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Bradford Bright
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Bradford Bright

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HOUSTON—Stating that any damage would be limited to just a handful of species that somehow managed to survive that long, officials from the Shell Oil Company assured the public Wednesday that most of the Arctic wildlife living near their proposed drilling site will be extinct well before their next oil spill.
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Bradford Bright

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CHARLOTTE, NC—Thrilled at the prospect of having to constantly reposition himself while straining to hear the movie’s dialogue, local man Sam Weber was excited Friday to watch a barely audible outdoor screening of Back To The Future from atop a hard, knobby tree root, sources reported.
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LANGLEY, VA—Barely able to contain his elation over the previous night’s clandestine operation in the Middle East, CIA director John O.
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WASHINGTON—In a gesture of encouragement toward the millions of Americans struggling to find work in a difficult job market, the U.S.
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Bradford Bright

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ARIES: Next week will see you at the front of a ragtag band of orphans, but that shouldn't surprise you, as you've been running the world's shabbiest orphanage for years now. 
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Bradford Bright

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MINFORD, OH—Boasting that they have cured hundreds of teens and young adults over the years, gay conversion therapists from the Redeeming Path Treatment Center told reporters Thursday that most of their patients are completely straight by the time t...
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Razor sharp.
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Bradford Bright

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CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—A report published Thursday by researchers at the University of Virginia has revealed that putting your head in your hands and quietly moaning is still the best known way of getting through the next several seconds.
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MOSCOW—Saying he can’t imagine beginning his day without the pages spread out on his kitchen table, Russian president Vladimir Putin told reporters Thursday that he starts off each morning by sitting down to write the day’s news.
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HAHAHAHA

Former KGB, supporter of Pravda and propaganda, writes 'news'.

OH. MY. BOB. I'm dying!!!

+Morticia Marina 
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Bradford Bright

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In anticipation of the Supreme Court’s upcoming ruling on same-sex marriage, a Utah lawyer filed an amicus brief on behalf of 100 conservative “scholars of marriage” arguing that legalizing gay marriage will cause 900,000 abortions becau...
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Damn you, Onion! Got me again. 
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Bradford Bright

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Confirming previous studies that have shown there is no link between vaccines and autism, a new study has found that even kids at a higher risk of developing autism, such as those with autism in the family, were no more likely to develop autism after bein...
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WASHINGTON—Staring off into the middle distance as he sat behind the Resolute desk in the Oval Office this afternoon, President Obama is said to have spent several minutes fantasizing about ordering one last drone strike against himself on the final...
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Have him in circles
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