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D Woods
Lives in Cleveland Hts. Ohio
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If you missed +T-Mobile's CEO John Legere's Christmas video, stop everything you're doing and go watch it. NAO.
T-Mobile's CEO John Legere seems to have been infused with a bit of Christmas spirit. The brash face of Magenta posted a video to Twitter wishing everyone a happy holidays with a nice poem sitting aside a roasty fire place. Well, it was nice if you weren't one of the three major carriers T-Mobile's contending with, anyway.
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Did Somebody Say Nut Shot
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Subject: Abbott and Costello and COMPUTERS

Funny stuff!
______________________________________
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper
computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer..

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............
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Subject: HOW TO START A FIGHT 
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant....The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's how the fight started.....
_____________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"Oh my!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
____________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started.....
_____________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's how the fight started.....
____________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And that's how the fight started.....
______________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
______________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

Hope this gave you a smile......if it did, pass it on.
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$8 Homemade Air Conditioner - Works Flawlessly!
Amazing T-shirts For ENGINEERS ! : http://bit.ly/1nx2AtK
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Seen in a Bakery cafe
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Why?? ..did we need to know this
 
Scientists discover why mozzarella is the ideal pizza cheese
Pizza is essentially the perfect food. Well, so long as you aren't lactose intolerant or have problems with gluten. We realize that those are pretty big
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#arnoldschwarzenegger  in Aussie real estate commercial
Advertising Agency: BWM, Melbourne, Australia Director: John Hamburg Executive Creative Director: Murray White Copywriter: Jake McLennan Art Direc
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Amazing
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People
In his circles
57 people
Have him in circles
28 people
Love Ruby's profile photo
Wilson Tang's profile photo
Darryl Woods's profile photo
veronica z's profile photo
Melodie Woods's profile photo
Wilson Tang's profile photo
Rachael Lynn Clark's profile photo
himansu barman's profile photo
Cecilia Foreman's profile photo
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Male
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Map of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has livedMap of the places this user has lived
Currently
Cleveland Hts. Ohio
Previously
Cleveland Ohio - Washington DC.
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Text Me! Free Texting & Call
market.android.com

Free Texting (real SMS messages) to any Phone number in the United States, Canada and 40 countries. Free HD Voice and Video Calls between An

Google Play Music
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Google Play Music makes it easy to discover, play and share the music you love on Android and the web. With our new All Access service (US),

Android 4.0 ICS Launcher
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4.0 Ice Cream Sandwich Launcher for any Android device! Ice Cream Sandwich Launcher can run on Froyo, Holo, Gingerbread, ICS and Jelly Bean.

Google Drive
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Keep everything. Share anything.*** Google Docs is now a part of Google Drive! *** * With Google Drive, you can store all your files in one

Tazer Free
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Have fun with your friends by pretending they will be electrocuted. This app is a one-trick pony, but the trick is fun if you can pull it of

Tip Calc Slider
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This is just another simple Tip Calculator that uses Sliders. This is just another simple Tip Calculator that uses Sliders. New features > C

ImogoMail Outlook Web App
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ImogoMail OWA allows you to access your ImogoMail Outlook Web App interface.ImogoMail OWA is a simple application which allows you to access

Greeting Cards
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If you like it, please give 5 star rating. It helps me to add features/cards.Find and send the perfect Greeting Card for any occasion. Greet

Free Dictionary Org
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Chosen as "Best Dictionary App" by the book "Best Android Apps", O'Reilly Media. Chosen as "Best Dictionary App" by the book "Best Android A

Food is just average. I have been here a few times but not in a good while. Most disappointing was the so called apple burrito I got to go. Wet dough covered with whip cream & chocolate "FILL WITH APPLE SAUCE ". Worse thing I've ever had.
Food: GoodDecor: Very GoodService: Excellent
Public - 10 months ago
reviewed 10 months ago
First and last time, breakfast meal very disappointing. How does a cook burn hash browns on one side and then serve them. The waitress was very nice, she noticed it an offer to take them back. The rest of the meal was also in question, under cooked bacon in my opinion. Seems like a very nice place and the service was great I just happen to order breakfast at the lunch time.
Food: Poor - FairDecor: Very GoodService: Very Good
Public - a year ago
reviewed a year ago
2 reviews
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