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Normando Flores
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The Saga of how I met Dave Peterson(formerly known as Leandro Jenkins)



So there he was all powerful, just standing looking at Stronev sleeping, he wants to wake him up without scaring him, he doesn't want to shake the shit out of him so Dave Peterson head butts the airplane, immediately knocking it over! Stronev wakes up like a pissed off Wolverine, walks over and licks Peterson's knee caps. Gorbachev is still sleeping, Peterson walks over and kicks him in the face, he is a grown man, and plus he is Russian, they love this kind of shit. Gorbachev rolls around, Dave grabs him by the hair and starts dunking his head in a puddle of water.  He holds his head until Gorbachev stops kicking, pulls his face out and slaps him a few times. They do this for about 33 mins. Peterson finally stands him up,  the thing about Russians is, they don't like doing things the easy way. They invented Vodka to keep themselves hydrated, this is their form of water, this was the way Gorbachev would be awakened by his mother.  Gorbachev picks up his sledgehammer and they start walking towards the Berlin Wall.

http://www.algonet.se/~giljotin/bilder/b_mur7.jpg

The trio keeps walking, a bird has a stroke while flying and lands on Dave's shoulder, Peterson is devastated, he falls down to his knees and punches the ground, in North Carolina Dave Herwig is having trouble completing an exorcism, you see guys, back then when you joined the army, this was the test to see if you could jump out of airplanes.  Dave Peterson's punch trembled the earth enough to get the demons out of this poor little girl named January, she also got a nasty case of diarrhea, she projectiled her poopy everywhere except on Dave Herwig, perhaps that's why his nickname was Dave the Bullet Dodger, but more on that when I was in Vietnam.  Dave the Bullet Dodger is successful with his exorcism, so now they begin training him on how to jump out of the sky.  Dave Peterson is crying so hard he is causing erosions in Germany, but he doesn't care, Gorbachev hits him in the face with the sledgehammer and they have the most amazing monologue ever witnessed in the history of monologues by mankind.

GORBACHEV: Hey Get up, we have a wall to knock down!

PETERSON: Yeah, you're right.

Both men get up and start walking towards the wall, Stronev is crawling on all fours, gets up and walks, he is changing it up just to keep his life interesting.  This is where variety is invented, people would not do anything to change up their lives before this incident.  They are soon surrounded by German soldiers, they don't say anything to each other, all of the soldiers are just having a staring contest with Dave Peterson, the last one to look away is a stupid looking one, this is 20 mins later, Dave has not blinked all of this time. Gorbachev sits down and fixes his shoes, they had a hole on the bottom of the sole. Stronev was bored, so Peterson began to sing this song, that you can all guess, he didn't copyright.

I Want to know what love is - Foreigner

Martians in space stop and look towards earth, they give us a moment of silence.  Dave's voice is beautiful, the German soldiers are crying, some of them have even stripped down to their tighty-whities, it was quiet a sight, I am glad I was there. Stronev all of this time is slowly shaving a guys head, a lieutenant walks up and gives Dave a piggy back ride for a block almost. Dave jumps off of his back and starts walking on his hands and yells to the lieutenant.

PETERSON: Jump on my legs and I'll give you a ride to the wall, I have strong feet anyway.

LIEUTENANT: I'll use your legs like bicycle handle bars to guide you to the wall.

The lieutenant has his feet on Dave's armpits and is holding on to his feet, he is standing behind Dave, but on him.  The lieutenant would pull Peterson's right foot back and push his left foot forward when he wants him to turn left. I hope this makes sense, they could have just both walked but that would be normal, Dave Peterson wanted some variety in his life. Gorbachev is carry Stronev in his arms like a little baby, Peterson is still singing "I want to know what love is" it didn't have a title back then, he was composing it as he sang it.  He then remembered a song one of his good ol' friends taught him to play the bass on.

