Some more of my foolishness from AAJ.
More of my silliness from The Roanoke Times.
About Jeff Fitzgerald, Genius
Born in 1967 in Paintsville, Kentucky, Jeff was immediately hailed by baby critics as “a bright new star on the newborn infant horizon.” Indeed, he won the Commonwealth's Baby of the Year Award (Non-Inbred Division), despite a relatively late August 24th release.
Moving to the Old Dominion in 1969 to try his hand at their ultra-competitive toddler scene, Jeff proved to be an immediate smash. Virginia Creeper magazine noted the arrival of the “up-and-coming young phenom from the Bluegrass State,” while the Roanoke Times trumpeted “2-for-25 cent Kennyburgers and 49 cent limited edition Richard Petty action tumblers while supplies last” at all Kenny's locations, which was a good deal even then.
Growing up in the flash and bustle of the elite Heights section of metropolitan Clifton Forge, Virginia, Jeff quickly rose through the ranks and by the age of 12 had compiled an enviable 21-0 record (19 by KO) and won titles in both the toddlerweight and snot-nosed kid divisions. Entering Clifton Forge High School in 1980 as an eighth grader, the Mountaineers immediately responded with a 10-0 district championship football season, a state girls basketball title, and the coveted Least Repulsive School Lunch Award from Locker Life magazine. Jeff was obviously a harbinger of good fortune for all those around him, as well.
Adolescence contained most of the same trials and tribulations for Jeff as it does for most teenagers. But suffering the first of several severe knee injuries in 1983 and a season-ending broken heart in 1984 only served to steel his resolve. He responded from these setbacks with a stellar 1985 campaign, winning Punk Teen's Comeback of the Year award and being accepted to Mars Hill College's extremely selective Arrogant Bastard program.
The late eighties and early nineties found Jeff overcoming obstacles that would have doomed most men, such as a mullet and acid-washed jeans. Coming into his own as an adult he set about establishing himself as, if not the voice of his generation, certainly the bass and backing vocals, the Michael Anthony of Generation X.
Reaching his mid-twenties, Jeff finally achieved the long-sought pinnacle of his already-glorious career. On April 9, 1995, Jeff won the title of Genius with a 5th round knockout of Albert Einstein at the Sands in Las Vegas. Critics of the fight point out that Einstein had, in fact, been dead for forty years. Jeff has always maintained that if Big Al hadn't been up for the bout, he should have spoken up during the weigh-in.
Many lesser men would have been content to just sit back and rest on their laurels, taking advantage of all the perks of being a Genius (such as the 10% discount at all Musicland or Sam Goody outlets, and a complementary salad bar with the purchase of any entree at any Ruby Tuesdays), but Jeff had never been one to just sit back and coast. He immersed himself in a rigorous program of self-expansion, fashioning himself into a modern-day Renaissance man complete with a sword and one of those poofy hats they used to wear back then.
Throughout his thirties, Jeff has continued to hone his talents. He has parlayed his considerable knowledge of jazz and film into a presence on the Internet that rivals that of the Free Chili's Gift Card pop-up ad. His intelligent, urbane humor can be found on such award-winning websites as allaboutjazz.com, the213.net, and sluts-up.org. He is also considered to be one of the world's foremost authorities on baseball's balk rule, and was recently named one of the ten cleverest men of his height by Britain's Heads Above magazine.
Jeff has also augmented his status among the electronic intelligentsia by marrying Tara Heberling Fitzgerald, a graduate of the University of Virginia and a genius in her own right. With a combined IQ of over 300 and a total height of 11'3”, the tandem were recently recognized as Couple of the Year by screwingaroundonline.com and honored with the Best Non-Productive Use of Company Time by Soaking the Clock magazine. Tara herself was also named Nerd Queen of the Year by both parentsbasement.org and NerdHerd Quarterly, and received a special Lifetime Achievement in Technophobia award from ludditesonline.net.
Upon the (relatively) amicable dissolution of his marriage, Jeff returned to the Original Geniusdome in Roanoke, VA, where he resides with his parakeet and business manager, Luca Brasi.
- Mars Hill CollegeMusic, 1985 - 1986
- Virginia Commonwealth UniversityMusic, 1986 - 1986
- Jeff Fitzgerald, Genius, Professional Writing, Humor, and Pit BBQAuthor, Raconteur, Hillbilly, 2012 - presentHumor, screenwriting, serious prose, you name it. Except poetry. My poetry is just godawful.
- Ride Today CarsBusiness Manager, 2008 - 2012