unforeseen cost, thats that then, no more gentse feesten, bye bye summer
rotten op een kamertje , net als in de bak
maar dan met opendeurdag
in een achtergat
FUCK THIS SHIT
Im more hollow than a lvl 1 dark souls toon...
A new nursery rhyme brewed in my head on the way to the statipn. Sounds better when im humming it and probably even more accompanied ny a melancholic an pierle accordeon.
Goes the clock
Round and round
Round and round
Another day of life again
Down the drain
Down the drain
Never to come back again
Lost forever in this hole
The hell that stole my soul
(little accordeon solo)
No more fire in my eyes
All i hear around is lies
People are like ghosts to me but
What i fear the most is me
The monster they created deep
Deep, deep down inside of me
finally something in belgium worth coming out for. I dont feel like it but i drag myself out cos another 24 hours straight in this house will surely be the end of me.
I shower i shave i get to the train.
Come to think of it, i havent felt like anything for years now.
One stop down, the most beautiful girl comes sit in front of me. Skinny, makeupmodel face (a face to wake up to as they say), long shiny hair. Pretty smile flashing white teeth.
The works. Looks sixteen, but is actually a nineteen yo uni student pol & soc. Perfect, ...
if i didnt live in salems pines. The conversation hits off right away. All these things i should have, social anxiety, awkwardness, shy ... none of that, even after years in salems pines, after months of barely leaving the house. Its just like hi and the flows still there. Never had that, dont have it now.
Im not the type to harass or make smutty remarks to girls i dont know (yes bedside is another matter but i dont remember that its too long ago)
So we talk about this and that, until we both get off in gent. Me to the center, she to her dorm, straight from holiday back to the city.
The city ... i notice, as always, the skin changes over the months and years, but the city remains the same.
I keep my sunglasses on to hide the void behind my eyes. I think it scares people. Those eyes used to flare like quasars, looking straight into the future. Now all they see is a big, gaping black hole, a dark void where fun does not exist. Courtesy of salems pines. Keep the glasses on so you dont drain peoples soul, caT.
Where is my life ? I dont know i was on the verge of getting it back and suddenly before i realized what happened i found myself here. Everything i worked for for years gone. Social life ... gone ... lovelife ... gone ... sexlife ... gone.
I trot the city streets, people everywhere, laughing children, drinking comrades. Street performers.
I feel ...
the void behind my eyes seems to have spread into my heart, but the darkness in the heart springs from the place where it was born.
Wrong day to come anyway. The crowd is not too fat. Nothing enthusiastic. I guess ill have to go back later this week. If i can drag this sorry heap of undead flesh and bones powered by the ghost that was a supernova soul out of house rose white that is.
The house itself as always whispers ... "stay a while ... stay FOREVER" ... poltergeists, there must be a prehistoric burial ground under this hill somewhere.
I have become void, destroyer of worlds to bee, where there was a future there is nothing but shadows and whispers now
Fun does not exist. Theres nothing here for me, no happy, no life. Life is a lie. Pëople are illusions, family aint family no more. From social worker to a-social in a few months. This place is a magnet, i notice people rarely move out far here.
Ah the girls, yes, well, since its not cos im shy or i dont know how to start talking it must be something else like .. THERES NOTHING HERE FOR ME. And also, my first pickup line would have to be. O sorry, but before i start hitting on you, i absolutely plan to move to the other side of the world so if you dont feel like that or have things to leave behind i will spare us both the trouble.
stalemate, ahole in my soul and no one to fill iti and even if it would most likely be cursed before it hit off because of that. Open up my heart ? Its not a heart, its some shards. I cant do loose relations, i get attached, for all my progressivenes, im pretty oldskool there. I dont do internet dating, i need a tete a tete to start with. This place, this country has ruined my life
So i do the whole festival zone. Mostly families, mummy daddy and the kids. It hasnt gained momentum yet, a few days in and you get people who havent gone home for days dazing about, but not today, not yet. No party mood in the air, certainly not in my head or behind my dead eyes. I walk around aimlessly, buy a hat, new sunglasses, eat a bratwurst, drink a cola, smoke half a pack of cigarettes, make it across town to my single favourite overnight latenight bar in gent. Kinky Star music club .. closed by day apparently the vampires need their coffin time.
So i decide to go back home, Six o clock, feeling as hollow as i did before i left.
