The only really proven method to avoid gaining unwanted weight during the holidays sounds a bit counter-intuitive the first time you hear it, but it's actually pretty simple. The idea is that for the week leading up to a big Thanksgiving dinner, you should double your food intake. You should do this as literally as possible, like if you were going to eat one cheeseburger, eat two. One salad? Eat two. It's best to be really obsessive/picky about it, keep a log book or something to help really fixate on it. Keep notes on every time you take notes in the first log book in a second log book to make sure you're taking enough notes. Make graphs of how many notes per meal you are taking and try to beat it the next day. When Thanksgiving comes, you should start huffing spray paint as soon as you wake up. If you maybe leave a paper bag and a full spray can by the dresser it's more convenient. By about noon you should be kind of a mess, physically and mentally, and not making a lot of sense. When the first dinner guest/family member arrives, corner them and start explaining all your log books to them and show them the graphs you've made. If it seems like they can't understand you very well it's just because you're slurring so badly from the paint fumes. Don't give up! By the time the turkey is coming out of the oven, you should be pretty severely anoxic and ideally visibly blue tinged. Find a bathroom scale, weigh yourself, and calculate how many pounds you have gained since you started eating two of everything. Add 2 to this number, go to the kitchen, and carefully slice exactly that amount of fat and skin off around your midsection, carefully weighing each slice on a food scale to make sure you don't overshoot the mark. Now just carefully avoid starches (no mashed potatoes!) at dinner and you're set! You can even indulge in pie afterward!

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