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Amara Van-Lare
Author, Christian relationship counselor, newspaper columnist, inspirational speaker, and certified international protocol and etiquette con
Author, Christian relationship counselor, newspaper columnist, inspirational speaker, and certified international protocol and etiquette con

Amara's posts

Know when you are abused in a relationship

1. He calls every thirty minutes to check on you and ask questions like 'where are you?' 'Who are you with?' Don't be deceived into thinking it's love; that's a possessive man.

2. He asks for your social media password without giving you his

3. He wants your phone and computers without password while his stay with passwords. Get yourself to become independent of such a man. But always remember that password or no password, a smart cheat will always find a way.

4. He does everything possible to keep your friends and relatives away from you. He can even come up with lies against them just to destroy your relationship with them. Yes, he wants to have you to himself and that's when he deals with you.

5. He admires women with makeup and hair extensions but won't let you wear them.

6. He feels threatened anytime you are well dressed and going out alone.

7. He wants you not to communicate with the opposite sex even your colleagues at work.

8. He wants you to ignore customers for his call.

9. If he makes you feel that you can't survive without him, step out and show him that he needs you more than you need him. Don't be afraid, you can survive without him and there are men out there who will gladly have you.

Ladies, never allow desperation to push you into regrets. You are an adult and that man does not own you. Your relationship with him should make you fulfilled and not depressed. Never lose your individuality for anyone.

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This is heartbreaking 

How many times have you failed in that business or career? How many failed relationship/marriage have you had? How many times have you failed in your ministry?
My dearest, it's not in the number of times you have failed; it's about how many times you have risen. The world has no right to keep you down. Only you can stop you. Get up and try again. The next try could be it and even if it's not, try, try, and try again. Winners don't quit. Embrace a winning attitude today.

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We all feel bad at the ignorance of Abubakar Shekau and his Boko Haram group. We can't understand why they believe the teachings of their clergymen who tell them that their god (not my God) has seven virgins for them in his kingdom for killing those they tag 'infidels', the unbelievers. They have, according to their fellow Muslims, misinterpreted the Quran.

Now, that's the power of religion. These guys are not alone in this mess; many of us, Christians, are miserable in the name of religion. Many have misinterpreted the Holy Bible. We are not different from the Almajiris who don't read their Quran with understanding. We have suddenly lost interest in the genuine word of God. The words of our 'daddies' and 'mummies' are now more important than the word of God. It's now about what GO said is true instead of what the word says. It's no longer about being in the good books of heaven; it's more about being in Daddy's good books.

I shudder at the way so many Christians have become zombies and 'mumus' all in the name of religion. Your so called prophet and miracle worker told you to be in church on a Wednesday morning when you should be out their looking for money and you leave your job to go and worship. Now, on getting to the office, you have been sacked. You gather money that doesn't belong to you, money from sales and there you go to the pastor who asked you to sow a seed of faith. You are out of job, your children are now out of school; where is your Mr. Prophet?

When you stop relating with a member who left your ministry to another just because your pastor (Daddy) indirectly said so; when you cannot eat together with another Christian because you are holy while she is not holy because of makeup and earrings; are you not blinded by religion?

When they give you handkerchief that you must use whenever you pray with the instruction that you call the God of "my daddy" seven times representing the number of times they went round before the wall of Jericho collapsed. You do this and much more for miracle to happen even when you don't know if that his god is a little god buried somewhere in the pulpit. I recently heard about one of these rogues selling the blood of Jesus in bottles to his gullible followers. They frame pictures and sell to you for thousands of Naira and you foolishly buy them; are they now your Jesus? You wear rags and nylon on the body appearing as someone with a mental case (looks like you are), dirty and stinking believing you are just few inches away from heaven; you are just a miserable human. How many times has your leader and his wife worn that rag you wear? Are you aware that it's good money for any of their relatives who got the contract?

Your family is in chaos as a result of one prayer contractor somewhere; you can no longer talk to your step-mother or in-laws all because they told you that they are behind your endless woes. Your problem is poverty of the mind. When you can no longer use doll baby, beautiful lingerie, and shiny shoes all because your prophet or prophetess told you that they are all from the marine world and you go the extent of setting your beautiful plates and cutleries on fire because of what one confused mind is telling you; I pity you.

Your husband wants you to wear lovely skirts but you choose to wear 'mama Mary' and 'Mary amaka" skirts; there is nothing attractive in you all because of religion. The poor man cannot even turn to cuddle you in bed because the hair you tie 24/7 won't let him breathe well. Tomorrow you run for prayer, looking for who to kill by fire. Your problem is you.

