In her own words: bellejar
Dear Everyone: Here’s Why I Don’t Want To Read Your Crappy Opinions On What Other Women Should Do
Earlier today, Lydia Lovrac, a Montreal-based “columnist, talk-radio host, stay-at-home mom,” wrote a scornful response to piece from 2013 about why Sasha Emmons chooses to work outside of the home. Don’t ask me why Lovrac is responding to a two year old article, because I’m as baffled as you are. I’m sure she has her reasons, such as maybe she some type of wizard who exists outside of the linear bounds of time and space; this would explain why she is writing about the evils of mothers who work outside the home in 2015.
You guys, it’s 2015. It has been two thousand and fifteen years since the alleged birth of Christ and we are still having this goddamn argument about whether or not a mother is morally obligated to stay home with her kids, should finances permit. And as much as it’s tempting to write off Lovrac as a throw-back with outdated opinions, the truth is that the question of mothers working outside the home is still burning up parenting websites and message boards. As far as parenting wank goes, the debate about whether or not mothers should stay home is right up there with breastfeeding, circumcision and cloth diapering. Lovrac is certainly not alone in her belief that women who choose to work are selfish.
There is nothing more disheartening to me than watching women tear each other down, especially within the context of parenting. It’s sad and it’s gross and it’s the purest example of internalized misogyny that there is. There’s no benefit to these discussions; they’re just endless cycles of women shitting on other women’s happiness and security under the guise of concern for The Children. What’s even more enraging is how gendered these arguments are – even when they say that it’s best for “a parent” to stay home with their kids, what they really mean is mother.
I’m not going to get into the layers and layers of privilege that have allowed Lovac to write this article. I’m not going to address her claims that “you need not be rich in order to live off one income.” I’m only going to just mention in passing how fucking shitty it is to refer to a mother as “absent” because she works outside the home – I’ll just say that I know my fair share of absent parents, and I promise you they are not out there working to pay the bills and feed their kids. I’m not even going to discuss the fact that plenty of single mothers raise their kid on one income and, by necessity rather than choice, work outside of the home. Instead, I’m going to talk about how gross and oppressive our persistent cultural about motherhood are.`
No one ever says that fathers are selfish for working outside the home.
No one is writing think pieces about how “absent fathers” letting strangers raise their kids just so that they can pursue an enjoyable and fulfilling career.
No dads are out there penning thoughtful letters to their children about why they chose to work. If they were, they’d probably read something like this:
I chose to work after you were born because it literally never occurred to me to do otherwise. I certainly did not consider disrupting everything I have known and loved about my life outside of the home because I decided to have kids. I do not feel guilt or shame for my decision, because why would I?
As a culture, we have a weird obsession with women being “selfish.” Mothers especially are prone to accusations of selfishness any time they make a choice that doesn’t directly and obviously benefit their children. Even when mothers are encouraged to practice self-care, it’s often approached with the idea that feeling happy and rested will make them better partners and parents. And while that may be true, why can’t a woman ever just be happy for her own damn self? Dudes don’t need to come up with excuses for why they should be able to do things they enjoy, and women shouldn’t either.
And by the way, here’s a list of the reasons Emmons gave for going back to work that Lovac found “selfish”:
“I work because I love it.”
“I work because scratching the itch to create makes me happy, and that happiness bleeds over into every other area, including how patient and engaged and creative a mother I am.”
“I work because this nice house and those gymnastics lessons and those sneakers you need to have are all made possible by two incomes.”
“I work because I want you and your brother to be proud of me.”
So: just to clarify, Emmons is selfish because she enjoys her job, a dual income helps pay for the lifestyle her family enjoys, and she hopes that the work she does will make her children proud of her.
In what world is it selfish to love your job? What is it about women specifically that makes them terrible people if they aren’t prioritizing their children 24/7? I mean, yes of course parenting involves some amount of sacrifice, but the idea that you should only live for your children is a pretty dangerous road to go down and, again, not one that any dudes are being told they have to travel.
