14 Ways to annoy an Anti-Tolkien
1: Insult them in Elvish. Do not offer translations.
2: Tell them they’ll end up just like Denethor. Refuse to tell them what happened to Denethor.
3: Threaten to feed them to Shelob. Laugh evilly when they ask who Shelob is.
4: Quote Gandalf. Constantly. No matter how irrelevant the quotes are.
5: Say, "I would cut off your head for that, if it stood but a little higher from the ground" every time they insult LOTR/The Hobbit.
6: Play ‘LOTR in 99 seconds’ on a loop whenever they are around.
7: Walk barefoot all day. Say that you are getting in touch with your inner Hobbit.
8: Demand an explanation of why they dislike ‘the masterpieces of the esteemed Professor’ every time you see them.
9: Whenever they suggest doing something, refute it by saying, "One does not simply (insert verb here)".
10: Hum the Shire theme incessantly.
11: Whenever a plane flies overhead, shriek, "Wraiths! Wraiths on wings!" and go hide in a closet.
12: Base all English essays on the Lord of the Rings books or movies.
13: Constantly ask them what their elf eyes see.
14: Talk like Gollum.