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Episode 23: Actual Newspaper Headlines (Part 2)


Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

Miners Refuse to Work After Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

Stolen Painting Found by Tree

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
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Episode 21 – Funny Want Ads

2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

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For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

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For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.

For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

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Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.

If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.

Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.

Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

We build bodies that last a lifetime.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.

Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

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Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
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Episode 22 – Actual Newspaper Headlines (Part 1)

Some are just slips of the tongue

Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
House passes gas tax onto senate
Stiff opposition expected to casketless funeral plan
Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
William Kelly was fed secretary
Milk drinkers are turning to powder
Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
Farmer bill dies in house
Iraqi head seeks arms

Some become unintentionally suggestive

Queen Mary having bottom scraped
Is there a ring of debris around Uranus?
Prostitutes appeal to Pope
Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
NJ judge to rule on nude beach
Child's stool great for use in garden
Dr. Ruth to talk about sex with newspaper editors
Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
Organ festival ends in smashing climax

Grammar often botches other headlines

Eye drops off shelf
Squad helps dog bite victim
Dealers will hear car talk at noon
Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
Miners refuse to work after death
Two Soviet ships collide - one dies
Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter
Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one intended:
Never withhold herpes from loved one
Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better
Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious

If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while

War dims hope for peace

Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency

Cold wave linked to temperatures

Child's death ruins couple's holiday

Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years

Man is fatally slain

Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say

Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
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Due to Google's new Business Pages feature (like on Facebook), TimMail will be transferring from a normal profile to this page below. TimMail recommends its fans to follow this page.

TimMail will use both profiles until the end of this week. The old profile will remain for another month so you can remember to follow the new page. The page will be removed from: 1st December.

Today there will be no TimMail episodes, due to the creation of this new page. However, tomorrow we have a very exciting TimMail episode as well as an Image of the Day!

Follow us now!
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In their circles
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Have them in circles
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Seyoon Ragavan's profile photo
Callum Davis's profile photo
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Jackson Chen's profile photo
Richard Tonga's profile photo
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Introduction
TimMail is a fabulous, free NON SPAM service. Every weekday, a funny post will be posted on Google+ and timmail.weebly.com. This is a site where Tim and his editors will find and post the funniest and most epic images, and text from the internet.