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I'm Not Sad Now
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I'm Not Sad Now

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Revised Card to be sent off this year. 
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This year's Christmas card to my sweet and all her kin!
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Oh, and for the record, that relative in the store where I bought her gift was her FATHER!
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I have received an opportunity to continue our narrative, albeit not as I would have liked.  But this is yet another illustration of what a true and loving relationship entails, an ability to help each other through the bad times as well as the good.  Here the bad is not about me or her but rather her grandfather.  I have learned that as of last week  this person has become quite ill.  He is currently being treated in a hospital where her mother was raised (near Sioux Falls) I learned this unfortunate news by inadvertently logging on to an older social media site that I am not currently using. I sense the Good Lord's hand in that debacle. That being said I have already mailed the best get-well card I could find that me and my boy both signed.  I also asked a friend I saw at work today to extend his prayers and those of his congregation for this gentlemen.  Remember this is someone I have never met; I have no idea what kind of person he is, what are his hobbies, what his occupation is, or even what he looks like. But I realize how important he is to her family and to mine as well.  This is one of 4 VERY special reasons that my sweetheart exists; it is in part because of him that we met and fell in love.  He is responsible for that and as such I feel a strong sense of responsibility towards him.  I want to be there for the family, pray for them, and offer them unconditional support during this difficult moment.  With that I offer #64 to Him to brings healing and joy to a weary nation, who has sent His only Son to suffer and die for what we deserve. By grace He has made us His own once again and by faith we take hold of his Promise.  Whatever the temporal outcome of this great man, may he look ultimately to the promise of Life everlasting. 
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Saw her ever so briefly this morning, if only for a few seconds. First time since late July!
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Giving thanks to the Lord by offering these flowers to adorn the alter.  It was 2 years ago today that I heard those words for the very first time:  "I Love You!"
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I can't be 100% sure but I think I had THREE dreams about her this morning.  If that is indeed what happened it would be a first for me.
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Since our story last aired, I have come to take the recent events not as a setback to our consumation but instead as an opportunity to prove to the world, and perhaps also to myself, that I am worthy of what I construe as a second chance at lifelong love, a life filled with wonder and adventure. Her relative's invitation as a friend to my social media site is a testament that she is paying attention to what I write, that she knows, or at least suspect (including how we act when we are together) is related to her beloved kinsperson and me. About 6 weeks ago she has subtly expressed this "paranoia" as she calls it, to a friend on her site, who has assured her it is not what she thinks (this friend may in some way be a valuable ally for me as the clouds of life continue to roll along as the time has not yet come for it to be revealed). I understand I need to make the most of this purported opportunity, the 4 plus years until the 40 year trek approaches it conclusion. At my place of work I have become more productive and attentive; at home I am altering my demeanor towards my son so that I offer more constructive advice when he needs guidance (although this in itself remains a substantial challenge). I am giving my sweet more space over the Summer as I have already alluded. I am attepting to alter and improve my lifestyle. I am working to apply the adage that "Love is Patient". I will fail from time to time, as has already happened; I will continue to be tempted away from her to admit defeat, I will undoubtedly continue to experience anxious moments with those who surround her. Through all of this I need to keep the faith, remain steadfast, and advise those that while I understand their concern, this courtship is not of ourselves, it is a gracious gift bestowed upon us as we both have been in need. Let this be a testament that like #67, I am indeed ready to take a chance again!
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VcEKPAKuvgU&feature=share

For all the talk of me and her over the years on this thread, I have not mentioned one young man without whom much of the magic between her and me might NEVER have happened.. I don't know if I alluded to this story in past posts, but I will here again. She was slated to visit us one evening when the weather was someone treacherous. The roads were quite ice and she had phone saying she didn't feel comfortable driving to our house. Upon hearing this from my boy I was devastated. I just braced myself on the kitchen counter thinking over and over how could she do this to me in my hour of need, when I needed to be with her. Well, for whatever reason, my valiant son got on the phone and said that we could pick her (and some of her kin) up ourselves since he and I both knew I could handle the adverse road conditions. So we went and got them and he hung with some of them and I nestled with her watching a few of her favorite TV programs. You can imagine my relief, happiness and immense gratitude for that night. He alone made it possible. It was the best gift he ever gave me. Just like that night and like #74, I long to be close to her once more! 

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First off, I went and got her a 2017 Valentine's Day card and as usual it didn't take long to find just the right one. I am immensely glad that the weather was such that I didn't run into her mother at the store where I was buying the card for her the same way I ran into her father 2 weeks ago when I decided to finally get her long overdue Christmas present 2 weeks ago!!! The New Year begins with me not seeing her as of now, but I have made a conscious effort to stay close to her family, so I saw her brother and father last Saturday for a bowling league rendezvous and afterwards my son and his son (her brother) and me spent time together and that was enough to get my spirits soaring. After all who would go out to Topper's pizza (for 2 free big ones complements of a few free cards from Connor) and then on to Wal-Mart BOTH at Midnight, and only after me working for 6 hours at Valentino's. My focus this year is to put my own BEST efforts forth to preserving this courtship as my son was singlehandedly responsible for making this whole thing possible, while she is credited with solidifying it's fate in the annals of human history. Now I am charged with perpetuating it as long as the Good Lord shall allow. Do you want to know as #61 suggests??? I am sorry but you all will have to wait a little bit longer!
