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Savron Teraskar

I'm frustrated.
I'm currently sitting here, trying to start working on a project of mine.
That's why I am frustrated - trying to begin working is all I do.
I don't start. Ever. Instead I get distracted by absolutely everything.

Because I don't actually dare to start.
I don't dare to because I fear failing.

That's my problem... My bane. It's name is rampant perfectionism.
It's the reason why I cannot actually do anything that's important to me
or things which I am talented in.

The things I am talented in are also the things
which are of a high importance to me.
And because of this they are the things I fear to fail in most.

So I only actually do things I am not very talented in
or mere time-wasters.
They aren't that important to me, so I don't mind failure as much.
Also lacking talent allows me to not notice my mistakes so strongly
in these endeavors.

That's why I spend so much time doing electronics and programming.
These are fields in which maths minded logical,
facts based thinker types excel.
Traits which are not among my strengths.
Quite the opposite, when it comes to maths.
Also it's useful I can repair broken stuff which
saves me quite a bit of money.

And that's the reason why I do them even though
I know I'm not really talented in these areas,
so my perfectionism does not come out as strongly.
This allowed me to work with this stuff for years
without getting discouraged.
And so I got enough practice in to do stuff
quite a lot of people find impressive.
Shows how much practice and finding creative ways
around hard problems (Maths :P) is able to compensate
for a lack of talent.

But when it comes to things that are really important to me,
my perfectionism will not only throw sand in my gears
but bury them under rocks and freaking mountains.

The most important thing to me is actually
my rich and colorful inner world.
So the skills that I would like learn most lie in ways
which would allow me to express this to the outer world.

Like drawing, music or writing.
That's also where my talents lie, judging from the speed
I progressed the few times I tried.
At least compared to how long I took to actually do anything useful
with maths heavy electronics or programming.

But you would never see any indication of this when watching me.
Because I absolutely cannot show this to anyone.
If I tried I would only lock up in anxiety, fearing failure.

And having some talent only adds to this problem.
My eye to detail will let me see every little error I make when practicing.
Now anyone would very likely think that's a good thing -
noticing your errors allows you to correct them and become better.
Not with me, though.
I will notice my failures and become discouraged
before even completing a single practice piece
and then will not dare to try again for months.

Even worse, I will get completely blocked when anyone can see
or hear what I am doing and I won't be able to do
the simplest things anymore.
Like stage fright on overdrive when there's even a chance
anyone could witness my work.

There were only a few cases when people witnessed me
doing stuff without me knowing who then even complimented me on it.
But that made it worse.
I would get embarrassed because I did not think I was any good
and my fear of people witnessing what I am doing got even worse.
So practicing rarely turned to practicing almost never.

No wrong ideas - I'm not really good in any of these things yet
at the moment, for a simple lack of practice.
But rationally, the amount of progress I made in some things
with almost no practice shows that I could get pretty good
in these areas if I put in some time.
But sadly rational thinking does not seem to have much influence
on my decisions.
If I don't do something absolutely stunning on my first try
my perfectionism will make me think I am worthless at it.

So I will focus on things where I don't mind being bad.
Things which just aren't that important to me.
And I will be unhappy.
Because only doing stuff you don't care about much
is just so incredibly unsatisfying.

Worse, if I ever have to do something publicly
I will unconsciously sabotage myself.
I do so even while writing this post.
I know people can read it, so I cannot just let my thoughts flow
from my mind as they come.
Instead I will rummage around in my mind how
I can phrase stuff differently, be more precise and leave
no chance for misinterpretation.
So my writing becomes a bloated mess with all metaphor
and picturesque language cut out and will resemble anything
but spontaneous sharing of thoughts.

So what shall I do?
How can one overcome crippling perfectionism?
Should I just focus on doing more stuff that doesn't matter much to me,
so failing doesn't hurt as much?

I don't know, really.
Currently I oscillate between trying to overcome my limitations,
focusing on trying to do stuff anyways and just giving up.
Trying is very hard and I rarely have the willpower to do it anymore,
being fed up with my inner critics throwing doodie at me
for every little mistake I make.

But still I try, every now and then.
That's the whole reason for this post -
I'm trying to kick my perfectionism in it's teeth
and deliberately put out something where people can see,
even if my stomach cramps up at the thought of people reading it.

Even when I'm really frustrated with it and my mind screams at me
that it's to bloated, has to many repetitions, is boring to read -
which is actually the fault of my perfectionism that makes me edit
out anything interesting - and doesn't interest anyone anyways.

But it's a start. A very rocky one but a start nonetheless.
Now if I could just get to that point with my project...
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Hey there,

I didn't post in a long time now.
Actually I didn't do much at all in a long time now.

The following will probably seem to come out of nowhere for anyone who does not know me personally, as I usually do not post about my mental state.
But as this blog will probably only be read by myself and a few friends anyways I don't think that will be much of a problem.

Last year has been pretty much blah-tastic, so to say.
I've probably never been more unproductive in my life.
If it weren't for the regular RP sessions I did with friends, I probably would've just sat there for months, admiring the intricacies of wallpaper patterns.

And then I was sitting there, thinking about the pointlessness of it all.
And it got worse.

What, pray tell, could be more unsettling than sitting on your ass all day long staring at walls and ceiling?

Well, running around agitatedly while my inner critics ( )
went crazy in my head proved to do the job just fine.
At the same time my sleep patterns and working memory went totally batshit too - like a cherry on this pile of bull...

