Ok, I haven't kept g+ up on my life. It's not my idea of what g+ is for, but some of you out there really appreciate knowing I think. I got hospitalized rather suddenly wednesday when my oncologist got a look at my files. He rushed me in for a cat scan followed by surgery to install a colostomy bag. what that is, is a bypass for your guts when they're blocked too much to work. So it's like having a little outhouse on your waist and you have to clean it out by yourself. No more pooping. The time in hospital was a terrible endurance. The place was filthy by my standards. The people overworked and sometimes irritable. The food utterly inedible. Even for a normal person used to chewing on second rate commercial food it would have been a trial. For me it was horrid. I had some brought in but without a fridge or kitchen it wasn't much I could keep to hand. I worked hard to feed myself. I hurt, yes, and enough that sometimes it was about all I knew, but really no worse than any other illness pain. I hated the pain killers so tried to avoid them. They kept me from sleeping more than three hours at a time with their disturbances. At night it was blood pressure readings, in the day deliberately keeping me tired so I'd not be up at night. They sent me home early and that's good because I got even thinner in there. I'm thinner than I've been ever in my life. I like the thinness for feeling comfortable, but recognize it makes me weak and at risk. So I'm home and working up to proper meals. My stomach and whole system was already shut down before I got in and the surgery made it worse, so eating is a slow frequent small sized process. From my reading, the chemo and radiation won't make me as sick as I've already been from the long time being unable to eat properly so even with that, and surgery ahead of me, I should get better over time. I've found help via facebook with household needs and other things and my husband is being an amazing human now, helping me. I know now, too, that "be strong" really means "quit being so damn nice and force people to be nice to you." I discovered that being undemanding in hospital equalled extra neglect, so I guess, the nicer you are, the less you get? It breaks my heart but it makes some sense if you consider life a series of assessments of where you're needed most. The demanding people seem to need more. They don't, but they make it seem so. I won't become one, but I won't take no for an answer so readily again. Never again. I will say "hey, I'll not be minimized and dismissed again, that's how I got cancer and it nearly killed me, so get on it and take me seriously!" I guess that's what "be strong" really means, huh? Because when you're sick, just deciding you can stand it and won't die is nonsense. You are not in control of those things.