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As I have already said, it isn't enough to love her, I need to love her whole family!
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Got to see her again last Thursday and it was the absolute most I could have asked for under the present circumstances. I almost decided not to go and I would have regretted that for life. This was the first time since late July I saw her face, and how beautiful she still looks to me! I took extra special time to get ready for her latest musical performance: New clothes, wing-tip shoes, an awesome leather jacket that my folks got me, some cologne to boot. It was a wonderful winterland out there, everything so perfect except her presence with me. I arrived early as usual and shortly before she went on I saw her with the other performers. Strange that she was looking around the audience as if searching for someone, because it was unlikely that she knew anyone in that audience.... except me (she knows I come to these). I believe she did see me and smiled, mouthing to her colleague: "oh my gawsh!". I took this as an extra special sign of the evening as I was only planning on setting eyes upon her. I didn't stay afterwards, not wanting to overplay my hand as things have been a bit awkward lately (many folks I believe are still coming to grips with this). But I was smiling all the way home, singing the "tonight, tonight... part of West Side Story as it contained that magical line: "I'll see my love tonight....". I shared this with my friends on social media when I returned home & they were very happy for me that I got what I wanted most for Christmas. The day before I even had an elderly gentlemen at one of our new churches ask if he could pray for me (since he has been through something very similar) and I think the Lord heard his prayer and granted it in part. And if this wasn't enough, tonight I go buy a present for her that I promised to give last year and figuring I won't see her or her kin at that hour I go in the candy store and who is there??? Yup one of her relatives!! Initially I was prepared to bolt, but then when I saw his demeanor I knew I could relax and talk with him. I expressed condolences at her grandfather's passing last November and discussed usuals like job benefits, vacation schedule, nothing too deep (like telling him I love her!). Then she came back from the bookstore; I quickly waved my hand in front of her to say hi and to tease her a bit (she just got new glasses) and they were off. I didn't want to push it; I think she tends to be quite reserved around him when it comes to me, so I let it go at that. I wanted to comment on her music performance, but thought it wasn't quite the right time; I wanted to give her that confectionary gift, but was scared to do it with him there. I folded a bit. But I am thankful for the time. Merry Christmas my sweetest!!! To you & yours. As #62 goes "the love bells shall ring out for YOU and ME!!
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Once again I owe this encounter to my little guy. Had he not asked me to pick him up from his friend's house so late, I might never have decided to visit the Mall yesterday.
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Tidbits my fellow citizens.  That's all I have to offer at this time since I last saw her at the county fair in late July.  First, off by some superhighway activity, I actually managed to find her uncle's obituary from January of 2012.  This was about the time that she began to sincerely connect with me, a sincere fondness that continued almost unabated for the next 2.5 years.  I plan to visit where her relatives are from next year and will pay my respects at her uncle's burial site.  Second on the list is I regret to say that from what I learned yesterday that her grandfather has passed away.  I don't have any details yet but I hope to visit his resting place also.  I hope to send a card of condolence sometime this week.  3rd up I ran into one of her former music mentors at a conference two weeks ago and had the chance to talk a bit about her openly.  I have never such an opportunity before.  I will add this keepsake to the others which I hope to one day give to her either directly or via a trusted friend.  4th in line was the face that we had to pick up a buddy of ours at her church TWICE since I got that unnerving request from my other friend about her and me. I think this might be God's way of keeping some kind of a connection with her church, even if only a weak, infrequent one. And perhaps most profoundly, you may remember that one of her relatives had found my social media site and subsequently asked to be friends (BTW her comment, the one I avoided looking at for so long was "you have found someone?").  Well, I think that site was a little too much about us and thus created some  undue and ill-advised anxiety.  So I decided to suspend it (at least for now).  I started up a new site on the same area and just last week she AGAIN managed to find her way to it.  She appreciated a link I provided about how to handled difficult/sensitive conversations.  I don't know whether to be happy or nervous about this event because things may be getting a bit close too soon; but this certainly is the extent I have gotten to my sweet during all this time.  I believe I have underestimated her relative's penchant for detail and investigative prowless.  It may even come to mirror my own.  All of these moments are just like #63 with a box that contains not only memories that she answered, but a hopeful and prosperous future for us and ours. 
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I am also sad to confirm that her grandfather passed away on Tuesday.
