That phrase, "they don't talk about being adopted so they don't care about it." Don't use silence to dismiss thoughts someone hasn't shared. — Amanda (@AmandaTDA) February 12, 2014 I occasionally run across a comment on the Internet that goes something lik...
I knew nothing about adoptee loyalty. Actually I think in many ways Facebook painted a different story. Posting on different search sites and reading all of the stories about people that so desperately wanted to be reunited painted a different scenario that what was to come about for us....
I'm trying to make this short....I also need to explain that my sister has no desire to be reunited with our shared mother. I completely respect her, and at the same time my sister knows that if she changes her mind that I would stand by her and make it happen! My mother, her mother would be overjoyed!!! My sister and I have a very open relationship regarding anything that has to do with our (her) bio/natural family. I have and will always provide any type of information, pictures, ect...that she wants! If I could get her OBC for her I would. Basically all was going very good, slow, and we were forming a bond. Yes we are sisters, but at the same time we have been separated for 44 years. So I felt that it was fair for her to set the pace of the reunion. It never really dawned on me about her aparents. Maybe subconsciously, I didn't ask the magical question of what they thought of everything? I'm not really sure. We both have children that are pretty young, and since they had met and were starting to form bonds, I kinda assumed that her parents knew.
Well, I ( and also my girls) were pretty shocked and hurt when I was told that I was a "secret" in her life and if her aparents found out anything that all communication would cease! Now, this is how I found out about loyalty and it was very hard not to say anything. As conversations continued she told me that her aparents would be very hurt, angry, ect. If they found out about me. To this day I don't understand why there is so much "loyalty" towards them in regards to me? I do know her brother was reunited in the 80's and I know they were very upset and he stopped all contact.
I just don't understand the loyalty? My intent was never to try and take anyone's place? I can't speak from an adoptees perspective, but I have abandonment issues. I'm just a sister? How am I a threat? Even though our reunion isn't the greatest and actually it's caused so much pain not just on me, but my children also, if push came to shove, my loyalty would go to my sister! Is this normal? Is this right? It's been a very confusing couple of years! Some have questioned why am I still hanging on! In adoption us siblings, whether we are adopted or kept are the collateral damage that adoption causes! I could never walk away from her! Yes, I'm more guarded, which is sad. But no matter what, I have hope! I'm sorry for such a long comment!! Thank you for your great posting!
Rebecca Hawkes is certified as a parenting instructor by both the Beyond Consequences Institute and Gordon Training International (Parent Effectiveness Training). She is also a trained MotherWoman facilitator and a former assistant leader for the Parent Peer Leadership Program (leadership training for sharing Nonviolent Communication with parents). Herself an adoptee, as well as an adoptive parent by way of older-child foster adoption, Rebecca is passionate about supporting families and improving the outcomes for trauma-affected youth. Together with her adopted daughter's original mother, she co-founded www.AshleysMoms.com and has presented on adoption-related topics at various conferences and other venues. Her writing has appeared at thelostdaughters.com, Adoption Voices Magazine, BlogHer, the Huffington Post, and Brain,Child magazine, as well as on her personal blog Sea Glass & Other Fragments.
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