We hope this letter finds you well. As for ourselves, such misfortune has befallen us! We had thought to spend a season catching fish in the Misty Mountains (we know of a very good hole there!) But we met with a nasty thief who tricked us. He trapped us into a riddle-game and then, he stole our birthday present. Our precious birthday present! And when we tried to go to find it, awful Men came and caught us, and gave us to the Elves to keep in a prison. How we suffered! The Elvish bonds, they burned! They bit! They froze us!
With the help of some kind friends of yours we escaped, but now we wander all lost and alone over the hard rocks and stones of the Brown Lands. We wish you could send a Nazgul or two to help us find that thief and get us back our precious. Or failing that, some Orcs. Or at least a Warg, with his keen, keen nose, keener than even ours. Yes.
So we conclude our sad letter asking for whatever help a kind friend like yourself can give us. We hope you will bear our suffering and injustice in mind and keep an Eye out for that nasty, tricksy thief and our precious, precious birthday present.
So sadly and hungrily yours,