The Police - Every Breath You Take

That's right Sting and Dave, or should I say Leandro, went way back, The Police was playing at Leandro's wedding the day he left to go find his best man. Dave kept singing this song as he would play "Air Bass" Stronev was dancing he was moving his hips so hard, he was making a cold front.  My god it was beautiful, it was like a song you did not want to end, so Dave didn't end it quickly, he sang it 5 more times.  Gorbachev  would use the sledgehammer to drum the beat, they were now at the wall, Gorbachev would hit different parts of the wall to get the different drum sounds.  You know, bass drum, snare, crash and ride symbols, I don't want to get all scientific on y'all, y'all get my drift.  Stronev would make the piano sound with his lips, he would hit his back and stomach to make the guitar sound, somehow Dave Peterson had acquired an upright bass like the one Sting is playing in the song, and of course Dave Peterson was singing.  He even combed his hair and dressed up like Sting.  The Germans had no idea they were supposed to protect the wall, the music was oh so good, they didn't care, Gorbachev hammers even harder if possible, when Peterson sings the part at 1:23, 

PETERSON:  "Since you're gone, I've been lost without a trace. . . ." 

So much craziness was going on in the world, lions were friends with zebras, fish were living in the desert, gazelles were walking upright like humans, Fruit flies were living for months at a time.  God Damn, Dave Peterson can sing.  And the wall is completely knocked down by the time they are on the song the third time around.

 

To be continued, you are God Damn right it's gonna be continued, I haven't met him yet. . . . . .

#PetersonSaga 07/16
/2013
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The Saga of how I met Dave Peterson(formerly known as Leandro Jenkins)



Dave Peterson(formerly known as Leandro Jenkins) gets up from doing the worm, these were early versions of planking with movement, only back then we didn't make a big deal about little things like this, you see back then we didn't want overnight fame like most of you motherfuckers reading this. Obviously Dave Peterson(formerly known as Leandro Jenkins) didn't want fame, he had invented most of these modern gadgets you  guys use at home. He stood up in front of an actor you might know, he went by the name of Ronald Reagan, he coincidentally happened to be our President. Dave Peterson(formerly known as Leandro Jenkins) asks him some questions.

DAVE: Hey God Damn it, look over here, I'm trying to start a conversation!

RONALD: Yes Sir, how can I help you?

DAVE: Aren't the property taxes really high around this area?

RONALD: Why, yes they are.

DAVE: Why don't we move this bitch over to where they are not as high?

RONALD: We would but the machinery and cost would be too much.

DAVE:  Don't worry about it, I'll get it done, like Greg!

RONALD: Who's Greg?

DAVE: This really good contractor I know.

RONALD: If you can, and you don't mind, go for it, we could really use the help.

http://youtu.be/Z2SuXr9QCDs

They both shook hands and Peterson jumped on it, also, back then, the govt. didn't go through all of this paperwork we go through today, times were simpler, a handshake was as good as a signed contract.  Peterson was done pushing the building all the way over from Annapolis MD to Washington D.C. where the Nation's Capitol is currently located. 

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_4X_iD2aoO3o/SdDa_AzoIqI/AAAAAAAAEpU/6ZoDoejhnuY/s400/071007-national-capitol-washington-dc.jpg

He was really tired and hungry so he went into the forest, finds a sleeping deer, rips it apart, starts a fire, then slowly roasts the meat.
                    
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v162/Tim4Trout/deaddeer12-21-02.jpg


It was delicious, he made a thick looking tortilla, which now is the common name for a pita, he puts the delicious deer meat in the pita and makes the "Gyro" but doesn't patent it, so the Greeks would later claim that they made this new food.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/4/40/Gyros_C5878.jpg/225px-Gyros_C5878.jpg

http://content.costco.com/Images/Content/Product/209531_vb.jpg

They didn't though, later on Peterson gathers 15 Greeks in a New York alley and kicks them in the mouth, making them admit their lie, but more on that later.  He is finished moving the Nation's Capitol and walks over to the White House and sees President Reagan, The President says hi and asks how they can repay him for his favor. Dave Peterson tells him that he is unemployed and needs a job. They have a conversation.

PRESIDENT: Would you like to be a spy for the US?

