Everyone, I have made a discovery:
Plastic hipster glasses are extremely useful in at least one capacity.
I was riding my bike home one night, and I kept getting bugs in my eyes, but I couldn't put on my sunglasses because it was dark and I wouldn't have been able to see anything. I started thinking "I wish they made clear glasses, but without vision-corrective properties..." Just as I was seriously considering repurposing my ski goggles, I remembered that hipster glasses exist.
I am pleased to report that my hypothesis was correct and plastic hipster glasses function perfectly as nighttime-bike-riding bug guards. Ski goggles also work, but they will make your face sweaty.