lucky to have crossed paths and she's lucky I desired to be with her and fell in love with her the way I did... I really cant wait because everything about us will be absolutely perfect in every little way.. ohh the love of my life.. I regret being with anyone else too although they've taught me who and what I don't want.. but yeh I feel lukey and my heart tells me that she is the real thing... plus she is the most physically attractive person ive ever seen in my life.. so thats kind of a bonus.. oh imagine when I can actually see her again in the flesh and be able to look into those magical eyes again.... oh oh oh warm fuzzy feelings.. there is hope ♡☆♡
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