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郑集
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郑集

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中国官方慈善机构失去港人信任
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After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" asked the bewildered guy. Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation." 
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A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest penis he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!
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A cat tries to get a sausage out of a river, but gets its paws wet, then it sees a bigger one but falls in! MORAL OF THE STORY?The bigger the sausage the wetter the pussy!
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There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade. When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away. The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off. Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him. After they asked him he replied, "I bent over to get the news paper this morning, I farted and my whole house blew up!"
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郑集

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中国芦山房爷两千平米房产成危房
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Wife gets naked and asks her husband, 'What turns you on more! my pretty face or my sexy body?' Husband looks her up and down for a moment and replies, 'Your sense of humor.'
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Sales Girl: Sorry sir, you can't smoke here. Customer: But I bought the cigarette from this shop. Sales Girl: We sell condoms also but it doesn't mean you can start fucking here. 
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A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $15,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, \"I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?\" \"About 32\", the clerk replies. \"I'm actually 47\", the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies, \"I'd guess about 29\". The woman replies, \"Nope, I am 47.\" Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies, \"I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. Although, when I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your boobs. Then I can tell exactly how old you are.\" They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, \"What the hell, go ahead.\" The old man slips both hands up her shirt under her bra, and begins to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, \"Okay, okay, how old am I?\" He removes his hands and says, \"You are 47.\" Stunned the woman says, \"That is amazing. How did you know?\" The old man replies, \"I was behind you in line at McDonald's.\" 
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A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients. However, a little voice in his head said lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ... This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...
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Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
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