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Watching The Stars, So You Don't Have To.
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From the minds of The Onion: The most trusted source in the untrustworthy world of celebrity gossip. 

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Goodbye!
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I'm Laura Linney and it will all be over soon.
The world’s end sure wouldn’t seem like the end of the world if we heard about it from any of these stars’ mouths.
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We'd do anything to bring back our favorite stars.
There’s no bigger bummer than the death of one of your favorite celebrities. Without them, the world seems so bleak that you’d give anything to bring them back—even if they returned as the soulless, unblinking husks of the stars they once were.
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Jennifer Aniston is a 47-year-old woman who does not want to be pregnant.

SO STOP.

Just stop.
On Wednesday, June 15, for the umpteenth time in the past decade, Jennifer Aniston was pronounced pregnant.
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Where they are now that you’re trapped within your own unvarying, unyielding march toward oblivion!
Okay campers, rise and shine! It’s Groundhog Day—and you know what that means. It’s time to look back at the cast of the classic 1993 comedy and find out where they are now that you’re trapped within your own unvarying, unyielding march toward oblivion!
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Slideshows are a journey, not a destination.
We’ve assembled some of our favorite photos of comic actor Danny DeVito in one slideshow—and we had a lot of fun doing it. And frankly, that’s what’s most important.
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Tupac Shakur and more are celebrating famously today! http://starwi.pe/1E6s7GJ
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Gaze now in horror at the wan skin stretched tautly over Willem Dafoe’s jutting cheekbones—a mocking reminder of the flesh that will soon be slowly stripped from your own skull—and know that the hour of death is nigh!
The shadows lengthen and the clock sounds its most portentous chime, for eternal darkness is at hand—and as you slip into the void, the infamous Eight Celebrity Photos appear as witness to your demise. Look upon them now, if you dare, knowing that they will be the last celebrity photos you shall ever see!
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Fuck it all.
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Kurt Cobain: Meg Whittaker Of Woodlawn, Maryland
Losing our favorite entertainers is never easy. Fortunately, the soul is never truly destroyed, but rather transmigrates from body to body along the spiritual journey toward nirvana, entering a new physical state with every death based on merits and demerits it accrued. So here are some of the celebrities we’ve all been lucky enough to see again!
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Rinse. Wash. Repeat. Until death.
According to an exclusive report from People, happily married celebrities Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are expecting their second child that will soon become the focus of many tabloid write-ups and paparazzi photo ops.
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This is your creation. Look upon it.
These are the avatars of your own ineffable longing, joined together now in a twisted embrace of soft sweaters upon the stony inevitable. This is your creation. Look upon it.
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