Yesterday it got out of control again... Something I had hoped to never live through again after the alcoholic ladden stupor it turned into last year.
I was together with friends, starting out ok but quickly getting worked up about the wonkyness of my memory, like forgetting the beginning of a sentence when I reached it's end.
With my tendency to compare myself to others I was quickly starting to see this as a sign of me being completely out of place and not up to par to anyone there.
Just as my inner critics were about to succeed in convincing me of my complete undeservingness und unworthyness of... pretty much anything... something curious happened.

I noticed someting quite unusual this time around (compared to the countless times this has happened before).
In the tonal vortex of my inner criticisms there was something strange, something that's not been there before.
Starting as a diffuse feeling then getting progressively more and more prominent until I could make it's message out quite clearly.
Looks like there's a new voice in town - talking even louder than the critics.
And most unusually... It's constructive and helpful?
Completely undermining my ability to wallow in my unworthyness for longer times?
How did that happen?

Apparently it's got something to do with my recent progress in understanding who I actually am (Together with much appreciated input and help from my friends, for which I am eternally grateful).
This is quite a curious development for sure.
Up until recently my inability to know myself was quite a striking feature of my personality, comparable only to my inability to create RP Characters I didn't find repulsive up from the point they came up in my head (I get the feeling the two are related somehow).

In any case it proved to be an invaluable ally in getting over this bout of self-loathing so blazingly fast it stunned myself.

Now then I should probably enjoy myself feeling only mildly strange today, when past experience tells me I would normally be holed up in my room by now,
hiding from the world.

Quite a curious development in any way - I wonder where it will lead to?
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ACTA Protest in Bielefeld was a great success.
Marched with over 2000 others despite the freezing temperatures scraping the double digit negs.
Over 120,000 people went to the streets in germany alone, with tens of thousands more all over europe.
Now the politicians finally got the proof that people under 40 DO care about politics (They always said, younger people didn't care about politics, when it was just that they couldn't identify with the old, stuck up political parties).

Huge thanks to everyone else who went out yesterday :) ( Of course their counts are off - official police estimates of number of protesters: )
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Oh how nice.
My electric window lifter froze and is now broken.
Of course the window is stuck in the open position and I cannot get it up again...

More unexpected expenses. great...
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Roof is almost done now, only some air vents are still missing.
Though they cannot attach them now, as it's -10C and they removed their scaffolding a bit to early and don't want to risk slipping when stepping onto the tiles :3

Still missing inside is smoothing and painting the walls, sanding the beams and filling in the missing piece of floor.
And some other things like finally insulating the leaky boxes on top of the windows...

Also the mailman just stopped next to me while I was out taking the pictures and asked why the roof took so long XD
Apparently he wants to also get his own redone and fears having to pay the scaffolding for such a long time (Good thing it was included in the price for us).

In other news: Finally got the inet connection upgraded to 2MBit/s - still slow but double of what I had before.
But I'm still a bit peeved, knowing a multi-gigabit/s truss of fibre runs almost right next to my house...
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Nice start into the day, sitting in front of the computer and pushing the power-button - without the expected whirring of fans setting in...

After making sure power was there and pulling all plugs beside power, with it still not doing anything, I groaned and knew an unexpected maintenance would be in order.
Noticed the power LED an the motherboard was flashing quickly in low intensity.
Tried pulling all cables to the motherboard except the ATX header, but still no dice.
Got a low powered spare PSU for testing and the light turned steady green and the fans started whirring when pushing the button.
I didn't have a spare that could handle the whole system including GPU running, so I sighed and pulled out the PSU, heating up the soldering iron.

Long story short... It's working again, whew... Saved another 1XX Euros for a new >= 750W PSU.

If you're an electronics geek, I've attached some photos of the beast's innards :3
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My tiredness is really getting out of hand lately.
Maybe I should check my family tree, if there's any bears in there - it seems my bio-rhythms include a hibernation phase...

I've broken my 16 hour sleep record this week - not sure if I should be proud of that...
Also missed an appointment with my doc today because of it.
Had one at 11:45 and had to get up at 10:45 to make it.
Had my alarm wake me at 10:40 and decided to relax "just a few more minutes...".
Opened my eyes again and the clock said 11:45.
"Perfect, time to get up" I thought, just before the sticky greased wheels in my head set into a slow, sickly motion "wait a minute... Why does it say 11 suddenly?"
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In more pleasant news: Attended "Welle: Erdball"-concert Saturday.
Didn't even know the band before and was quite pleasantly surprised.

Especially the songs they played at the second half really got my mood up and even made me dance a bit, even though I was sober (Normally I only dance when either drunk or in fursuit).

Only the stuff they played right at the beginning was a bit weird. (Volksmusik, WTF?)
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Exactly THAT (,7056.html ) problem.

Also they didn't fix the issue; my keyboard is of a later production run than the listed serial numbers and still affected...
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Also thank you Razer, for creating a keyboard whose keys stop working every time I write longer texts or which get stuck in some weird way in firmware and cause my character to constantly turn around his own axis when trying to play a game...

Only way to fix is to reboot, cut power and wait a few minutes, before starting again... Only for it to happen again after a while.

Writing this with handwriting recognition on my trusty Intuos 3 tablet from Wacom, at least one thing which works :P
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