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Ray Vallese
526 followers -
Editing, copy editing, proofreading
Editing, copy editing, proofreading

526 followers
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BATMAN VS. ELMER FUDD, a real comic book coming your way in June. I just hope Elmer doesn't say "Hail Hydra!" (though I guess it would be "Hail Hydwa!")


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TERRIBLE JOKES FOR TUESDAY
#tj4t

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, “I think we got this joke wrong.”

How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb?
Is it one or two? One . . . or two?

Did you hear about the nun who wiped her nose on her sleeve and refused to bathe?
She had some filthy habits.

How does an Eskimo fix a broken vase?
With igloo.

A boy and girl in high school had been dating for a while, and she invited him on a weekend trip to her family’s lake house so he could meet her parents. She also said she was ready to go all the way at last.
The boy was so excited that he ran to the drugstore to buy condoms. The pharmacist asked, “Do you want the 3-pack, the 6-pack, or the 10-pack?”
“Better give me the 10-pack,” he said. “I plan on getting busy all weekend!”
When he arrived at the lake house, the whole family was sitting at the dinner table, about to pray before the meal. The girl’s father asked him to say grace.
The boy bowed his head and prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by.
The girl leaned over to him and whispered, “You never told me you were so religious.”
The boy whispered back, “You never told me your dad was a pharmacist.”


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This is a really well done promo for the new Twin Peaks series. Just one month away!

WARNING: This completely spoils the main plot of the first two seasons. Don't watch if you're not caught up. (But come on, it's been 25 years. Vader is also Luke's father.)


TERRIBLE JOKES FOR TUESDAY
#tj4t

Special knock-knock joke edition!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes Sean Connery.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Billy Jo Bob Jackson.
Billy Jo Bob Jackson who?
Seriously? How many Billy Jo Bob Jacksons do you know?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Woo.
Woo who?
Don’t get too excited. It’s just a knock-knock joke.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Etch.
Etch who?
Gesundheit.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Suspense.
Suspense who?



TERRIBLE JOKES FOR TUESDAY
#tj4t

Did you hear about the new drug that causes women to join a convent?
It’s been banned because it’s habit-forming.

How did the hermit pay for his home?
Alone.

I used to hate facial hair. Then it started to grow on me.

What did one mountain say to the other after an earthquake?
Hey, it's not my fault!

A businessman on a trip suspected his wife of being unfaithful, so he called home to check on her. A strange woman answered the phone.
“Who are you?” he asked.
The woman replied, “I'm the maid.”
“But we don't have a maid,” he said.
“I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.”
“Okay,” he said, “where is she?”
“Who wants to know?” asked the maid.
“This is the man of the house.”
“Oh! Uh, she just went upstairs with a guy I thought was the man of the house.”
Furious, the man asked the maid if she wanted to make a quick $10,000. She agreed and asked what she had to do. He told her to go into his den, get his gun, and shoot his two-timing wife and her lover.
The maid put the phone down, and a minute later the man heard two shots. The maid came back and asked him what to do with the bodies.
“Put them in a garbage bag and dump them in the swimming pool,” he said.
The maid said, “But we don’t have a swimming pool.”
There was a long pause. Then the man said, “Is this 555-6547?”


TERRIBLE JOKES FOR TUESDAY
#tj4t

Sometimes a joke is just so bad that I love it even more. Like the first one in today's list.

* * * * * * * * * *

Why aren’t koalas considered real bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.

Did you hear about the guy who didn’t trust trees?
He thought they seemed kind of shady.

Proud mother: Since he was a little boy, my son wanted to be a magician and saw people in half.
Friend: Is he your only child?
Mother: No, he has several half-brothers and -sisters.

Did you hear about the dyslexic poet?
She wrote inverse.

A patrol officer stopped a car that was going too slow on the highway. The driver was a nun.
“Sister,” he said, “the speed limit on this road is 65 mph. You’re only going 22.”
“I’m sorry, officer," she replied, "but we saw a lot of signs that said 22."
“Those indicate the highway number,” he pointed out.
As he turned away, he noticed three nuns in the back seat who were pale and shaking.
“Sisters, is anything wrong?” he asked.
“No, no,” said the driver. “We just got off highway 136.”

TERRIBLE JOKES FOR TUESDAY
#tj4t

Why do scientists look for things twice?
Because they research everything.

Two men went deer hunting. The first one asked, “Did you ever hunt bear?”
His friend said, “No, but once I went fishing in my shorts.”

What did the worm say when her son came home late?
“Where in earth have you been?”

I bought the world's worst thesaurus. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

At the county fair, a pilot offered to fly people in his old open-cockpit plane for $5. A farmer and his wife couldn’t decide whether to try it.
The pilot said, “If you’re good passengers and don’t do any backseat driving, I’ll take you up for nothing.” So he took the couple up and did some fancy flying. When he landed, he said to the farmer, “You did great for your first flight. I didn’t hear a word out of you.”
“It wasn’t easy,” said the farmer. “I almost said something back there when my wife fell out.”



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This is just like in Chicago when someone puts out a chair to hold a parking spot in front of their building.
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TERRIBLE JOKES FOR TUESDAY
#tj4t

Did you hear about the plumber who worked on top of a skyscraper?
He plunged to his death.

Why did the man hit the fortune teller when she started laughing?
He was striking a happy medium.

It was easy to learn to read braille once I got a feel for it.

Why can’t you keep secrets in a bank?
Because of all the tellers.

Sister Mary went about her morning chores in the convent. Sister Elizabeth passed her and said, “Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
Sister Mary was confused. Soon Sister Catherine greeted her and said, “Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
Frustrated, Sister Mary went out into the garden. There she ran into Sister Joan, who said, “Looks like you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.”
She stormed back inside and bumped into the Mother Superior, who opened her mouth to speak.
Sister Mary cut her off. “Please do not tell me I got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning!"
"Why, no," said the Mother Superior. “I was just going to ask why you’re wearing the bishop’s shoes.”


TERRIBLE JOKES FOR TUESDAY
#tj4t

What does a king do when he burps?
He issues a royal pardon.

Why are bakers so secretive about recipes?
They’re on a knead-to-know basis.

Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?
Don’t worry – he’s fully recovered.

What part of the road is always crying?
The breakdown lane.

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder, holding a piece of paper. “Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my assistant has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. “Excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
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