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Teh Beej
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190 followers
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My my my this time I spend writing is helpful for the times my mouth does not move. This is not an excuse to just write and write and write, it is my way of speaking to those who are not here. by that I mean all the times I spend away fro m people. I have found out that I do need to be around people in general, this face has helped me so much. I know that I am not abnormal for not talking to people, it was just a reflection of those who I was around. If I was around people who were not as out going as I wish to be, then i was not as out going. This does not reflect well on me, but at the same time I need to know when I am acting in a certain way, and when I am just being a idiot.

Ciao
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I am surprised to be wanting to talk so soon again, but when you use to do this, it can become nice to say something that only the winds can hear.
There are stories that I say that are not stories they are my life. Pieces of me that I share over and over again, like a Record being played at a party. So when i hear storytellers tell a story I want to tell them, you are telling me your life. Story feels as though it has wiggle room to be fiction, and when someone's life is being told, they want to tell you the truth. Yes there are those who believe in bending the events to be favorable to themselves, but those are the true storytellers. People who know how to tell a story, because they don't know what their real lives are.
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Holy moly It has been a while since I decided to grab my thoughts and pick them down on some sort of medium, so here we go.

There are moments that grab the mind and stick there until you recognize them. Yes we can ignore items of our mind with whatever excuse we want to use at the time. But it is still there, still in stuck to us, existing in our space. I have several of these "things" stuck to me that I carry around, and what surprises me more than anything is the fact that so many things and yet I don't just fall over with the weight of it all. My life has been about understanding all that I could, but the more I searched the more I loved what I learned, and the more I wanted to have what was around me to be apart of my everyday life. Thus the reason why I would practice breathing techniques from yoga, but I do it while dead lifting 280 pounds. I am far for done with my life, and as such i will continue to find new things to attach to myself. hopefully I will have enough time to write them all down before I forget.

Ciao
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Pardon me while I stand up here and speak my mind for the thoughts would not stay put anymore. The desire for silence is only a bit of the blastback left from the hole from which I crawled out of to stand and grow. This destructiveness is to be expected when one closes the door to their own world. A choice to push away things that one use to desire. Now I stand here as the times have changed, again for the lack of our sleep, with a rare chance to breathe. Not to take stock of what is around because the viciousness of my loneliness has made sure that what is mine has not been touched. But to grab what I did not allow myself in my isolation. There are things around me that I want to have. Yes the very human thing to grab at what you did not have before, To stake the claim in MINE! So here I am on this break from my isolation to reach out and have fun? This is not a fun for indulgence for excess, but fun for forgetting what is around you. Those days are much much shorter because they forget about the sunrise, and let the moonrise determine how you live your life. I feel the ramble is coming on, so now is time to experience this life, this life i put aside for time to long.

See you on the other side.
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I was able to conquer that feeling of worthlessness.
I know that once a thought like that creeps into your mind it is always there. I know that I can conquer that notion by taking on the challenges in my everyday life and winning them. It starts with knowing that I am not controlled by someone else's fear. My joy and happiness is my own, not what someone else find happy. This is my life, and who I choose to join me on this ride is mine and mine alone. That is where I was lost, and allowed that feeling of worthlessness take over and bring me down. The strength to stand up and move on from those situations are hard, but not impossible. I am happy to own the item that brought me down. That is mine. It is something I worked for. Something that I can say is an extension of my personality, for as crazy and ridiculous as i am It does matter to me how I feel about the things I own. Because I own them, they do not own me.

Ciao
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i got something new, but it was tainted.
Not the item. The idea of the item was tainted
I guess I finally understand anxiety.
There was something I wanted, something I desired, something I finally was able to afford was within my grasp.
And something else was close to taking away the work that I have put into making me happy.
Then I got the item.
And it felt hollow.
That there is a sense of worthlessness.
What is worse is the fact that you don't know if it is the item that makes you feel worthless, or you are worthless because of your desire for the item.
I have never felt like this in my life.
This is not a cry for help, this is my own form of coping with the situation I am in.
I have been writing since I was in grade school to get thoughts and Ideas onto a medium to allow myself to process what is going on.

Ciao
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"Runner's thoughts"

Chilled alive in this steaming breath
I give to the world the reaction of force and motion
Know the eyes are not covered in tears
That is heaven’s cooling breathe showing me that there is no need to stop.
This push from behind is the goals of yesterday
That reminder that you have done this before
I blink
That involuntary pause between moments the body does as a check of my systems
I pick up from this stop in time to continue with the momentum of today
This reality I make is insanity to others
Some cheer
Others shake their heads.
But I know that there is always more to do
Tomorrow hasn’t come but I will be there to cross off those goals
Today
I just need to cross that finish line.

Beej
12-3-2016
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I have this sense of sadness as the semester comes to an end. Yes this is crazy, but for someone who is returning to college with a lot of information in their head. It is nice to know what was correct and what was false. To be taught something you care about or something you do not know is an amazing feeling, at least for me. So around this time of the year i get sad knowing that this time is coming to an end. This sense of anxiousness as I see inch closer and closer to my goal is what makes me happy, and somehow sad. I am really really loving this journey. The only thing i can compare this to is the end of the Final Fantasy games I have played over my life. This journey with these characters is coming to an end and I will miss this experience. But this time the journey is mine, i write the ending to this adventure across this life. So the sadness of the semester coming to an end is reasonable but I know right now I will love what happens next.
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When give a chance to speak your mind we have to grab those moments and not ramble. Sitting on the sidelines is boring to me. I spent time being in the spotlight and that feeling was thrilling. There is a lot that drives me, and one of those pieces is wanting to be in that spot. I am now applying the knowledge i have learn while not being in school and it is awesome to see the faces of those are left in awe. I love seeing that wonderment of knowing there is something left out there unexplored.

Cynicism is a good thing, in moderation... When the blinders of our personal opinion are thrown to the side and we look at the world as a whole we can see both the beauty and the pain. You cannot ignore the problems but we have to accept that the solution WORK! It causes my blood pressure to rise knowing that people don't talk about the solution. Math is a either a love or hate thing, but math does teach you one thing (besides numbers suck!) that you can find a solution to a problem. Even if the problem is there is no answer. Acknowledgment of the problem is discussed, not the solution to the problem. Yes there are many MANY steps to get to the solution, as presented in math class, but after all of those steps we see the fruits of our labor we should feel good. Can we promote feeling good, and not the negative. Feeling Fear is something we should not feel when we turn on the news.

Beej
9-20-2016
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I still feel like a monster trapped within my skin. This feeling has never gone away. I sit on a pillar of calm burning with the need to release a mob of mist that is just a cover against the anguish of the unknown. There are only a few layers that keep the others away, the others are just what i make up to keep myself safe. Where the peace was, has just moved. Still awake in this ticking second between my breathe i see a chance for the genuine to arise. Language, expression, understanding. When will i give a chance to be understood by speaking. Love

9/10/2016
Beej
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