DAVE: I am good at everything, and I do mean everything.

PRESIDENT: You have the job son!

DAVE: Wait Ronald, what made you go with me? What convinced you that I am good enough?

PRESIDENT: Well, you just pushed a building for 30 miles, I figure you can probably do anything.

DAVE: Well not to brag, but I don't know of anyone else that can do that Ronnie. Thanks again for the job, what is it that you want me to do?

PRESIDENT: There is this wall in Berlin, I need you to knock it down, but also we have a Cold War, we need to end that first.
Before you find Michael Vick, go to the Soviet Union, find Mikhail Gorbachev, slap some sense into him, take him to East Berlin, and tell him to help you knock the wall down. I hear he is good with a sledgehammer.  

http://a.mp-farm.com/a/500x450.watermarks/0/10992.jpg

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mikhail_Gorbachev

President Reagan gave Dave Peterson 2 sledgehammers, a lunchbox full of ham and cheese sandwiches, shook his hand and told him good bye. He had an airplane ready for him. Peterson was so happy he didn't have to run, swim, or dance to get there like he had in the past. Peterson got on the plane and told the pilot to go to Cupertino, CA. He stopped by Steve Job's house, dropped off another iPod he had made from Iron and Aluminum and told him to fix it.  He then got on the airplane puts on Billy Jean by Michael Jackson and does the Moonwalk until they arrive to the Soviet Union.

http://youtu.be/see_H45a13M



#PetersonSaga 06/24
/2013
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Normando Flores

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Here is a little vine I did with the help of John P, and by help, I mean, he directed, shot, and edited it, God Bless America, Window tinting and stereo installation are the backbone of America.
https://vine.co/v/hutb2baHuPl
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Normando Flores

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OK my little Mathematicians, after a long dorment sleep, I give you the Peterson Saga 
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Normando Flores

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My little Mathematicians I have been dorment, mighty Kong shall awake tonight, I will continue the #DavePetersonSaga. As a wise man once said to me. "When life gives you lemons, you say Fuck It, and bail" and he was so right. I don't have time to stick around and make lemonade. 
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Normando Flores

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The Saga of how I met Dave Peterson(formerly known as Leandro Jenkins)



So there he was, standing tall, sexy, the only way Leandro knows how to stand.  He was staring at the dead carcass of the Tiger he had just defeated in battle.  He felt he owed him some respect, so he did, he made a tiger skin thong, stripped down naked, then put the thong on and walked. Leandro decided that if he was to die, he wanted to look good.  He had waited long enough, it was time for his epic battle. so Leandro had to prepare.  He started doing push ups and sit-ups at the same time, he started sweating profusely, he did this for 14 hours straight nonstop. Leandro was ready for anything. He did not have to wait that long, a 14 foot tall Silver Back Gorilla, he brought along a family of Chimpanzees to be his spectators.  The silver back started hitting the ground with its fists, power was lost all throughout the US of A, and Kuni Kin Tan Tay's wifi tower powered up and Verizon began to offer internet service in the United States.  A few trees fell, nothing major.  The chimp family began to clap and make noises.

Leandro started pounding his chest, he then started speaking to the silver back.

Leandro:  Are you my taxi ride to heaven?

Immediately the silverback charged Leandro, punched him in the mouth, flipped Leandro on his back and started using his back as a snare drum. Blood immediately started coming out of Leandro's mouth. 

