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azer cris
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Solitude: My Comfort Zone

I like being alone, solitude is a very peaceful place - one without restrictions. I’m free to just be me without guilt, pressure, and the need to be someone I’m not just so I fit in with everyone else. I’m an introvert, I’m wired to be unsocial and live life inside my own head. I’m also a product of my environment where past experiences strengthen my need for withdraw from society. I like to do things on my own terms, as selfish as it sounds. I panic when I feel out of control or pull myself from my place of peace and comfort, yes I know I have issues but they’re only issues when I’m trying to conform, when I’m alone things are perfect and life is beautiful. When I get to be the person I really am I feel in control of my own life, there’s no need to worry about what other people think or if I’m doing something wrong, even worse hurting another person. When I try connecting with people on a personal level and get close to them the puzzle pieces never fit together, I’m expected to be more like them and break free from my shell so that socialization occurs in a way that they prefer as an extrovert or less introverted person than myself. There’s never a comfortable balance for either side.

I have a hard time with relationships, to be honest I’m no good at them. I’m really good at being a mom but being a girlfriend or a real close friend is something I would no doubt struggle with. I’m an inconsistent and highly complex person when I’m around other people. My mind runs a million miles per second, I’m often distracted by my own analytical insights, and I’m extremely stubborn. Traits that don’t mix well with others. I’m a very nice person and have a heart of gold. I’d give the shirt off my back to help someone in need. I’m overly sensitive to the hurting of others. But I also have steel walls in place for protection, I see the hurting in others and I don’t want to be like them, I’ve been there way too many times, more than anyone should have to deal with. I may be irrational but I’m responsible for myself and my own well being, no one else has to pick up the pieces for me if they fall, but myself.

I think society expects to much from introverts. My oldest niece is a lot like me, a very quiet person even around family. All too often people are telling her to stop being so quiet, mingle with the crowd, and stop being a bum or party pooper. Growing up feeling the same way as her I really feel bad that she’s made to feel guilty for being wired a certain way. Quiet people are not party poopers, we’re just not people who enjoy stimulation from social situations. In fact, we feel overwhelmed by it. No one should ever feel like they’re not good enough because they don’t match the personality types of the people around them.

Why is it that extroverts make introverts feel like shit for not being social? Introverts don’t tell extroverts to shut up and leave everyone alone (not out loud at least), nor do they hurt the self esteem of extroverts because they are not quiet like us.

“Ahh... but Michelle, living inside your head and being unsocial is not healthy!” Not healthy for who? You or me? When you’re able to put yourself in a place where you feel comfortable, not hurting anyone, and able to really enjoy life even if it’s in your own head how is that an unhealthy situation? Being someone who you’re not is unhealthy, it creates insecurities, uncertainty with oneself, even worse - depression. Who wants to feel depressed? Certainly not me. I’ve had enough drama in my life. Crazy shit always happens to me, stuff that I had no hand in other than being too soft and letting people take advantage of my kindness and warm heart. I fail at being a people person, it’s just not who I am. Maybe I just don’t have the social skills or maybe it’s not something that can be learned. Either way, the desire to be different, to be social, and to be a people person is definitely not there. I am who I am, it’s a take it or leave it thing kinda thing.

Every time I start listening to someone when they say “you can do it, I know you have it in you” I start to think that maybe there is something hidden deep down that I’m just not aware of, but it doesn’t take long to figure out there’s nothing there. This is how I am and this is probably how I will always be. It’s just that people want to see certain qualities in me that makes me look more appealing to them. When I realize they were hoping for something that I failed to provide them I end up feeling like shit. It’s funny because I think I should have learned by now that I’m not who everyone thinks I am or wants to see me as. I’m someone only I understand and accept. I need to stop letting everyone try to talk me out of knowing exactly who I am, it’s not healthy.

Time to crawl back in my shell, it’s nice and warm and cozy in here.
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