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Another expected, yet perhaps premature development towards June of 2021. Almost like the world has intervened to keep what we have alive and moving. I mean some of the events surrounding these past 5 weeks: lot's of bad weather (very atypical amount of rain for this area in August), many different activities that have occupied my time, almost as a way of passing time until things settle. These include all day outings with our friends on 3 occassions, my son taking his first plane ride for free, me teaching my first adult Bible class, a church that I wanted to join lost it's pastor to another parish in WI, using my new boat. But what is odd is that I believe one of my close friends has caught on to the object of some of my posts on another site and wanted to talk to me, claiming it was important. I said that is wasn't a good time now (and that is in part true); the minute I got that message, I knew that it was another one of those "sensitive meetings" and I am all too familiar with these; I have had enough of those. Normally I would somehow muscle up the ability to attend such a meeting and just like always the Good Lord would be there to get me through it. But this time I declined. I saw that he sent a reply to my reply but I didn't read it. I have not idea what the reply was, but I knew this time I had to "run" if you will. It is too early for the truth to come out and beside this I was fearful that this meeting would change how I feel about her. And that I could not have. The first two weeks after I received his initial message, I was losing my feelings for her; thankfully they have now returned. What's also interesting is that several prior meetings (where this may have been the topic) as well as perhaps the aforementioned undesired meeting did not commence for whatever reason. This brings me to an important point. For far too long people have been part of the problem or have amplified it; the emphasis now must be on being part of the solution and that is what I will impress on society from here on out (i.e. for the remainder of my life). So that is where I stand at the moment. But let me be clear: nothing has changed. I still love her everyday, I still thank God for her everyday, I still long to see her everyday. I still save her a place at the Lord's Table every Sunday. I hold out hope everyday. Yes as #65 says I have seen the rain, but also the sky as the clouds roll by.
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For those of you who don't know, June 2021 marks 40 years for me in the "Wilderness" after which I hope to enter the "Promised Land" with the girl I love so much.
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Given enough time all will be well again.  Even though I lacked faith, I was graciously granted another blessing.  That is how the last day I attended the county fair could be categorized.  My son and I spent some time with a close friend on Thursday, checking out the animal exhibits and making arrangements for my boy to dogsit for our friend.  As we made our departure, I looked up in sadness at the ferris wheel in the early hours of the evening.  I thought I would not be seeing her at the fair this year; there had been no communication for a get together, this due in large part to give them some space after all that has happened.  The next day I continued on with usual business.  But then decided to check up on the boy before finishing up work at my first job and heading out to my second.  When I arrived home I found a note that he went with our friends to the fair. As you can imagine I didn't waste a second, and seeing a wonderful opportunity I bolted out the door to the car, drove to the fair looking for a place to park, just about anyplace.  I was running the best I could to get to the grounds and find her before I had to head back to business.  It didn't take too long to succeed.  It was exhilarating to just lay eyes on her again;  we talked a bit sort of made some contact.  I also had the privledge of holding her purse/glasses while she went on some of the rides, her kin happily noticing this continued trend.  I also introduced her to my long time credit card (one I have had since 1989).  She seemed intrigued by its existence and I told her "not yet" when she seemed to develop a bond with Mr Citibank Master.  They also tried to delay their trip to SD to attend an evening Harry Potter event with us today, but couldn't make it.  So I sensed everything is still very well, I didn't feel afraid or apprehensive around them.  I spoke with just about all her kin that day.  In sum I remain hopeful and very happy.  Just like Sleepy Jean's sweetheart in #66, I too am a daydream believer!
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What a world of wonder I woke up to today.  One that had to happen sooner or later and in this case either one would suffice. This is likely one critical milestone that will allow our courtship to not only remain but also to thrive, allowing an inseparable bond to grow stronger and stronger, one that can now only be broken through death.  I had already mentioned her relative was following me on my other site and had made a comment on a link I obtained from "Relationship Goals";  this is the comment  I feared to read and I still do.  I was comforted (nay, nearly brought to tears) that today she asked of me this friendship request.  I know this has not been an easy thing for her to take in judging by her demeanor on Tuesday.  Given this rare blessing, I immediately accepted without any worries. I will check back in a bit to see what has progressed since this morning.  I have been trying over the last few months to truly express myself towards her kin using this site,  I am trying now to tell the story without any secrecy.  I think what I have posted one this other site has been deemed genuine and passionate by her family; perhaps I have found even more favor with them, that I really love her and  will do whatever is needed to keep her safe and happy.  I believe they know that I have always treated their kin like a princess; her well being is as important as it is for my own children.  Is her relative given me that special once in a lifetime chance at what I have waited 35 years for?  Could she be like #68: my "Angel of the Morning"??  With that friendship invite I am inclined to say the answer is YES.
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A Man in Love.
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The times we have had together are ours forever; no one can take those away not matter how they feel about us!
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