Could this be the end of Leandro Jenkins as we know? Of course not, I have not gotten to the point where I met him. What are you guys thinking?  Leandro was smiling as he was bleeding internally, he looked up and a baby chimp was crying, the chimp could not speak, but he gave Leandro a look of disappointment, the chimp was disappointed that Leandro was not trying, this was not the way of the jungle. Leandro started feeling a bad ora. He got up as he was getting punched in the face and in the hamstrings simultaneously, the silver back was biting his right ear. Leandro spit out some more blood, by this time, he had lost a barrel of it. He started bucking trying to knock the gorilla off of his back. He could not, the gorilla had a good grip of the thong with his right foot. Leandro bit the gorilla in one of its sides, the gorilla lost its grip, then they both started punching each other in the face like the two great warriors that they are.  Two days passed, they both fell to the ground and Leandro pulled himself over to the gorilla and laid on top of it.  They were both exhausted, Leandro asked him if he gave up, the gorilla nodded "NO".  Leandro then then pulled a Dr. Pepper out of his thong, opened it and started drinking it as he would punch the gorilla in the ear, and with his other hand he would tickle it in its armpit. The gorilla tapped out, Leandro got up to his feet and helped the gorilla up. The baby chimp ran up to Leandro, hugged and kissed him, Leandro through the little chimp, killing him instantly, he felt bad, he had forgotten how powerful he was, but he felt good that his thong was still intact. 

To be continued next Monday of course

#PetersonSaga
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Normando Flores

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The Saga of Dave Peterson(formerly known as Leandro Jenkins)
continued from last Monday.

Leandro had walked continuously for 8 days, moonwalked 7 nights, then tiptoed into the Congo at 11:59 p.m. on the 7th night.  He was nervous, he was thinking “What if the Silverback Gorilla is a disappointment and does not kill him.” Leandro was sleepless, he just sat there and waited for the unexpected.  And the unexpected did happen, as he was trying to sleep, he would imagine himself in heaven, a place where humans are getting ripped apart by gorillas, then later tossed to the T-Rexes, then the remains thrown to swim with Killer Whales.  He was smiling for the 4th time since the incident, now in his sleep.  He heard a quite sound in the jungle, a caterpillar hiccupped, but he just laid there waiting anxiously for his death wish.  All of a sudden a Siberian Tiger landed right in front of Leandro.
http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRJ1eX-4hek8ZUJbfNsBfGxXMnMkFTLuMBwjrFpSsPvXL2pIawZRgzdCVpQjg

The tiger clawed Leandro repeatedly in the face, they both then started wrestling and every now and then, Leandro would bite the Tiger in the shoulder just to give it confidence.  The Tiger kept clawing and Leandro bled a gallon of blood.  The Tiger eventually dehydrated and fell down to the ground with no strength left.  The both had a beautiful dialogue scene. Here it goes.

Tiger:  You realize, every footprint you leave in the ground is just a symbol of a corpse you leave behind you in your journey?
Leandro:  What would you know Tiger?
Tiger:  I know that Michael Vick was your best man, and that he did something so bad, that Satan himself got sick to his stomach, and had diarrhea for a week, and why the hell are you friends with him?
Leandro: He is nice to me, and he bakes the best Banana bread I’ve ever tasted.
Tiger:  What did you see in there?
Leandro:  I don’t want to remember.
Tiger:  Whatever you seek you will not find on this journey, you will need to go to Tibet to cleanse that supersized-Sexy but dirty body of yours.  Only the monks there can help you, they will cleanse you and give you a name, a foreign name at that.  They will need to have a sacrifice done when you leave, 5 monks will have to die. It is the only way though, no Gorilla on this earth can kill you, don’t even dream of it. My time here is done Leandro, it was an honor fighting a true warrior. I will see you in a later life, Dante.

The tiger then died of dehydration, its ribs were bleeding  from it clawing so fast and so much, nothing in this world is made to work with such intensity  for 4 hours straight non-stop. Leandro waited, he was anxious to prove the tiger wrong, he could find death by the hands of a Silverback Gorilla, after all they are the single most cause of death amongst humans in the world.  Aren’t they? It was quite, the longest night Leandro had ever had, he timed it, and it was night for 26 hours. In the meantime, 9 eleven was happening in New York, a lot of time had passed since Leandro had built the first WiFi tower, back in the town where little Twig had been stretched and named Kuni-Kin-Tan-Tay, or Kuni-Kin-Tan-Tey, I don’t remember how I spelled it.
Leandro was down on his knees looking up at the stars wondering. Will Dante be my new name? That sounded too American, it was not foreign enough, he did not like it. At this point he would even settle for a Mexican name like Renato.  He was excited about finding death in the Congo, just to avoid a trip to Tibet. You can’t take a taxi there, plus there are no white girls in Tibet, he shares the same passion as Mark Zamora.