But at least i got some o2 in my system
sold out ......
, this is filed and reported, my name is logged, and why the fuck did they need my cellphone number ?
I can think of only one reason, to track my calls, but i thought that used to require an active ongoing investigation and a warrant.
THING IS, anyone could call at anytime for any reason saying anything at all and i dont get to know who or to defent myself or to know if its always the same few jokers
THING IS ... ME AGAIN gets held up by SEVEN cops in the middle of the street at rush hour in wayward pines. As if im some lethal killer they cant just ask with a team of two.
Here in wayward pines .... "o look, its HIM again, must be a real criminal , always that many to hold him up"
there goes the rep, what rep ? O yea , sir you want to clear your record, yes sir, its been eight years now i think its time; O but we have several accounts of people calling to complain ..
so what were the last ones
well the two last someone called that a drunk was directing traffic in the middle of the highway, for some reason they stopped me while the actual guy was 50 metres behind, maybe 100
so that got logged hey ?
The last one i think
euh ... the crime was "looking at a car" .... ?????
yea, looking at a car, SO dangerous it took seven of them to stop me
yea ... im a hard-ass gangster
then there was the time when some guy just headbutted me in a bar and the bartender tells ME to go cos they called the cops
turned out the guy was connected to some local hard-ass gangsters , tsk
yea ... at least i think i found out later last evening what the motorcycle mafia was doing in town ... some guy ... one of two hard-ass gangster brothers (real ones, yea its all fun and games here, its like hobbiton mixed with a layer of orcs the 'normal' people dont know shit about, they dont know whats going on in their own town)
one guy just got into a vehicle repair shop and poured gasoline over someone and threatend to light him on fire
my guess an you-owe-me-money-thing
very scarface, broad daylight not give a fuck kinda thing so he's probably on the run ... straight outta jail
last time his bro was straight outta jail, goes have a beer gets into a fight and like wacks of a guys jawbone ... straight outta jail
its a weird mix here in wayward pines
but i still feel violated
and i still NEVER EVER will settle for living here
why not .. ITS SO GOOD HERE ?
shut the fuck up
Well fyi blue boys, i was walking the cat. Cant do that by day, too many cars, too many dogs, too many people and too many eyes and stalkers. The kitty loves it, she gets to sniff everything and a bit of fresh air, and i get to be outside here for thirty minutes without getting a nervous breakdown because i hate this fucking town cos it, flanders, belgium and pleb stalkers ruined my life. I will never settle here, i will never want to be here, i refuse to have a social life here. I never had a gf from here, not when i was fifteen, not when i was 20, not at 30 and definitely not now. Theres nothing here for me, thats why i never come out. That and the pleb gossip. Im sorry, is that insulting ? Well ive been insulted for seven years now.
O and if you're waiting to catch me drunk (cos here in police state nv-a land they can hold you just for being drunk ... i thought that was a general law but even in the states considered worst qua police overhere apparently cops there dont give a shit if you're lying drunk in a ditch snoring)
So, i was walking the cat. . .
could you stop stalking me and next time someone calls that 'im looking at a car' ????!?? maybe give me their names or something so i can sue someone for harassment ?
One hour there
One hour traon back
Would have cost me twelve, now cost me over thirty and the week is only halfway.
Like i said yesterday, what will flanders bring tomorrow to ruin my day ?
I tell you, the day i get on that plane out of hell im not lookimg back once even if the whole country burns behind me, good riddance
o wait ... lets not forget the best part .. since a while you have to buy your ticket from a vending machine (savings everywhere), if you dont before you get on you have to pay double or 25% extra or something.
So, with great joy the vending machine announces that my ticket has been "replaced by a cheaper week-end ticket"
"ONLY" seven euros (they should check prices in other countries sometime i think) ... so im like yay, here we go.
It did not announce however : "apologies sir, there are no trains today in this backyard" ... it still sold me a ticket.
