I was shopping for household sundries, at the store of course, in public. My fly was open the whole time. Only, it wasn’t just open, but WIDE open, as if each side was being pulled apart by invisible fingers. Add to this the the fact that I was wearing black pants and bright red boxers and you have eye-catching contrast. Additionally, my penis was poking out, albeit covered in bright red fabric, but still. It was POKING OUT.
Everybody was staring at me as I pushed my cart around the store, but I figured it was just because I am a gorgeous man with a kick ass beard and big brown come hither eyes. Slowly, I pushed that cart, leaning on it really, as I wandered around and got the stuff on my list, plus a few other things besides. Eventually, in the pasta aisle, a store security guard approached me and said “You can’t walk around here like that.”
"Like that." He pointed at my crotch, but I didn’t notice that’s what he was pointing at. I thought it was just a general pointing.
"Hey, man," I said. "Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful."
"Put the mouse back in the house or take it outside."
I looked down then and quite literally gasped. Well, ‘gasp’ is a good, writerly word to use for what I did. Really, though, there is no word in English for the sound I made, a sort of guttural cough mingled with the words “What the holy fuck?”. In retrospect, it sounded like Klingon.
Quickly, I shoved my junk back in my pants and zipped up. I apologized and the security guard said I could finish my shopping. He wanted me to know, however, that I would be watched constantly through the store’s security cameras because “There’s kids in here, for Christ’s sake!”
I didn’t finish shopping. I was too embarrassed and left my cart and all my stuff right there in the pasta aisle. I fled the store, never to return again. I went home, changed clothes, and burned the bright red boxers in a clearing I had made in the yard. I sat nearby with a jug of water for fire safety reasons, weeping bitterly and shaking a fist at the sky.