To be continued next Monday  . . . . .
of course.

#PetersonSaga
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Oh Leland, you know it. You're back and you know it.
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Normando Flores

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Sorry it took me so long my little plussing mathematicians, but here it comes.
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Normando Flores

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Billy Joel - Uptown Girl  picture @MrMarkZamora as Billy Joel, and Emma Stone as the uptown girl, I'm the guy at 14 secs, working that ratchet like Obama said that will become illegal the next day. God Bless America!
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The Saga of how I met Dave Peterson(formerly known as Leandro Jenkins

Dave Peterson had gotten his tongue ring, and it was beautiful, it was gold for the most part, but some parts were green, the locals had used up a lot of the gold, and the rest was green from parts they took from a green Lamborghini that was just lying around.  Dave Peterson did not like his skin so on the way back he started to drink a lot of Armor All.  It did make his skin very shiny, and Olivia Wilde is still waiting for Leandro Jenkins at the alter, are Mel Gibson's pork chops still the best?  Some time has passed since Dave Peterson was doing the Electrical Slide from Los Angeles all the way down to Texas, from the first WiFi tower he had built in Africa, Dave Peterson was full of hope, he was on the way to New York, he entered the US of A swimming, the way he had left the country. He was in Florida and needed money to eat.  He started a towing business to get in shape and make money quickly.  He didn't have a vehicle, so he was the tow truck.  He charged extra for pulling broken down truck drivers with loaded trucks.  He kept drinking Armor All, and his skin was still impeccable, his calf muscles had strengthened again so there he was at the horse track betting on himself and making money hand over fist. Dave Peterson got in a fight with a priest, the priest was pissed off that he had bet all of the church's money on a black stallion and lost it.  He went up to Dave Peterson and started talking shit.

Priest:  Hey Idiot, you think God favors those that can outrun horses?!

Peterson:  No, why would he?

Priest:  It doesn't matter, I can kick your shiny ass, you bully, how dare you run amongst horses, you are standing up right, while they are on all fours, of course you are gonna outrun them. Why don't you run like them, race on their terms, not yours?!

The priest spit in his own hand then slapped Dave in the face, a kitten somewhere in California died of a heart attack.  Dave Peterson was furious, but he remembered what the Dalai Lama had told him. Dave Peterson then kicked the priest in the ribs, he did not consider this to be violence, just a warning. The priest started to bleed out of all the cavities in his body, it started to concern him when he started bleeding out of his armpits. But calling 911 did not exist back then, so guess who invented it and didn't patent it? That's right, Dave Peterson, he went into the priests office, opened up a computer and started programming, got on the phone and called the police station, implemented emergency calling, hung up, dialed 9-1-1, and it worked.  He sold this great idea to the Florida police department for 1.2 hundred dollars. Oh the police department was happier than a pedophile subbing a Kindergarden class, the priest was in the fetal position, his face was red and he was crying, Dave told him he didn't enjoy disciplining people, but if somebody wrote him a check, he would cash it.  He began to pour gasoline everywhere, the priest then yelled

Priests: No my son, do not choose violence, it is never the correct path!

Dave: Who is choosing violence, I am choosing to make you stronger, you just need a little push!

Priests: What are you talking about?!

Dave Peterson was a little annoyed by his voice, so he then took his sock off, shoved it in the priest's mouth, then used a whole role of duct tape on his mouth.  He pulls out a bull-whip from his back pocket, takes his shirt off, pulls out a Zippo lighter, strikes it then drops it on the ground.  The room is immediately engulfed in flames, Dave begins to whip the priest as he yells

DAVE: AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I SHALL MAKE YOU FASTER AND STRONGER, NOW CRAWL MY SON, JUST GO BACK TO BASICS, AND CRAWL, LIKE WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The priest crawled out of the fire.  Peterson then got a large crowd to take their pants off and piss all over the place, they extinguished the fire in about 8 seconds and the place stunk to no end.  The priest is breathing heavily through his nose, Peterson chews the duct tape off.

