THE GENESIS OF A WEIRD FANTASY MAGIC ITEM

So on the dogwalk I was complaining to the wife about how, ahhhh, unimpressive several of the magic item submissions are. Some people just don't know how to magic item.

So she decided to come up with a magic item idea off the top of her head.

It'll be a bra, a really lacy bra, that when you put it on you grow really big breasts and then you get the best possible results from any negotiations or diplomacy. The trick is that even when you take the bra off, the breasts remain, but the diplomacy benefits only apply if the bra is being worn.

And she wants the illustration to be of a burly guy with a bushy beard and big nose and balding... with the lace bra and really big tits.

Then she asks what's wrong with the submissions I've received.

Well... they're too... functional. "Functional with a catch!" They're not going to make people lose their shit. This needs to be page after page of brain-melting complete WTF OMG NO WAYYYY!!! material.

oops. Her idea is "functional with a catch."

I tell her not to worry about it, that a woman has completely on her own come up with an idea that some people out are going to be upset about (NO BIG TITTIES IN GAMING!) should cause enough shock and dissonance in readers to be OK on its own.

BUT NO! She wants to come up with something completely in the spirit of LotFP Weird Fantasy Role-Playing! So she's not done!

"What if... if you cut one of them off, it'll grow back, and the blade you used to cut it off becomes dull forever?"

hmmm. Not that exciting.

What if, when you cut one of them off, it grows TWO more boobs? Like hydra boobs? AND/OR the blade that did it starts growing boobs as well. There's always some smartass that'll have a sword with the explicit "blade never dulls" power that'll argue this shouldn't affect the sword, but they won't be able to get around the sword growing boobs.

She doesn't like that idea, but she has another one she likes better.

"What if when you cut off a boob, it grows back bigger? And then it gives milk which can feed an army?"

Hmmm, we're right back to functional. People will be seeking this thing out just so they can get a free food supply.

OK then, she develops further: When you cut off a boob, it grows back bigger each time, and each time able to feed a larger amount of people. However, as the boob gets bigger, it encumbers the character more (SHE ACTUALLY SAID ENCUMBER, SHE'S THINKING IN GAME MECHANICS HAHAHAHA ALL YOUR WIVES ARE FAIL COMPARED TO MINE) and that character needs more food to generate all that milk (obviously less food than is produced, but needing 12 peoples' shares of rations a day to produce 24 shares of rations is still a pain in the butt for an adventuring party).

And now we have a Weird Fantasy magic item that is going to cause people to question the sanity of the writer, my wife is now going to have a writing credit in the Ref book, and I'm only after 49 more items from you lot.
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