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Paul O'Neil
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Think my 20 month old daughter wants to be a Maori warrior. She's shouting, sticking her tongue out and squatting up and down. 

Lying in bed wondering how the hell have I developed fleshy tits. 

Just had another cracking facial off the wife, now I look 5 years that's 21 then ;) Could've nodded off it was that relaxing. 

50 Shades of Chav:
As i saw him walking towards me with his pasty white arms hangin out of his lonsdale vest his socks tucked in his trackies, commin out of the job centre. I felt a warm sensation runnin down my legs soakin my pyjama bottoms which i had been wearin all day leavin a tell tale sign in the crotch. I didnt mind they were goin in the wash in a few days time any way. That evening i cooked him his fave tea pot noodle and a Greggs pasty. As we sat down to watch the repeat of jezza kyle, i smelt that sweet smell that always turned me on, weed, B.O and lynx Africa. As i looked at him wanting him and yearnin for him, he spoke them immortal words i loved to hear "Who you lookin at ya daft cow?". I knew right there nd then i wanted 4 kids with him straight afta 1 nd other. They would be called Beyonce, Usher, Eminem and Kerry - Katona. As he laid on the settee burpin nd fartin. I knew i was in love (via Sheryl Mccoy)

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Can't wait to get it on Wednesday!

Off for 11 days. Lovely jubbly. 

My humblest apologies Google + I keep forgetting you. Wish their was an app to incorporate twitter,Facebook and this. 

I think a small animal has crawled into the little ones nappy and started to decompose. That is one violent assault on the nostrils. 

Going shopping to the Metrocentre. Must be bloody mad. Hope their are no slow people or they're getting knocked over. Man on a Christmas mission. 

Just looked at my spam folder. Have about 20 emails from Best Penis. Reckon I'll delete them as am more than happy with the one I've got. 
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