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Teh Beej
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Pardon me while I stand up here and speak my mind for the thoughts would not stay put anymore. The desire for silence is only a bit of the blastback left from the hole from which I crawled out of to stand and grow. This destructiveness is to be expected when one closes the door to their own world. A choice to push away things that one use to desire. Now I stand here as the times have changed, again for the lack of our sleep, with a rare chance to breathe. Not to take stock of what is around because the viciousness of my loneliness has made sure that what is mine has not been touched. But to grab what I did not allow myself in my isolation. There are things around me that I want to have. Yes the very human thing to grab at what you did not have before, To stake the claim in MINE! So here I am on this break from my isolation to reach out and have fun? This is not a fun for indulgence for excess, but fun for forgetting what is around you. Those days are much much shorter because they forget about the sunrise, and let the moonrise determine how you live your life. I feel the ramble is coming on, so now is time to experience this life, this life i put aside for time to long.

See you on the other side.


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I was able to conquer that feeling of worthlessness.
I know that once a thought like that creeps into your mind it is always there. I know that I can conquer that notion by taking on the challenges in my everyday life and winning them. It starts with knowing that I am not controlled by someone else's fear. My joy and happiness is my own, not what someone else find happy. This is my life, and who I choose to join me on this ride is mine and mine alone. That is where I was lost, and allowed that feeling of worthlessness take over and bring me down. The strength to stand up and move on from those situations are hard, but not impossible. I am happy to own the item that brought me down. That is mine. It is something I worked for. Something that I can say is an extension of my personality, for as crazy and ridiculous as i am It does matter to me how I feel about the things I own. Because I own them, they do not own me.

Ciao

Public
i got something new, but it was tainted.
Not the item. The idea of the item was tainted
I guess I finally understand anxiety.
There was something I wanted, something I desired, something I finally was able to afford was within my grasp.
And something else was close to taking away the work that I have put into making me happy.
Then I got the item.
And it felt hollow.
That there is a sense of worthlessness.
What is worse is the fact that you don't know if it is the item that makes you feel worthless, or you are worthless because of your desire for the item.
I have never felt like this in my life.
This is not a cry for help, this is my own form of coping with the situation I am in.
I have been writing since I was in grade school to get thoughts and Ideas onto a medium to allow myself to process what is going on.

Ciao

"Runner's thoughts"

Chilled alive in this steaming breath
I give to the world the reaction of force and motion
Know the eyes are not covered in tears
That is heaven’s cooling breathe showing me that there is no need to stop.
This push from behind is the goals of yesterday
That reminder that you have done this before
I blink
That involuntary pause between moments the body does as a check of my systems
I pick up from this stop in time to continue with the momentum of today
This reality I make is insanity to others
Some cheer
Others shake their heads.
But I know that there is always more to do
Tomorrow hasn’t come but I will be there to cross off those goals
Today
I just need to cross that finish line.

Beej
12-3-2016


I have this sense of sadness as the semester comes to an end. Yes this is crazy, but for someone who is returning to college with a lot of information in their head. It is nice to know what was correct and what was false. To be taught something you care about or something you do not know is an amazing feeling, at least for me. So around this time of the year i get sad knowing that this time is coming to an end. This sense of anxiousness as I see inch closer and closer to my goal is what makes me happy, and somehow sad. I am really really loving this journey. The only thing i can compare this to is the end of the Final Fantasy games I have played over my life. This journey with these characters is coming to an end and I will miss this experience. But this time the journey is mine, i write the ending to this adventure across this life. So the sadness of the semester coming to an end is reasonable but I know right now I will love what happens next. 

When give a chance to speak your mind we have to grab those moments and not ramble. Sitting on the sidelines is boring to me. I spent time being in the spotlight and that feeling was thrilling. There is a lot that drives me, and one of those pieces is wanting to be in that spot. I am now applying the knowledge i have learn while not being in school and it is awesome to see the faces of those are left in awe. I love seeing that wonderment of knowing there is something left out there unexplored.

Cynicism is a good thing, in moderation... When the blinders of our personal opinion are thrown to the side and we look at the world as a whole we can see both the beauty and the pain. You cannot ignore the problems but we have to accept that the solution WORK! It causes my blood pressure to rise knowing that people don't talk about the solution. Math is a either a love or hate thing, but math does teach you one thing (besides numbers suck!) that you can find a solution to a problem. Even if the problem is there is no answer. Acknowledgment of the problem is discussed, not the solution to the problem. Yes there are many MANY steps to get to the solution, as presented in math class, but after all of those steps we see the fruits of our labor we should feel good. Can we promote feeling good, and not the negative. Feeling Fear is something we should not feel when we turn on the news.

Beej
9-20-2016

I still feel like a monster trapped within my skin. This feeling has never gone away. I sit on a pillar of calm burning with the need to release a mob of mist that is just a cover against the anguish of the unknown. There are only a few layers that keep the others away, the others are just what i make up to keep myself safe. Where the peace was, has just moved. Still awake in this ticking second between my breathe i see a chance for the genuine to arise. Language, expression, understanding. When will i give a chance to be understood by speaking. Love

9/10/2016
Beej

As i clean out the glass, i stare at the vessel at which i use to inebriate myself while enjoying the company of others. That was the real challenge this time. To only enjoy the drink while around one i was drinking with. Yes i could of gone out to enjoy the company of strangers, as i learn about their life and their travels. But the company of good friends means the conversation just continues. So i guess it is not others, it is actually those who i call friend. I have to state that this drink was REALLY good. (to my standards) so it took some restraint to not drink immediately after purchase. All to just enjoy with the company of a good friend. The reason for this delay, is culture. Adults return to a carefree attitude when inebriated. and while with friends they return to the smiles and laughter that makes things feel like before the need to "grow up" happened. need being placed on by society around them. So this glass is dry and placed back on the shelf with the others. Different designs and different shapes. But all those represent times of joy, and memories of a blurred smile.
which makes me want to have another drink.

I try to view myself as just a man. I express my thoughts through any form i can. While i struggle from time to time to get my words right, i will never regret speaking. All the times i have remained silent have had the biggest impact on my life. When i speak people listen, and my silence hurts me more than it hurts everyone else. So when i hear from a stranger that i have only been talking to for 15 minutes that i am an angel. That says something about my voice and the impact i have. I have heard this from close friends and family for years. But to know that the conviction in my voice is loud and detailed enough for those who are willing to listen to me, to call me an angel. It means i have to push myself to no longer hide in the shell that i have in myself. smile and laugh for all the good times are there if you want just go. there is a struggle in life, but if you only want to stick in the mud and never fly on the wind. You can never see the beauty of the sky. And the twinkle of the stars. 

I am back again in the place i call home. It feels like a tether that keeps me grounded to how far i can go and how far i have come. I see those who say they want to escape, and then i travel to see those who have. The difference is those who have left. That is it, only the drive to see one's self better. It is seen as selfish, well let me be with them then. I only know that i can see a piece of happiness waiting for me with every trip. I can see the life i would live if i moved my anchor. But that is not how i will live my life. i may go with flow, but i will rest my head in a place i call home, not where i can. It is hard to understand the world, when you have traveled it. Because your view is now the most beautiful parts of a self-made prism. It is not the singular view of a street that has seen time take its toll. I am still piecing my prism together, time will let me know when to stop and enjoy the view. 
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