Lovac’s counter to all of Emmons’ selfish reasons includes the following:
“I stay home because although writing and radio did make me extremely happy, I knew that you seemed happier when I was around. And your happiness was more important to me than my own. And making you happy also made me happy.”
“I stay home because I want you to learn that family and love are more important than material possessions. A large home or fancy sneakers will not make up for an absent mother.”
“I stay home because I want you and your brothers to be proud of me because I gave up something I truly loved in order to put you first.”
In short: a healthy relationship dynamic between a parent and child does not involve the parent supporting their child by working outside the home, but does include expecting your children to appreciate the fact that you made the ultimate life sacrifice for them.
I am just so exasperated by the continuing circle of shaming mothers for whatever choices they make. It seems like no matter what, the conclusion is always “MOMS: STILL PRETTY MUCH THE WORST?” It’s the 21st century and at the very least we can all agree that we want to raise kids who are proud of us, so let’s work on building each other up us parents and caregivers and mentors instead of fighting to push each other off the Pedestal of Motherhood. We’ll all be better for it.
Read full letter:
ALL TO ACTION: Protect Access to Specialized Wheelchair Accessories
The Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services (CMS) has announced they intend to apply Medicare
Competitive Bid pricing to wheelchair accessories used on Complex Rehab wheelchairs effective January
1, 2016. This will result in payment cuts of 20% to 50% and cause major decreases in the availability (or
outright elimination) of individually configured wheelchair systems that people with disabilities rely on.
As further explained in the Position Paper, this change is in violation of specific Congressional legislation
and subsequent Medicare policy decisions that excluded Complex Rehab wheelchairs and related
accessories from the Competitive Bid Program. Congress must intervene to get CMS to rescind this
change in order to prevent the disastrous results that will occur.
There is a BIPARTISAN “sign‐on” letter to CMS being circulated in the House of Representatives to
resolve this problem. Based on existing law and policy, the letter asks that CMS issue a rescission and
stipulate that the current payment policy for Complex Rehab wheelchair accessories will be maintained.
The sign‐on letter allows Representatives to add their signatures to indicate their concern with the issue
and their request for a resolution. The more signatures, the more weight the letter will be given. Our
job is to get as many Representatives as possible to sign on by Noon on March 27th.
HERE’S HOW TO HELP
Representatives need to hear from people in their home districts that this is a problem that needs fixing.
A website has been developed to provide information (including the Position Paper and copy of the
letter) along with tools to assist you in getting your Representative to sign on to the BIPARTISAN letter
to CMS. Please go to http://cqrcengage.com/access2crt/CBpricing and take these three steps:
1. Email your House Representative‐ By providing your name and address at the website, the
system will automatically identify your Representative and generate an email for you to send
asking him/her to sign on to the letter to CMS.
2. Call your House Representative‐ After you've sent the email, calling the office as a follow up to
ensure you get their attention is crucial in making sure your voice gets heard. The website
provides instructions, the phone number, and concise talking points to make your call effective.
3. Tweet your House Representative‐ Something as simple as sharing a message on social media
can gain attention and make a lasting impression. Share your tweet using #access2CRT and
#ComplexRehab. Use these hashtags on Facebook too.
Please share this Call to Action with others to get more people engaged. We need to get this policy
reversed so people with disabilities can continue to have access to the specialized equipment they rely
on each day to maximize their function and independence. Thanks for your assistance and support!
For additional information email email@example.com or visit www.ac
Study not quite certain about their results but looks promising. but 4-7 cups of coffee a day? I'd get no sleep and that's not good for MS fatigue. Interesting though.
If you know anyone who has or needs a wheelchair: they are trying to reduce payments to our vendors who provide us with wheelchairs, assessories, and home assessments when you first become disabled and need help making your whole home accessiable . Sign th...
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