You were asked to leave the church building to start eating grass like the goat you are and you obey all in the name of faith even when his wife and children are not eating the grass with you; when you are about to die in the labour room and the doctor, to save your life and that of your baby, decides to cut you open but your daddy or mummy calls to tell you that you must not do that and you foolishly obey; when you have no blood and at the point of death and religion tells you never to accept blood; there is fire on the mountain.

It's more annoying to see that even graduates can no longer think with their God-given brain and discuss intellectually without shouting "judge not". I shake my big, fat head in disappointment whenever I bring up an issue which should be intellectually analyzed only for people to tell you that it is a no go area. Protestants always talk about Martin Luther who fought the clergy to make the Bible accessible to the laity. But if you look at where we are now, you will discover that we have, unconsciously, being driven back to that time.

Your pastor comes on the altar, after a revelation of his serial womanizing with church members, to tell you that the devil is fighting the church and the kingdom of God is marching on and all you can do is to shout a thunderous "Amen" and "touch not my anointed"... What is the difference between you and these brainwashed animals? You won't even set up a committee to investigate, properly, the report. Anyway, what's the point investigating when it's a one man and family business?

You can no longer think. You are a graduate and every morning you report at daddy's house to become his PA and driver with no pay. You do all these but stay hungry at the end of the month. What are you going to tell your unborn children? Many parents have sold out their daughters to mummy. She is now the "executive handbag carrier". You know it's funny to see people fighting over who mummy has to travel with for preaching. All you get is the recognition as mummy's PA. Do you think you are living? You are just existing. African pastors are really having a field day because of the impoverished minds around them. To a good number of Africans, once you worship "daddy", you are on your way to heaven.

Do you think there is any difference between you and Boko Haram? The only difference is that they kill physically while you, as a result of hatred for people in other ministries, kill on daily basis. You don't just kill others; you kill yourself too. You are not different because you have allowed religion to blind your eyes.

Who has bewitched you?

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To get a copy of my new book, A Raging River (Paperback and Kindle available)

UK: Mrs. Caroline Martins-Ojo on 0203-234-3088/079-6179-1816

Southwest: Rev. Felix Nwachukwu 08023211075/08058493020

South-South: Victor Akata on 0802 609 7109

Southeast: Modesty on 08066548487.

North: Nora on 08185245313/08038916033

USA/Canada: Available on Amazon via this link

When you are constantly battered in your so called home and all your pastor and church leaders tell you is to stay back and pray. Have you tried to find out why the first thing they do is to take their away to their own home if she's involved in domestic violence?

When you have to write an exam the next day and the pastor makes you feel so guilty about your absence at the vigil. Have you asked yourself why he tells his own children to stay at home and study for their exam?

The pastor makes you feel you are on your way to hell because you didn't leave work before time to attend midweek service. Who told you God will send you to hell for not leaving your job to attend midweek service? Maybe for Sunday service (if at all that is true), but not midweek service. And the annoying part of it is that only a few of them truly care about your soul; a good number care about the auditorium being filled.

Spirituality doesn't mean stupidity. Don't blame God when you die in that home, fail that very important exam, or lose that job that feeds your children.
Get this into your head: If you are being battered in that your mansion, you have no home, you are in a jail room awaiting execution
Amara Blessing Van-Lare

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Why are we always quick to conclude that a woman is cheating on her man once she loses interest in sex with him or she is never interested in sex?

The best any husband should be is to use every means available to know why. Don't go about it with the mindset that she is cheating on you because in most cases, she is not. There is what we call Post-Partum Depression and frigidity can arise after childbirth as a result of horrifying experiences during labour and delivery. But if she shows no sign of interest in sex before pregnancy and childbirth, it's possible she has some stories yet untold ranging from rape to abuse and negative orientation about sex.

Are you as neat as she wants you to be before jumping into bed? How clean is your mouth while you demand for a kiss?

Do you just bang and have sex with her instead of making love to her and displaying intimacy? Some women are now afraid to tell their husband how they want sex because the man instantly tells her how much of a prostitute she is and accuses her of sleeping with other men.

How have you helped to reduce her level of stress? Men want sex to relax while women want sex when they are happy and relaxed.

Have you done and said things that hurt her and got her back into her shell? How and when did you lose her love and trust?
Like I always say, you create at dawn the atmosphere you want at dusk.

Talk, try and talk WITH and not TO your woman.

This is to you girlfriend: Please help yourself by doing everything you can to keep that look of disappointment off your face. I know your age mates are all married. I know your colleagues get married every Saturday. I know we need men as much as they need us. I know your mother wakes you up every morning with, " my daughter, is there no one yet?" I know you are bothered about menopause and childbearing.

