Wanna know what I hate? Poets. Wanna know why? Erotic poetry.
Because most of the happy horseshit passed off as erotic poetry is nothing more than lists of body parts and what they intend to do with them, interspersed with endless repetitions of the word “love”, “love”, “love”, as if it actually meant something.
That’s not sexy, that’s lazy. If you cannot write a poem without using the word “love”, you’re not a poet, you’re a greeting card salesman. And I’m not loving it.
I’m here to take “I love you” back, so when I say it, it won’t be some vague, erotic bullshit. No, when I say “I love you”, I mean that as long as I’m around, you will always have someone to take you to the airport. That is sexy. You will always have someone to help you move your heavy-ass couch up three flights of narrow apartment complex stairs. And you will always have someone to hold your hair back out of your face while you regurgitate margaritas into the bathtub. And I know it’s the bathtub and not the toilet because you think sticking your head into the toilet is nasty. And I know this, not because I love you and this knowledge has magically seeped into my brain through love osmosis. No. It’s because I fucking pay attention!
You wanna know what sexy is? I will go to the corner store at three in the morning in the rain on my bicycle to buy you tampons. And I will remember to get you the pint of chunky monkey you didn’t even ask for, because I know you like ice cream when your cramps are bad. And I know this because I’ve got your back, and by that I mean the little space between your shoulder blades you can never reach when it itches really bad. I fucking got that!
When I want you to know I love you, I won’t waste money on flowers. “Oh look, honey. Here’s something beautiful you can watch DIE.” No. I will sneak over to your apartment when you’re at work and clean your kitchen. That is sexy!
And, I will never allow our arguments to become fights, because I will spend my time listening rather than simply waiting for my turn to talk. More time giving you the benefit of the doubt rather than picking at old wounds to score points. More time learning from my mistakes, and not repeatedly apologizing for them.
It’s easy to love you when we are so beautiful, but I will love you even when things get really fucking ugly. I will love you even when I fucking hate you.
And should the time come when it’s time to move on, I will let go. And when you introduce me to your new boyfriend, I will tell you, “He seems like a nice guy. I’m happy for you.” Even though your name is tattooed on the centre of my chest, so that no matter how hard someone presses their body against mine, you will always be closer to my heart. And I mean that metaphorically ‘cause I ain’t getting a fucking tattoo.
When I say I love you, I fucking mean it.
— Big Poppa E
Please feel free to share this status around, you never know who might see it!
- University of TeessideInterior design and architecture, 2001 - 2005
- Bede Collage, BillinghamArt, Physics, Math & mechanics, 1999 - 2001
- St Michaels School, BillinghamSecondary education, 1994 - 1999
- St Josephs, BillinghamPrimary education, 1994
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