Welcome to Belgium. We will ruin your life, be glad to take all your money and in return you get
skijt ... skijt ... SKEIT !
no, sir, im still not gonna buy a car for the few days a year i get out and local railways succeed in fucking up my plans. Thats just not a cost-effective solution. If i had just a litle more id simply call a cab and never take the train again. On a yearly basis it would still be probably like a thousand times cheaper than owning a car which would be nothing but an extra leash and chain to pay for.
i was getting out of here at 40, the reference to salems pines is not just alcohol induced rage, which would be hard since i havent had a single drop in 39 days , which isnt hard at all realy .. the smoking however.
another exercise in total zen or die.
there goes my day ... AGAIN
i SO , deeply, thoroughly hate this fucking place
try again tomorrow, we'll see what we can do to fuck up your day then thank you come again ... should i bother mailing them, theyre not gonna give me a refund anyway
survival sandbox seems to be the new hype
ofcourse no one can run a server to fit it
xept IBM maybe ?
but why would they run society if they're trying to run a brain
have you ever read the manycoloured land
when i was a kid
i mean a kid
it was one of my favourite series
its not even zelazny or Vance
julian may i believe
how wonderful it would be
i still think early access games should be treated like piracy is
at the moment
- add me on skype : muad-_-dibhttp://cat.alleycat.be, presentadd me on skype : muad-_-dib , seriously, dont be shy i prefer a live conversation, you can turn the video on or off, to this turn based strategical chatting add me on skype : muad-_-dib add me on skype : muad-_-dib
- add me on skype : muad-_-dibadd me on skype : muad-_-dibadd me on skype : muad-_-dib
- add me on skype : muad-_-dibadd me on skype : muad-_-dibadd me on skype : muad-_-dib
watashi-wa watashi da
dont ask why its just how it evolved, i can not not be me
see, people tell me i have trust issues
i dont have trust issues, i have so many knives in my back i look like a hedgehog on a kirlian photo, thats a spikey aura there, thats why im always on the edge and ready for defense
these are not 'trust issues' ... trust issues is not this
so, online, no one is who they say they are until prove otherwise, see , inhere its even easier to appear as if you were not someone from my past i never wanna see again, might be an ex, might be a rat, might be anything ...
fallen angel from another heaven, when i fell through the hole in space as i was exiled, never to return your one remnant narcist hippie antfarmkid asked me : "do i KNOW you?"
i said : no ofcourse you dont you fucking proto-douchebag, i never chose to be here, i should have wings still instead i got a back full of knives, thats not trust issues
thats being careful
say what you will, think what you will , you are not me
and i sure as hell won't be you
non serviam, i liked that one though, the nicest of his servants before you lot of ants twisted his soul into a burning ball of hate for humanity, turned into a mirror and this is what you get
no one is who they say they are until proven otherwise, if you wont, then dont, no problem
i dont need you anyway
privacy my highest good after my cats, oxygen and money
DONT FUCK WITH THAT
ILL HUNT YOU DOWN
Ni dieu , ni maître ?
mh, i dont believe in gods who care i'm an agnostic polytheist and i picked my morals well, THEY ARE STRONGER THAN YOURS and less hippiecrite ...
ni maître ?
I fear no man, scared people get black eyes too, did you know that ? But as with any man, even the mighty Merlin in his glory days could be brought to his knees and frozen forever by a women, the enchantress ...
Liberté ? Yes , ofcourse, they call it evolution in the law that predates and surpassas any paper law of men
Egalité ? Look around you, where the hell does that exist but in lofty speeches and constitutions ? Like good and bad, a concept invented by the human brain to cope with perception.
My back is so full of knives my Kirlian picture would look like a hedgehog. I have a REAL hard time believing in that forever friends crap. So i'm 100% but theres maybe 5 people in the world i trust ?
So ... if you were looking for a place where all is good and fine all the time and where people tell you constantly its all fine and good and you're great ... YOU'RE IN THE WRONG PLACE MAH FREND. I don't do hippiecrite, the moon shines but you can't see the darkside. And a star might burn and shine on all sides but i'm not really a star even though i might have been perhaps, but even so i will go nova on your ass if you annoy me.
Not everything is good, not everything is positive, some people are plain bastards, others are plain idiots. A lot of them are leeches or black holes, looking for the one who shines most bright to suck up all the energy until they too become the darkness.
I prefer a social network with a dislike button too. A googleplusandminus, where not everything is always good and you can express dislike too.
But i cant find one.
Ask any phd who mastered in mass or personal psychology whats healthier. A place where people tell you where it's at ? Or a place where people only get to tell you they like everything or shut up ?
I HATE YOUR FUCKING WORLD
hah .... im gonna find a place to shout that out loud now (very therapeutic ...)
- the gods told me to relaxinquisitor, 2001 - present
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