PRIEST: Thank you father, ever since Bangladesh, I swore to never crawl again, what those people made me say and do is unforgettable, gambling was my escape, and you have cured me of it.

DAVE: Here take this money and help your people and yourself, don't gamble my son, it is not good for the heart or the ribs.

PRIEST: Thank you father, from here on out I will crawl everywhere.

DAVE: Just do this, it will shave off time, and you look cool doing it.

Dave Peterson laid face down on the ground and did the worm all the way to Washington D.C.

 


#PetersonSaga 06/23/2013 
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The Saga of how I met Dave Peterson(formerly known as Leandro Jenkins

So the big moment had come, there he was sitting anxiously waiting to get his new name, Leandro Jenkins asked to get a foreign sounding name. He wanted something "fresh" would his new name be Kxjhxaleb, would the name be Persian? He was so anxious, so the Dalai Lama had been in a tent smoking some weird shit, it had been at least 17 hours since he had locked himself in and started smoking it up.  Leandro was losing his patience so he ate a 4 year-old kid, no barbecue sauce, didn't even cook him. The Dalai Lama little guy finally came out of the tent.

Dalai Lama:  "Everybody shut the hell up, I've got an announcement to make, but first somebody play Faithfully by Journey.

http://youtu.be/OMD8hBsA-RI


Some little Asian kid picked up boom box, put the cassette in and hit the play button, everybody except Leandro Jenkins started crying, camels were grunting in the background. Oh it was majestic, a lady fainted then levitated, and nobody questioned it.

Dalai Lama: I have found you a name my son, my giant super sized, that destroys everything in site, makes beautiful music, then makes the world better, the world you have just destroy, you make it better with your inventions.

Leandro Jenkins: What it is?(in an anxious voice)

Stranger: DON'T INTERRUPT HIM, DUMBASS!

Leandro slaps the stranger, killing him instantly.

Dalai Lama: I now name you Dave Peterson! You will no longer wonder the world nameless and soulless, you life will now have purpose, my beautiful killing machine.

Dave Peterson's eyes now had the little bright spot that everyone else who is alive has.

Dave Peterson:  I wanted something foreign, that sounds a little too American, I wanted something that sounds middle easternish, hell, I'll even settle for Renato. It's not that I hate Mexicans, I just don't like them.

Dalai Lama:  I am so sorry my son, once I give a name, I cannot un-give it. The higher powers would rather I die, than to un-name someone. My next order to you is, to go to New York, find a character named Michael Vick, and purge him of his evil ways. Do this without the use of violence, violence is not necessary, but damn, it sure is fun.

Dave Peterson:  I will master, and thank you for giving me a name, you have now cured me, I was a soulless, nameless, STD factory walking around spreading the silky deliciousness everywhere. I had no hope or dreams, I was just looking for death, in all the wrong places. I shall do as you wish.

Dave Peterson then gave the Dalai Lama a small blue device that the Japanese would take credit for inventing, it will later be called a Playstation 3, also he gave him the first Wireless Hotspot. Dave never thought to patent these little devices that help him on his trips. He took his tiger-skin thong and gave it to the Dalai Lama, he began to cry as he remembered all of the fallen heroes/warriors that it took to make this journey possible.  All of the corpses and little Dr. Peppers that marked his footsteps.  Dave Peterson had gained a lot of life lessons, but now his eyeline was set to New York. He would start his journey the next day, tonight he was set on getting a tongue ring!

#PetersonSaga 06/20/2013 
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Kills stranger with one slap. Gotta love it! 
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Normando Flores

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No Wonder he is known as the most interesting man in the world, he is so righteous, if that's how you spell it.
 
So you really think it's cute to post your pic making a duck face?
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Yes, and we can't blame them, you are interesting and savvy.
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Survived NAM, helped start up a few fast food chains, and websites
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