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Christine Bennett
587 followers -
Marriage and Relationship Counselling | Help for all Couples | Family Mediation | Coaching
Marriage and Relationship Counselling | Help for all Couples | Family Mediation | Coaching

587 followers
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“The motives for straying vary widely, as do the reactions and possible outcomes. Some affairs are acts of resistance. Others happen when we offer no resistance at all. One person may cross the border for a simple fling, while another is looking to emigrate. Some infidelities are petty rebellions, sparked by a sense of ennui, a desire for novelty, or the need to know one still has pulling power. Others reveal a feeling never known before—an overwhelming sense of love that cannot be denied. Paradoxically, many people go outside their marriages in order to preserve them. When relationships become abusive, transgression can be a generative force. Straying can sound an alarm that signals an urgent need to pay attention, or it can be the death knell that follows a relationship’s last gasp. Affairs are an act of betrayal and they are also an expression of longing and loss.”
Perel, Esther. The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved (pp. 9-10). Hodder & Stoughton. Kindle Edition.
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“The motives for straying vary widely, as do the reactions and possible outcomes. Some affairs are acts of resistance. Others happen when we offer no resistance at all. One person may cross the border for a simple fling, while another is looking to emigrate. Some infidelities are petty rebellions, sparked by a sense of ennui, a desire for novelty, or the need to know one still has pulling power. Others reveal a feeling never known before—an overwhelming sense of love that cannot be denied. Paradoxically, many people go outside their marriages in order to preserve them. When relationships become abusive, transgression can be a generative force. Straying can sound an alarm that signals an urgent need to pay attention, or it can be the death knell that follows a relationship’s last gasp. Affairs are an act of betrayal and they are also an expression of longing and loss.”
Perel, Esther. The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved (pp. 9-10). Hodder & Stoughton. Kindle Edition.
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“The motives for straying vary widely, as do the reactions and possible outcomes. Some affairs are acts of resistance. Others happen when we offer no resistance at all. One person may cross the border for a simple fling, while another is looking to emigrate. Some infidelities are petty rebellions, sparked by a sense of ennui, a desire for novelty, or the need to know one still has pulling power. Others reveal a feeling never known before—an overwhelming sense of love that cannot be denied. Paradoxically, many people go outside their marriages in order to preserve them. When relationships become abusive, transgression can be a generative force. Straying can sound an alarm that signals an urgent need to pay attention, or it can be the death knell that follows a relationship’s last gasp. Affairs are an act of betrayal and they are also an expression of longing and loss.”
Perel, Esther. The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved (pp. 9-10). Hodder & Stoughton. Kindle Edition.
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"People often see an affair as a trauma from which there is no return, and indeed, some affairs will deliver the fatal blow to a relationship. But others may inspire change that was sorely needed. Betrayal cuts to the bone, but the wound can be healed. Affairs can even become generative for a couple."

What are your comments on what Esther Perel is suggesting?

Perel, Esther. The State Of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity - a book for anyone who has ever loved (pp. 7-8). Hodder & Stoughton. Kindle Edition.
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Myth: You Have to Love Yourself Before You Can Love Someone Else If this were true, a baby would have to love itself before it was able to love its mother. But that’s not what happens: a baby learns to love from being loved. For a baby, there is no loving without feeling loved, or vice versa. The two work in tandem, inseparable. In fact, the baby experiences being loved and loving before it has any concept of what love is. Moreover, self-love becomes meaningful only after a child experiences a sense of separate self. That typically occurs after a child’s first birthday. (Pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton [1992] and others have researched and written at length on this topic.) Suffice it to say that, in our earliest stages of development, love is like a vast ocean whose waves do not distinguish between self and other.

The myth of self-love being primary implies that, as an adult, you should stop right now, go somewhere, and learn to love yourself before you embark on the dating journey. It supposes that you can generate self-love by taking a class, reading a book, or meditating in a cave. But you can’t. You learn to love by engaging with others, period. It can’t be done alone.

Tatkin, Stan. Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate (p. 21). New Harbinger Publications. Kindle Edition.
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The quality of our love relationships is also a big factor in how mentally and emotionally healthy we are. We have an epidemic of anxiety and depression in our most affluent societies. Conflict with and hostile criticism from loved ones increase our self-doubts and create a sense of helplessness, classic triggers for depression. We need validation from our loved ones. Researchers say that marital distress raises the risk for depression tenfold!

Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships (p. 24). Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.
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When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them. Mario Mikulincer of Bar-Ilan University in Israel conducted a series of studies asking participants questions about how connected they felt in relationships and how they dealt with anger when conflicts arose. Their heart rates were monitored as they responded to scenarios of couples in conflict. Those who felt close to and could depend on partners reported feeling less angry with and attributing less malicious intent to their partners. They described themselves as expressing anger in a more controlled way, and expressed more positive goals, such as solving the problems and reconnecting with their partners.

Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships (p. 21). Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.
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Emotional Safety Is Important In Maintaining A Loving Connection

“When we feel safely linked to our partners, we more easily roll with the hurts they inevitably inflict, and we are less likely to be aggressively hostile when we get mad at them.

Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships (p. 21). Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.
#Emotionalsafety #lovingconnection #partners #couplescounselling #love
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When we feel generally secure, that is, we are comfortable with closeness and confident about depending on loved ones, we are better at seeking support—and better at giving it.

Johnson, Sue. Hold Me Tight: Your Guide to the Most Successful Approach to Building Loving Relationships (p. 20). Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.
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"When we see our sweetie’s mouth droop down or eyes well with tears, our brain mimics the experience for us. In a sense, we physiologically try on the feeling. The line between us and our partner blurs, and we automatically, without conscious reflection or deliberation, feel and know he or she is sad. This is invaluable in helping us tune in to a mate and in building intimacy, safety, and trust— the very bonds of love."

Johnson, Sue. The Love Secret: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships (p. 98). Little, Brown Book Group. Kindle Edition.
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