But I want you to be happy at all times. Some unmarried ladies are not attractive,not because they are not beautiful; they are not attractive because when people look at them all they see is pain and disappointment. What has happened to that positive vibe you were known for? What has happened to the face that brought hope to others? Why have you allowed yourself to age prematurely just because there is no man yet? Your look and the glory that has left your face could be all you need to get a man hooked.

A good number of single women live in perpetual bitterness and depression. Many of them sleep and wake up in hatred for their fellow lady simply because they cant understand why it should be her and why God should be loving and blessing her. I really do understand your frustration. But there's no reason good enough to justify this wrong. If you love good, you will have good in your life. We all have our times and seasons in life, never pray for yours to come before God's time because that would mean pain.

Do you stop wanting to be married? Do you stop waiting for your husband? Well, of course not. Desiring to be married is never the problem. How you allow the lack of a husband to hold you back from the other blessings that God has for you is the problem. Too busy sulking and longing and not enough time considering that God was elevating your life in so many other ways. Why invest so much of your time and emotion into something that is not yet? I know how badly you want to be happy with your life, but you are missing the forest for the trees.

Stop deceiving yourself by believing you must sleep with every Tom, Dick, and Harry to get them to marry you. Stop throwing yourself at men just at the sound of "I will marry you"; a good number of them only want to go in between your legs. They won't marry you; they can only use and dump you. Because men have seen high level of desperation among the sisters, they now feel they can enjoy themselves as they like just by using the word, 'I want to marry you'.

Some of them are genuine and they mean whatever they say to you, but he also understands that it's not just about good sex and beautiful figure; he knows that marriage is serious business and must be entered with eyes wide open. He wants to see a woman with great vision who will give him the necessary push he needs to become great. He needs a woman who can discuss business and issues with him, not just sex, movies, holidays, and shopping. He wants a woman who fears God because she will be his backbone and pillar. Even in their madness, men still love having a very godly woman for marriage. He wants a woman who will be a mother and raise godly seeds. He wants a woman who will be busy building lives and working with her hands, not busy destroying with her mouth. He wants a woman, not a girl.

Stop running away with all kinds of excuses when your friends invite you to their wedding. When you are invited, please dress well and enter the hall with so much laughter and smile. Don't go about castigating your married friends and causing problems in their homes by devouring with your mouth because there is karma and it's real. Some women confide so much in their single friends without knowing that they are behind whatever problems they are into. Don't get it twisted; I am, in no way, saying that you shouldn't keep single friends as a married woman; I have very reliable single - never-married, divorced, and widowed women who are better than many married in terms of sound advice and confidentiality. But you must be wise.

Stop the excess makeup and dress to look younger. Makeup is meant to enhance your natural beauty and not turn you to a masquerade. When I say "dress to look younger", I am not talking about nudity. Know what hairstyle and colour makes you look younger. Know the dress style that accentuates your best features. Don't go for anything because it's in vogue or because it looks good on your friend. Dress for men to know that you are single and available. Stop dressing to make yourself a "thick madam" before your time; dress for a younger and more vibrant you.

If you can get that smile back and wear it again, you will see years taken off. Work on your character, carry yourself well remembering that the pride of womanhood must be protected. No matter what you do, never allow anyone make you less of a human because you are not married, but be sure it's not because of you. Your character, fashion sense, job, location, and friends could be the problem you have; make changes where necessary. Stop hating on married friends. start dressing, walking, sitting, standing, and talking like a mother and wife material whose husband will count himself blessed.

Deal with those things that scare men away. Be happy again, deal with jealousy, bitterness, and hatred. Worship God in sincerity and not just jumping into the choir or becoming an usher or prayer warrior because you want to be noticed. I see some single women act very uncoordinated in their church group; they insult even heads of departments and treat young men like they are nothing. You do all these because it's just a church group without realizing that someone from that group may end up becoming your in-law tomorrow. As an usher in church or a community group, how do you talk to people? So many single sisters in church who are in the ushering department need to be taught to put on a smile and talk to people, especially fellow women, well even if they are older.

Is Amara trying to say it's all as a result of our works? Certainly no; she's only telling you to do your best and leave the rest to God. I acknowledge the fact that so many bad girls are married today and the good girls are waiting. I agree; she was a bad girl, but what if her smile and jovial nature helped? You are a good girl, no doubt, but what about your attitude towards people?

Do the right thing and hold on to God, the right man will come.
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